Tolerance Book I (Chicago PD/Med FF) by Frances51163

Chapter One Hundred and Twenty-Nine: Voight Shares A Memory

Left alone Jay sat back trying to take in everything his brother had said to his colleagues and friends.  It hurt badly but not for the reason some might assume.  It hurt because instead of bringing his worries directly to him Will had instead informed those the Detective held closest to him of his lack of trust in his sibling.  That was what it boiled down to he figured, a lack of trust.  He had never in his life given the older man a reason not to trust him yet it seemed that he didn't. Or maybe Will just didn't know him.  He wondered which was worse but couldn't decide, a brother who didn't trust him as opposed to a brother who didn't really know him.  Holding his good hand over the injured limb he sighed as a lone unchecked tear tracked its' way down his cheek. The lack of trust on top of the emotional turmoil was almost overwhelming.  He understood that his brother had not been acting maliciously but as he said out of concern and although he tried to take solace in that it was little recompense for what he now had to deal with. He dreaded the thought of facing the others, cringing at the notion they too might agree with his sibling even if they hadn't said so.  When Will had conveyed Voights' part in the conversation he understood his questions were asked as an act of duty.  The older man was responsible after all for the welfare of the Unit, physical or otherwise.  Still it would have been bad enough if Will had only spoken to the others.  The Sergeant in the mix was after exponentially increasing the embarrassment he was experiencing.  Noticing the tear as it reached his chin Jay quickly wiped it away, ducking his head as the door opened behind him.

"How's it going in here?"
"Fine," the young Detective went to get up but a hand quickly kept him in place.
"I hear you had a visitor," Hank took the chair closest to his subordinate, "so let's try that again shall we? How is it going?"
"I ..... I don't know," Jay eyed his black and blue fingers unwilling to see the disappointment in his Superiors' eyes.
"Kid what Will did was wrong.  No question about it," Hank affirmed, "but you need to know none of them thought you were going to harm yourself.  None of them.  I had to ask Will questions because to be honest I have a duty of care but once I considered the matter I realised he was assessing the situation wrongly.  So are you upset we had the discussion without closing it down immediately?"
"It's .... it's not that.  Well ... it is but that's not ....,"
"Go on son."
"I never considered suicide as a selfish act, unlike many people I know.  I know that to commit suicide one has to be seriously depressed and if one is ill and that's the only way out of whatever hell they're in then I don't have any right to judge someone.  I figure mostly it's an accumulation of things over the years which pile up and eventually one thing too many tips the balance."
"Never thought of it that way," Hank had not expected to be having a discussion about taking ones' own life when he walked into the break room but did not try to derail the subject, sensing there was something the young man was trying to lead up to.
"Sometimes when I ....... was hurt or ..... locked up .....," Jay stalled, not sure why he was voicing one of his deepest secrets but maybe it was because this man, warts and all, was more of a father figure to him than his old man had ever been, "I ......... I wanted to die."
"Understandable," the Sergeant nodded without any trace of surprise in his tone, "a lot of people think of killing themselves in circumstances that seem insurmountable but that doesn't mean they're suicidal.  It just means their instincts are kicking in and acknowledging they have a battle on their hands."
"You don't think that's weak?"
"No I don't," the Sergeant was no fool and had noted his youngest Detective had yet to look him in the eye, "let me tell you when Camille died it was one of the hardest things I ever dealt with.  You know yourself what it's like when you lose someone you love.  You wake up for the first few days, sometimes weeks, afterwards and everything is fine for the first few seconds, then your new reality descends on you.  It's like having a cell door slammed on you, locking you in to deal with all the despair, grief and every other damn thing you don't want to feel.  What I'm saying is there were times I honestly didn't know if I could go on after Camille passed, or more importantly if I wanted to.  Kid look at me."
"Sarge?" Jay reluctantly looked up at the older man.
"You saying you wanted to die when things were unbearable doesn't make you weak. It makes you human," Hank saw the hurt lingering in the blue eyes, "we know you Kid and thank God you're not that depressed."
"Hah," Jay scoffed, "and my own brother doesn't know that. Can I ask you something?"
"Sure."
"Is Wills' visit the reason you got Sam Benedict to call in?"
"No.  I figured you could use someone to talk to besides us and he has a military background.  I'll tell you what I told him.  I don't believe you're at risk I just want to make sure I do whatever I can to help.  Listen Kid I can't speak for Will but I can speak for these guys," Hank gestured to the men behind the closed door as he got to his feet, "they know you and respect you.  You have no reason to be embarrassed by your brothers' actions Kid. The day you have something to be embarrassed about I'll tell you so how about we go out there and get some work done?"
"Yeah Sarge," Jay gathered his resolve like a cloak of armour as he stood up carefully, mindful of his hip.
"Besides with you in here it's unknown what trouble Ruzek could get up to," Hank pointed out with a smirk as he patted the smaller mans' back and then led the way out.

If Jay remained quieter than usual for the remainder of the work day no one alluded to it. Everyone simply got on with their work without any show of the awkwardness he had expected.  Nearing the end of shift Al gave them a brief rundown on a visit Hank and himself had made to a CI, after their Court appointment, in an effort to track down Michael Carter.  Unfortunately all the man had been able to relay was that he heard Carter was trying to skip town but had no funds.  The CI had no address for the man they sought but did say he frequented two bars downtown.  Hank had decided to send Antonio and Al to check out the first one the following night.  He followed that direction up by casually saying Jay and himself would be checking out the second one.  This announcement illicited several surprised looks, no one more shocked than Jay.

"That alright with you Halstead?" Hank demanded gruffly as he headed back into his office signalling for Al to join him.
"Yeah Sarge," Jay responded hastily in case the other man changed his mind.
"It's ten before five ye can head off for the day," the Sergeant addressed the other men as Al walked past him into the office, "everyone be here for 8 a.m."
"Sure Sarge," Antonio nodded before the door closed then turned to the others, "anyone feel like a Lethal Weapon marathon?"
"You bet," Adam rubbed his hands together gleefully, "ye bring the DVDs and we'll sort the beer and popcorn."
"'We' will?" Jay arched an eyebrow.
"See Jay agrees," Adam stated triumphantly ignoring the sarcasm behind the words.
"Look guys I know what ye're doing and ......,"
"Hey man I've been looking forward to a Lethal Weapon marathon for ages," Kevin spoke up, "you're not going to spoil it are you?"
"Me too," Antonio added fervently.
"Thanks guys," Jay shook his head in defeat as he turned to his roommate , "guess we better go. If we have to feed this lot we're gonna need to stock up."
"Knew you'd agree," Adam stated smugly, stepping out of the way as the injured man went to hit him.

tbc

CI - Confidential Informant