Tolerance Book I (Chicago PD/Med FF) by Frances51163

Chapter One Hundred and Fifty-Nine: Disclosure

As Jay came back to the present he eyed his companion cautiously.

"I know I put Will in an awkward position but I didn't have a choice."
"Hey you don't need to feel quilty over that," Sam pointed out kindly, "you were trying to protect your mother. Surely you know Will understands that."
"Guess he does." Jay sighed heavily, "it was hard for him."
"It was worse for you. I'm sure he doesn't hold it against you."
"Wouldn't blame him if he did."
"You take on blame easily but you must learn to accept that the circumstances were out of your control. You made the best of a bad situation. There is no need for you to worry about your brother. He knows you did what you thought best. Have ye ever actually sat down and spoken about your childhood?"
"Will tried to over the years but I really don't see the point in it. Raking over the past never ends well."
"Maybe, maybe not but it seems to me it might help you. Maybe hearing Will say he doesn't hold anything against you will give you some closure," Sam suggested carefully.
"He wants to know everything that went on," Jay shook his head resolutely, "that can't ever happen"."
"Why do you think he shouldn't know everything? I understand you wanting to shield him from the whole truth when ye were kids but ye're adults now. Will would be able to handle the truth now."
"He shouldn't have to."
"Well you shouldn't have had to deal with the abuse you suffered but you did. You want to tell me the details?"
"Nope."
"Might help."
"Nope."
"Well if you ever change your mind my door will always be open. Just remember that," Sam shivered as he glanced at his watch, "come on. Let's head back and I'll lock up fully. Then you can buy me a beer."
"How come I'm buying?"

- - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Although a big step had been taken by Jay at that first session three weeks later it was clear to Sam that there was a lot more to be dealt with other than the other mans' traumatic upbringing. In the intervening sessions Jay had been reticent to discuss his time in protective custody. He had in fact been upset that Voight had informed the Counsellor about that time. Sam had tried to assuage his friends' concern by pointing out the Sergeant was only doing what any good leader would do, look after his man. Although not placated by this reasoning Jay had pushed his anger aside and turned to a different topic. That had been two sessions ago and the Counsellor decided now was the time to broach the subject again. Eyeing the pale man across from him the black haired man leant back in his leather chair and folded his arms. He knew he needed to thread carefully.

"Have you been in danger a lot since you became a Police Officer?"
"Danger is part of the job," Jay scratched his stubbled chin wishing the rains hadn't confined them to the clinic.
"That's not really an answer to my question."
"There has been danger," the Detective frowned.
"So you've been hurt on the job?"
"Most Cops get hurt at some point."
"I'm not asking about 'most Cops' I'm asking about you. How many times have you been hurt in the line of duty?"
"I don't know."
"You've been hurt so many times you've lost count?"
"Didn't say that."
"What kind of injuries did you sustain?"
"Got beaten up and shot."
"Would you say you're used to getting hurt on the job?"
"You never get used to it," Jay offered after a brief silence as he tried to figure out where this discussion was heading, "you know what it's like in a dangerous situation. You don't dwell on the what ifs. If something happens you deal with it then."
"I do know," Sam concurred seriously, "but I was only in the army for a brief stint. Your job is full time. Being placed in witness protection must have provided a relief to some degree,"
"Why do you think that?"
"You had people around you whose main purpose was to ensure your safety. That should have allowed you to relax your guard a little."
"Never let my guard down."
"Why not? Your friends wouldn't have let you down. Don't you trust them?"
"Course I do!"
"Yet you remained vigilant. Is that because you didn't think your friends were as good as you?"
"Hey of course they are!"
"So why did you remain alert?"
"Guess it's in my nature," Jay admitted reluctantly.
"Nothing wrong with that. Being a Sniper lends itself to self reliance but with your childhood you honed those traits early on. It was a way to survive and it's something you have continued to use in your adult life. Being self reliant is obviously very important to you but maybe you should ask yourself if it is necessary all the time. Perhaps you could make an effort to be less vigilant."
"Sam in my job that gets someone killed," Jay addressed the Counsellor with a frown, "you have to know that."
"I'm not talking about your professional life I think it's time you let your guard down in your personal life."

Jay suddenly knew where this conversation was going and he shifted on his chair uneasily. He didn't like this one little bit. Eyeing the door to his left he momentarily thought of leaving but knew it wouldn't achieve anything. Sam was not going to relent, that much he had learnt from their sessions.

"I don't like ........ talking about ....... myself."
"Can you tell me why?"
"Just don't," Jay shrugged dismissively keeping his gaze on the carpet.
"Try again," Sam instructed gently, "it have anything to do with what your father said to you as a child?"
"I'm not discussing that Sam," Jay reminded quietly.
"I know you don't want to talk about the specifics but just answer that question for me. Please?"
"Maybe," the Detective eventually muttered uncomfortably.
"As a child you were susceptible to what you were told but as you grew older you knew the words were only spoken to tear you down. There was no basis in truth for anything he said to hurt you."
"You don't know that!"
"I can say it with certainty because I know the man you became Jay. You have a streak of integrity which shines through. You're a good man therefore anything your father said to your detriment had to be a lie. You need to accept that."
"The hour's up," Jay blushed as he went to stand up to signal an end to the appointment.
"No stay," the Counsellor quickly stood and walked around his desk, putting out a hand to keep his companion seated, "you're embarrassed because I praised you. You don't have to be. I merely spoke the truth. Is that hard to accept?"
"Not sure."
"No shame in accepting compliments," Sam sank down into the chair beside the discomfited man, noting the struggle for fight or flight going on behind his eyes, "letting your guard down doesn't always result in hurt. Just think about it. Consider talking to Will about something from your childhood. It's obvious he cares a great deal about you."
"I can't .....,"
"I'm asking you to make the effort," Sam rose, "if you try and can't do it fine. I just want you to give it a go. I'll see you same time on Friday. You know how to reach me if you need me for anything in the meantime."
"Okay," Jay rose in relief, "thanks Sam."
"No thanks necessary. Don't forget you're babysitting Thursday night."
"You're sure you still want me to ...,"
"I'm sure. Wouldn't leave him with anyone else. You might just end up saving my marriage."
"Yeah right!" Jay scoffed and headed off after shaking hands.

Sam sighed as the door closed behind his reluctant patient. Although they were making some progress he was disappointed Jay didn't trust him enough to talk about his childhood. If he could get the other man to open up to his brother it would be the next best thing. He just hoped the Detective would take the chance.

tbc

Authors' Note:

Sorry for the long gap since last chapter. Real life is keeping me busy but I promise to write as much as I can.