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Disobey

Author :: CuteChanxx

Reviewer :: gukkeun

Title :: Disobey

Cover :: 2/10

It's a huge turn off. It doesn't give any shine to your story and I, for one, wasn't impressed in the very slightest. Let's start with the fonts. It's incredibly bold for the theme you're trying out. And honestly, the font placing and title arrangement just isn't right. The background, not suitable in any way shape, or form. And the cover ultimately doesn't suit the description you laid out. As far as I read, Hyunjin wasn't represented very well. Isn't he described as more of a playful type? Hyunjin's aura in this cover is the total opposite. I didn't expect him to turn out so different in the story. Find a shop that would do your story some justice, something that would instantly blow the minds of the readers as soon as they stepped upon your book. Your story deserves some shine out there, and let it be represented in the best way possible.

Title :: 2/5

By this disobey, are you relating the title to Hyunjae’s life? How her family was against everything she wanted? In that case, you might as well think of a new title. The story’s first impression was about the struggles a teen has to face against the harsh opinions of one’s family and the society. However, the more the story develops it seems to focus more on the relationship between the female lead and Hyunjin, more on this will be thoroughly mentioned in the plot section. So a tip from me, focus on the bond between Hyunjin and Hyunjae and pick out a title that relates to their nightly meetings. Or the connection they feel towards one another.

Synopsis :: 7.5/10

It contains everything you need. It’s very informative of the story, though I highly suggest to keep some of the information hidden. Yes, you never mentioned any plot twists you may have in the future but readers crave mystery. You could keep the mafia a secret until they read up to that point. Believe me when I said it’s better, because when I started reading your story I completely forgot the mafia elements you mentioned in the desc, so I didn’t expect Hyunjin to turn out as one and it was very enjoyable when I did. It felt like a mystery was solved. You could give out tiny hints instead, and could potentially be just enough to pull in more reads.

Plot :: 20/30

It has potential. I'll mention this from the very start your story does have potential. The way you dived into their first meeting in the very first chapter? It was smooth, real smooth. It was never too fast paced, everything connected just perfectly. Of course, there was the mystery of the black masked men which made things more interesting. Though there are a few places that I would like to touch. In the beginning, I enjoyed how everything was sensible, the female lead didn't have constant flashbacks or what people call 'love at first sight'. You earned my utmost respect until it all came crashing down a few chapters later.

All sense of realism was quickly thrown away from your perfectly good story the moment Hyunjae jumped out of that window. I understand that he told her to trust him, and she had a gut telling her everything was okay. But realistically if that ever happened to someone, would they have done it? Think about it, if Hyunjin wasn't a good guy and this had happened in real life, wouldn't it seem stupid and plausible? Hyunjae might as well kiss her parent's goodbye. Instead of immediately jumping down to greet him, take it slow and explain how Hyunjin visits Hyungjae every single night, and she eventually started to trust him which I supposed still isn't sensible, but better than risking herself getting kidnapped from the very beginning.

I'd like you to focus on the building, the development of Hyunjae itself. I didn't read the entire thing but from where I stopped so far, the whole plot from the first two chapters about her own dreams completely vanished. The main reason I respected her was thrown out of the window and replaced
with a rushed love story between her and Hyunjin? Instead of making her entirely dependent on Hyunjin, make Hyunjin the reason she's still pushing to grow her dream, her inspiration, her strength. Use this to rebuild the story and the said characters. Your story already had an amazing start, don't let it flop because of their love story,

Character :: 4/10

I'm sorry but Hyunjin does in fact register as a creep to me. No matter how adorable he acts or how he never tries to make Hyungjae uncomfortable, that doesn't make the fact that his digging of information and albeit leading him to the girl's house any better. He'd go through all that trouble of avoiding security just for the sake of apologizing? Why would Hyunjae's opinion of him matter? That very quickly leads us to the fact that 'love at first sight' did in fact happen which isn't a huge problem, but would someone else do what Hyunjin did for the sake of a stranger he fell for? At this point, it just seems psychopathy, to which I may have to suggest you to change the storyline slightly.

Hyunjae was one of the characters I had mad respect for. Being forced to follow what her family wants? Perfect. Choosing to fight for what she wants? Beautiful indeed. I see the growth Hyunjae was bound to go through, what with her father's opinion clashing with hers. I was looking forward to seeing more of how the story would unravel. But as I said, the third chapter just made the perfect story go down in the gutter. Giving her phone number to someone she barely met? Jumping down from her room and trusting a stranger? If Hyunjin was a scary old man, would she have done it? She trusted him solely because of his voice and his words.

Grammar :: 18/20

When it comes to grammar, most of the books would go for casual and ignore all the rules. You seem to know the basic rules when it comes to grammar. I wouldn’t exactly say it’s 100% perfect, however. I spotted a few errors when it comes to tenses, remember to make sure all your tenses are in the past as your story is clearly not set in the future. There were several words that should’ve been replaced by another, and punctuation errors as well.

Ex: [“Not really. I just started getting tired and dizzy. I didn’t feel like staying for longer,” I lied through my teeth.]

Edited: [“Not really, I just started getting tired and dizzy. I didn’t feel like staying any longer,” I lied through my teeth.]

Notice that I used a comma instead of a full stop? And replacing ‘for’ with ‘any’ instead. They don’t affect the story flow and pace in any way, but I do suggest you look over some of the words' meanings before using them. Found a few other minor mistakes like capitalism and the words sticking to each other. Just look over the sentences and restructure them with better words and the few misuses of punctuation and you’re good to go.

Writing Style :: 8/10

Absolutely adore it. You are so descriptive with every single scene, I could just recreate the entire scenario in my head and enjoy it like I was the one going through it. Your sentences are never too wordy or a mouthful. Your writing is detailed but never went overboard with information. Study how to build sentences using complex words, in a way that would roll off the tip of your tongue with much ease. I couldn’t find a big amount of huge and expensive words and I bet it’d be better if you’d expand your vocabulary to a higher level. Read more books with high vocab and you’ll have a chance to really grow as an aspiring writer.

Overall ::

Focus on rebuilding your story. On the most part, I truly enjoyed it and I wouldn’t mind continuing as a loyal reader. But as a reviewer, I do have to point out all these errors you may have overlooked. You have the potential to grow, your writing just made the plot that could’ve turned out cliché into something enjoyable. I have the utmost respect for writers like you, very well done. Light editing is needed and of course, a brand new cover that would do your story the justice it deserves.

Review Scores: 61.5/100

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