Tolerance Book I (Chicago PD/Med FF) by Frances51163

Chapter One Hundred and Sixty-Two: Demons Rising

Walking into the kitchen Jay was surprised to see two large cheese and ham omelettes waiting to be devoured.  His stomach decided to growl its' agreement that eating was a good idea so he sank down onto the nearest chair as the Sergeant deposited two steaming mugs of coffee on the table then sat down opposite his young Detective.
"Didn't know you liked omelettes Sarge," Jay commented before taking a tentative bite.
"Wouldn't be my first choice but your fridge is pretty bare. "
"Sorry. "
"Nothing to be sorry for.  I do eat omelettes occasionally. "
"So how are things at the precinct? "
"Fine," Voight replied with an amused expression, "you don't need to be nervous Kid.  You're with a friend."
"Yeah sorry," Jay busied himself sprinkling salt over the yellow concoction.
"I'm not going to order you to talk to me.  I just think you need to talk to someone whether it's me, Will, Sam or someone else."
"Talking isn't helping," Jay finally looked across at the older man, "all it's doing is bringing back more stuff I don't want to think about."
"I've told you before you're not a fool Jay.  You know things that are buried usually make their way to the surface at some point."
"Hell I'm sick and tired of things coming back to me!" Jay voiced his frustration as he downed his cutlery indicating he had enough of the meal after onky a few bites.
"Can't say as I blame you Kid.  You have every reason to be pissed off.  Thing is though being pissed off isn't getting you anywhere.  You need to deal with whatever demons are making you afraid to sleep."
"I .....,"
"A lot of people have demons Kid but some have more than others," Voight stood and picked up the two plates, "you got any whiskey?"
"Yeah," Jay answered as he watched his Superior toss the remains of their meals into the food bin, "bit early to be hitting the hard stuff though."
"In some corner of the world it's night time," Voight countered with a smirk as he retrieved two whiskey glasses from an overhead cupboard, "so come on I need a drink."
"Sure," Jay rose with a frown not sure he really wanted to let his guard down, "only have Jamesons Irish Whiskey.  That okay?"
"That's more than okay," the Sergeant followed the ill at ease young man into the living area and accepted the full bottle handed to him making short work of pouring two shots of the amber liquid.
"Sarge you trying to get me drunk?" Jay asked as he accepted the glass held out to him before lowering himself down on an armchair.
"Figure a shot might help you relax a little.  I'm not trying to force the issue.  The choice is yours."
"Well in that case I'll pass."
"Not like you to run away from something," Voight stated after taking a sip of the golden drink, "nightmares can be unpredictable, unrelenting even.  I know about nightmares but the thing is going over them in the light of day can sometimes banish them.  After Justin died I kept having dreams about him calling out for me.  I woke up in a cold sweat more than once.  Eventually I realized it was my own guilt which was causing the nightmares.   Accepting it was out of my control was a difficult pill to swallow."
"Ssrge you don't need ....,"
"Kid I want you to know that I've battled demons too and the one thing I've learnt is that ignoring them just exacerbates the problem.  If you want to tell me about your nightmare earlier it won't leave here.  You have my word on that."
"It was just something from when I was a kid," Jay shrugged and downed a large gulp of the alcoholic drink, savouring its' smoothness.
"Well I doubt it was 'just' something.  You looked terrified.  I'm guessing it had to do with your old man."
"You should be a Detective," Jay sighed as he felt some of the tension leaving him, the whiskey flowing through his bloodstream doing its' job.
"So what was the dream about?"
"One time he got so cross ..... I was just in so much pain ............... I ...... I wet myself," Jay divulged with a blush and quickly took another gulp from his glass.
"A natural reaction to severe stress," Voight noted casually, seemingly unfazed by his subordinates' admission, "there's no shame in being scared Jay.  You were a kid and that son of a bitch hurt you.   You said something before I woke you."
"What did I say?" Jay asked with foreboding, the whiskey in his stomach threatening a comeback.
"'Kill me'".

"Hell," Jay cursed and put down his empty glass, keeping his gaze downwards.
"You asked him to kill you.  That was what he wanted Jay.  He was trying to break you."
"And he did."
"No he didn't," the Sergeant leant forward to catch the younger mans' eye, "you may have said those words but you survived Jay.  You survived when many would have given up."
"I ..... I don't ....,"
"Don't what?" Voight probed gently,  surprised but relieved the young man was opening up a little.
"I don't know ....... what I did wrong."
"Kid nothing you did gave him the right to hurt you like he did.  You said yourself the slightest thing would set him off.  He was an evil S.O.B. and that's the only reason he hurt you."
"Maybe if .......,"
"Jay there are no 'maybes'," the Sergeant interrupted as he stood and quickly poured out two more shots before retaking his seat, "he was the adult, not you.  He should have done right by you but he didn't.  He got off way too lightly and right now I hope he's roasting in hell!"
"Sarge don't say that! It's my fault his dead!" Jay put down his glass and stood up to pace.
"He died from the cancer," Voight also rose, "it's not on you Jay."
"If I hadn't shot him he might have had a better chance to fight it."

This silenced Voight momentarily.  How had they not seen this? The young Detective was blaming himself for his fathers' death.  Although at the time of the old mans' demise Jay had made some comments none of them had realised the level of guilt and blame he was carrying.  That on top of everything else was doubtlessly the reason behind the lack of sleep and nightmares.  Wishing Sam was present to offer some valuable advice Voight cursed internally.   He knew there was no point in reminding Jay that his father deserved what he got.  That the man was not worthy of the guilt he was shouldering.  At the end of the day the older man realised a hard truth, however unpalatable.  The old man was Jays' father and that undeniable link meant inherent feelings between father and son existed no matter what abuse had been handed down.  Damn! Voight wanted to vent his anger at the situation his subordinate and friend was in.   He was obviously being tugged in different directions.  His logical side telling him his old man did not deserve a second thought but his heart grieving for what might have been and what should have been.   He was about to speak when the door opened and Will walked in carrying a bag of groceries.

"I have two keys," the redhead explained upon seeing the Sergeants' frown, "everything okay? I tried to ring to check if you needed me to pick up anything but it rang out."
"Sorry," Jay threw his Superior a warning look, "left my cell in the bedroom."
"I'm starving," Will commented having observed the look between the two men, "how about Chinese?"
"Sure I could eat," Voight replied keeping his gaze on his Detective, "and so could Jay.  He wasn't too gone of my cooking efforts.  Only ate a few bites."
"Just wasn't hungry. Don't you need to be going?"
"He can stay if he wants," Will put in as he took the groceries into the kitchen after retrieving a Takeout Menu.
"He's busy," Jay looked at his brothers' retreating back, "thanks for coming Sarge."
"You kicking me out Kid?"
"No! I just ..... I ....,"
"Let's have a Chinese and just take it easy okay?  I really am hungry."
"Okay Sarge but don't tell Will what I said.  You gave me your word," Jay spoke softly to ensure his words did not carry into the kitchen.
"I'll keep my promise but Will would be eager to listen to anything you say
and I know he doesn't blame you for the old mans' death."
"I never said he did."
"True but I know the way your mind works.  Why not ask him yourself?"
"Ask me what?" Will demanded as he walked out of the kitchen .....

tbc