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Once Upon An Us

Writer :: blossom_ivy

Reviewer :: gukkeun

Title :: Once Upon An Us

Cover :: 2/10

Let's be real here, it's just bland as a whole. The cover itself just looks really unappealing, there's really no point in trying to fix it. The best way out is by changing it entirely. In case you're wondering why I'll list the problems down.

1. The font doesn't suit, and it covers Jimin's face in a very unpleasant manner.
2. The cover doesn't represent sadness, it looks dull and boring.
3. It has no attractive points, nothing that would pull in readers.
4. It doesn't represent your story in any way shape or form.

Take my points into consideration and make an entirely new cover, anything is honestly better than what you have currently.

Title :: 3/5

The first thing I noticed when I first came across your book was its fantasy/fairy tale vibe title. It relates to the context of "destiny" the story is trying to bring. The title matches well with the story, though it doesn't bring any sad vibes, considering the story has a noticeable sad ending from the very beginning. I wouldn't say it's intriguing, stories titled with "Once Upon..." isn't unique, so if you do think of renaming your book, focus on tragedy, unfairness, destiny, or even lilies as we all came to know was Everly's favorite flower.

Synopsis :: 6/10

Short, but interesting enough, it has one point that triggers the curiosity in people to click that read button. "They find out they aren't destined to be together." A simple sentence, nothing too big or indulging. But truthfully, the sad reality of love is what seduces people into reading your content. I'd like you to expand your synopsis, focus on the "fate isn't fair" aura your book carries. Once you do, make sure you don't compile it all into one paragraph, it does make the most descriptive of blurbs look extremely unappealing. Do remove the star symbols as well, it messes with the aura your book holds.

Plot :: 18/30

From the very beginning, Jimin seems to notice this mysterious and peculiar 'hoodie girl' as he calls her. So from there, we could pinpoint that his love for Everly is built from curiosity. The story flow was smooth, and there's nothing I could complain about regarding it. Though there are a few minor changes I would like you to take into consideration. When you're explaining a scene where Jimin's gazing into Everly's eyes and such, do include how he loves her personality. Yes, she's a beautiful girl, and he couldn't stop staring into her ocean blue eyes. Sometimes, it feels as if he's falling for her because of her looks and not genuinely because of her personality, so do add more to that. One way is by adding more stories to their date before Jimin ever finds out about Everly's sickness. Make the readers fall for their love life, and then hit them with the sad reality. Everly's sickness will bring a bigger impact to the readers only if you let them be touched by their efforts and slow build relationship.

Character :: 5/10

Character scheming needs some work. In short, Jimin has a character whilst Everly is really bland. If someone were to ask me, what kind of characteristics or personality Everly owns, I honestly would've been struck dead. A background story reveal on Everly does nothing other than expanding the plot, I can't sense her aura through her childhood, that's not how it works. There was no background story on jimin, yet I feel a lot more emotions coming from him. Keep in mind, character build is extremely important. On a side note, the side characters aren't meaningful or carried the story in any shape or form. They do seem useless other than providing minor entertainment.

Grammar :: 10/20

There are plenty of errors, unfortunately. First, the switching between tenses. It's a common mistake for the first few chapters, to spot the use of present and past tenses in one single sentence. Then there were the errors regarding verbal tags.

Ex :: "I miss you." He said...

Edited :: "I miss you," he said...

Dialogues that end with verbal tags require commas before ending the quotation. Moving along, there were missing words now and again.

Ex :: He smiled gazing the tomb lovingly and continued to caresse it.

Edited :: He smiled, gazing at the tomb lovingly as he continued to caress it.

Misspellings of words (tounge, nick name, quitely, wisphered), one of the mistakes that I found till the very end of the book. And the placing of full stops instead of commas, then the misuse of in and on, learn to differentiate them. They weren't very pleasing to look at, considering it's your first book your language should grow a lot by now, especially after noting the increase in vocabulary words used in the later chapters.

Writing Style :: 6/10

Look through your first few chapters and reread them, some of the sentences will seem too wordy. (He chuckled, his shoulder moving up and down at the action) The description of his 'moving' shoulders isn't needed, it makes it a mouthful to read. I'm rather impressed with how your writing improves gradually with time, it's very noticeable. You knew just the perfect amount of description to the place, and the way you twist your words and the enhancement of vocabulary is mind blowing. Of course, there are multiple things I should point out, your sentence build needs some work, the certain explanation didn't make sense, and by that, I meant the choice of words. ("as much calm and composed" is a good example) And you seem to love using "to" in your sentences. Don't. They only make the sentences sound wordy. ("made him to cry" could easily sound better by removing the 'to')

Overall ::
"Once Upon An Us" is the kind of story that gets better the deeper you go into the plot. It does require editing, which should be no problem since your skills must've improved tons by now (again I'm rather impressed with how much you improved). Change the cover, if you're interested come and visit Aureolus, KPOP House's official graphics shop, we do own some of the best designers so don't hesitate to come to us in case of anything. Now the plot isn't anything fancy, though it is quite satisfying, especially for readers who enjoy some sad bits from time to time. I must mention for the god knows how many times, I love how much you improved from when you started writing the story, you're a fast learner. You have room for more growth and I'm curious about what masterpieces you could create in the future.

Total :: 50/100

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