Tolerance Book I (Chicago PD/Med FF) by Frances51163

Chapter One Hundred and Ninety-Two: Blame

Although aware of his friends' concern as he headed back to the pair Jay ignored it and instead addressed the reason he had wanted to revisit the scene.

"This wasn't meant to kill."
"How can you say that?" Kevin questioned as he put away his cell phone.
"He attacked the Gilberts to provoke a reaction from me," Jay stated confidently as Burke joined them, "if I was dead there would be no point in
going after them."
"That was Voight on the phone," Kevin explained, "you were right about Wells watching us. He was in the house across the street. He pulled out just after we left."
"So it's likely the bomb was triggered by remote control," Jay offered support for his theory, "he blew it before we went in."
"Makes sense," Adam admitted before following up with a question, "that doesn't explain why you wanted to come back here though. What did you hope to find?"
"Not sure," Jay confessed sheepishly, "thought maybe something would tell me why my instincts kicked in."
"At the end of the day it doesn't really matter," Kevin observed gratefully, "you saved us."
"No I didn't," Jay insisted in frustration, "Wells wasn't going to kill us."
"Not so sure about that," Burke drew all eyes to him as he entered the conversation.
"What do you mean?" Jay asked in surprise.
"Couldn't place it but there's a chemical smell over by the front door, or should I say where the door was."
"The Fire Chief mentioned it," Jay explained wearily, he'd overlooked that piece of information in his tired state.
"I didn't smell anything when I was at the door," Adam argued in disbelief.
"The chemical would have been washed out under the hoses. Presumably it was a component of the IED."
"But it doesn't make sense," Jay rubbed his forehead, willing his brain cells to deliver up something useful, "there was no reason to target the Gilberts if I wasn't around to see it."
"Maybe we're overlooking something," Burke suggested.
"State the obvious why don't you?!" Adam rolled his eyes but it was clear his anger was at the situation not the speaker.
"Maybe Wells didn't set the bomb," Jay posed the possibility after some rumination in the ensuing silence, "maybe his partner went out on his own."
"But Wells was seen leaving the scene," Kevin argued.
"Maybe he was just watching me like he was at the Morgue. Maybe the IED surprised him as well."
"It is the first time chemicals have been used," Burke pointed out, agreeing with the pale mans' theory.
"Which would go with the partner doing it," Kevin nodded, it made sense.
"So does this mean they're working separately now?" Adam dreaded that reality and knew the others would too.
"Might be just a one off," Burke suggested hopefully.
"Last thing we need is to be chasing two Bombers around New York," Kevin stated succinctly, that was definitely the worst case scenario.

"Maybe we should head back," Adam looked at Jay, not liking the way he looked but knowing better than to say anything there and then.
"Yeah might ....," Kevin began to agree when his cell rang, "back in a minute."
"There's nothing more we can do here," Burke looked at the two Detectives before him, "might as well head back."
"Who was it?" Jay asked quietly, ignoring the Bomb Technician, as Kevin returned looking grim.
"Voight wants us at Headquarters now."
"Kev just tell us," Jay didn't move, "Gilbert didn't make it did he?"
"No Jay," Kevin exchanged a look with Adam, sometimes their friends' uncanny instincts were frightening, "they took him off life support over an hour ago.  He passed ten minutes ago."
"Let's go," Jay turned on his heels and headed for the SUV blinking rapidly to banish the tears which threatened to fall.

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If Voight thought his subordinate looked shaken when he had left earlier his appearance on his return caused even more concern. Obviously he had been told the news.  The skin around his eyes was bruised betraying the physical pain the young man was in but right now the Sergeant was more concerned with his emotional state.  He had noted the look of apology from Kevin as the four men entered Murphys' cluttered office and nodded imperceptibly to let him know it was okay. While he had wanted to break the distressing news himself he could guess what had happened.

"Halstead I want to talk to you in private."
"Sarge?" Jay stopped in his tracks as his Superior indicated the door he had just closed.
"Come on let's get some coffee."
"But ...,"
"Wasn't a request," the older man noted succinctly as he motioned for the young man to follow him out into the corridor.
"Best not get on his bad side," Adam instructed in a stage whisper when his friend stayed where he was.
"Damn," Jay muttered in defeat after sending a mock glare to his friend, he knew he was only trying to ease the tension.
"If you're not back in ten I'll come looking for you."
"Very funny," Jay shook his head in resignation and allowed the older man to lead the way to the empty Break Room.
"So you want to take my head off?" Voight asked once he closed the door for privacy.
"What?"
"You heard me," Voight shrugged as he leant against the counter.
"I don't know what you mean."
"Look Kid it's only you and me here," Voight motioned for his companion to sit down which he did after a brief hesitation, "I know you're blaming yourself for the Gilberts but if you're to blame so am I."
"It wasn't your fault."
"I didn't arrange protection when you told me your concerns."
"You went to Murphy.  He turned you down," Jay reminded.
"So Murphy is to blame?"
"What? No, of course not!  He doesn't have enough manpower to assign people for protection without a credible threat."
"True," Voight nodded as he folded his arms and eyed the other man seriously, "so Murphy isn't to blame and I'm not to blame but you are?"
"Sarge ...," Jay looked at his hands rather than his companion, "I should have been more careful.  Going to the house was careless."
"Did you stop to think that Wells found out about the Gilberts from the media? What we know of him he would have no difficulty ascertaining their address."
"Didn't think of that," Jay shrugged with a sigh.
"Halstead you don't have any blame on your shoulders for what happened to that family but I know you're still going to carry some.  That's what makes you a good Detective Kid, you care.  All I ask is that you realize you don't have a monopoly on self imposed blame.  I guarantee you Murphy and myself are also shouldering some.  True it's unfounded but unfortunately 'what ifs' are impossible to avoid in our line of work.  All we can do is our best."

All Jay did was nod silently.  The words were spoken in honesty.  This wasn't the first time his actions had engendered unnecessary guilt and if he was being truthful with himself he knew it probably wouldn't be the last time. An image of the young boys' beaming face as he held Buddy close to his chest came to mind unbidden.  The joy Marcus had felt had been short lived but Jay resolved then and there he was going to step up his efforts to stop Wells and his accomplice. As he rose to follow the older man back to Murphys' office he pondered his options.  He wasn't psychic but he foresaw conflict ahead with Voight and his friends.  He wasn't going to let their well intentioned concern for him divert him from his course.  All he had to do was work out what that course was!

tbc