Tolerance Book I (Chicago PD/Med FF) by Frances51163

Chapter One Hundred and Sixty: Hope

Will had finished his shift on time for a change and knocked on Jays' door eager to ascertain why he had been summoned. The door was opened on the second knock and the redhead had to make an effort to hide his concern as he eyed his sibling. He hadn't seen him for over a week and in that time he seemed to have gone through hell. Sunken cheeks attested to a lack of eating and the bruised skin around his eyes betrayed that yet again the other man was having problems sleeping. On his part Jay was second guessing his invitation. Sam had reminded him that he wasn't afraid to confront things and calling Will had been an act to confirm the Counsellor was right but now that the older man stood before him he found his resolve evaporating like an early morning mist.

"Well are you going to let me in?" Will prompted when his sibling did not step aside to let him in.
"Yeah course. Sorry. You want a beer?"
"Sure," Will shrugged off his jacket and tossed it on the couch before following his brother into the small kitchen, "so what's up?"
"You never had any patience," Jay pointed out ad he handed over a bottle after taking the cap off, "just figured we could talk."
"Sure. What do you want to talk about?"
"Why do you want to talk about our .... childhood so much?" Jay asked his own question as he led the way into the living area and sank down wearily on his favourite armchair.
"I guess because I feel like you kept a lot from me," Will responded truthfully as he made himself comfortable on the couch, "I feel like I let you down.
"Why would you say that? You didn't know about most of the things that went down."
"I should have. Maybe if I had been more reliable you would have trusted me more."
"Hell Will trust had nothing to do with it."
"Well why didn't you tell me everything if you trusted me?"
"Guess I didn't want ...... to disappoint you." Jay confided hoarsely keeping his gaze on the carpet.
"You could never disappoint me," Will fervently insisted with a frown, "if anyone should be disappointed it should be you. You had to deal with the old man by yourself."
"You did try to help."
"Yeah and you paid the price. Can I ask you something?"
"Okay," Jay nodded even as he braced himself for whatever his brother was about to ask.
"Are you mad at me because the old man never hurt me?"
"What? What kind of a question is that?!"
"It's the kind of question I've wanted to ask a for a long time."
"Course not! It would have been worse if he hurt you too."
"So I kinda get the part about you not wanting me to know everything when we were kids but why won't you tell me now?"
"Guess I don't know why you're so anxious to hear about what happened," Jay admitted after a brief silence, "it won't change anything."

"I've spent years trying to imagine what it was like for you but the truth is even if you told me everything that b*****d did I still wouldn't really understand because you experienced the pain. No words can really convey the hell you went through and I am so sorry little brother, so sorry. "
"Hell Will don't go getting sentimental on me!" Jay forced a grin.
"I'm not. I'm being honest."
"You remember my twelfth birthday?"
"Sure," the redhead frowned wondering where the question was leading, "you had that godawful green cast on your arm after falling off your bike and ....,"
"Didn't fall of my bike," the younger man spoke into his siblings' pause, "the old man pushed me up against the back door because I took too long to answer some dumb question."
"Damn."
"By then I was good at lying," Jay noted with obvious desdain.
"Hey you did what you had to do to survive. Don't beat yourself up over any of those lies. I know for a fact Mom would have understood."
"You can't know that!"
"Yeah I can and deep down you know it too."
"You're so damn certain. Why?"
"Because Mom loved you with all her heart. She would have understood you were in an impossible position. All you did was survive Jay. There's no shame in that. None at all."
"Maybe ..... maybe .... if I had been good like you he ........ he wouldn't have done what he did."
"You were good Jay. You didn't do anything wrong. You told me before he would pick any reason to hit you. Don't fall into the trap of self blame because you never did anything to deserve what he did to you. It was all on him. Lay the blame where it belongs Kid."
"It's not that easy, " Jay admitted reluctantly as he twirled the empty bottle with his fingers.
"Most things aren't," the redhead stood up and retrieved his brothers' bottle and made short work of getting two new drinks before sitting down again, "but when they're important it's worth it."

"Can I ask you something?" Jay asked hesitantly, wondering if he should continue or not.
"You can ask but I can't guarantee I'll answer," Will tried to lighten the atmosphere but frowned when he saw how tense his sibling was, "ask me whatever you want to. I promise I'll be honest."
"When we were kids did you think Mom treated me differently to you?"
"What do you mean? She treated us both the same". "
"I was sick a lot. She had to look after me," Jay pointed out, finally confronting an issue which had plagued him for years.
"Wasn't your fault you were sick. Mom did what any mother would do. Why are you asking that? Don't you think she loved you?"
"No ..... yeah I mean .....," Jay rose to his feet and began pacing in frustration, "I just think I was a lot of work."
"Hey where is this coming from?" Will stood up and placed a firm but gentle hand on the smaller mans' shoulder to get him to stay still.
"You know I missed school sometimes and she took time off work. They needed two wages coming on."
"What did the old man say to you Jay?" Will finally realized the source of his brothers' skewed way of thinking.
"It doesn't matter," Jay shrugged dismissively, "I shouldn't have gotten sick so often."
"No one can cantrol getting sick. You were a kid. Whatever the old man said was wrong. You're a smart guy. Don't let him dictate your thoughts now. He chose words to hurt you. You had no control over the migraines. You have to know that! Tell me you know that."
"I should have just gone to school," Jay confided quietly.
"You went when you were able to manage it when you were sick. I admired your tolerance back then. Hell I still do. There were days you were pale as a ghost but you still went. I know when you stayed at home it was when you were feeling at your absolute worst. The old man had no right to make you feel guilty for being sick. He was a true coward in every sense of the word so anything he said to you is worthless."
" Yeah, I know you're right, " Jay admitted with a sigh, "but it doesn't change what happened."
"No it doesn't," the redhead agreed honestly, "but one day you might believe that you have nothing to be guilty about and I aim to be there for you in the meantime."
"You always were stubborn."
"Me!"

Jay knew he would still keep some things closely guarded but now that he had broached the topic of their childhood he felt as if some of his burden had been lightened. It probably wouldn't be enough to please Sam but he would deal with that problem another time.

tbc