Tolerance Book I (Chicago PD/Med FF) by Frances51163

Chapter One Hundred and Sixty-Three: Revalations

Time seemed to stand still as silence ensued after Wills' question.  For his part Jay was trying to figure out a way to distract his brother.  Voight however was grateful for the opportunity to bring Will into the equation.  Looking between the two men the Doctor realized he had stepped into the middle of something his brother was obviously unhappy about.  Deciding it was better to deal with things head on, knowing he was risking tbe younger mans' wrath, he repeated his question.

"Forget it," Jay directed firmly.
"Ask him Kid," Voight ordered quietly.
"This has nothing to do with you!"
"I think it does now ask him."
"Just leave it."
"Since you won't I will," the Sergeant glanced at the confused redhead, "Jay has got it into his head that he's responsible for your old mans' death and ......,"
"Sarge you have no ......,"
"he thinks that you should blame him. Do you?" Voight ignored the interruption.
"Jay? We spoke about this," Will allowed his surprise to show, "he was dying before you shot him.  Even if you had shot him dead in that warehouse I wouldn't have blamed you.  Truth is I'm not sure I wouldn't have killed him if I had been in your shoes."
"If ........ if I hadn't shot him he might still be alive," Jay muttered as he turned away from both men and sat down on the couch wearily.
"I told you Jay.  He was in Stage 4 when you shot him.   There's no coming back from that," Will shared a concerned look with Voight before walking over and crouching down in front of the distressed man, "he was going to die whether or not he was shot."
"I let Mom down."
"No you didn't!" Will cursed to himself, he should have known his brothers' sense of honour would not easily overcome what had taken place in the warehouse.
"Listen to Will Kid. He doesn't blame you and your mother wouldn't either. I know you loved her her very much and she was your best friend so accept that she would understand what you did."
"Jay you were put in an impossible position," Will added, "and it wasn't the first time.  You have to let yourself off the hook.  No one is blaming you only yourself.  Mom wouldn't want you to punish yourself for something that was outside of your control.  Deep down you have to know that."
"Kid you take on unnecessary guilt and it wears you down," the Sergeant walked over and sat down beside the embattled Detective, "I know it's not easy to deal with what happened in the warehouse but you had no choice but to shoot him ....,"
"Hank I don't think .......," Will began only to be cut off.
"Not talking about it is why Jay isn't sleeping," Voight spoke with his usual blunt honesty but the redhead recognised the genuine concern for his sibling.
"I say you had no choice because if you could have got out of there without shooting him you would have.  Remember he was the one who thought up the sick game."
"I should have tackled him," Jay finally muttered in response, "he might still be alive."
"You can't change what happened Jay," Will placed a hand on his brothers' knee, "and I'm glad.  You were in no condition to fight him.  I'd have lost you."

Rubbing a band down his face  the younger man stifled a yawn.   He knew what the two men said made sense but couldn't easily accept the words.  He wondered if acceptance would ever be within his grasp.  The guilt he had been carrying seemed to envelope his very being but he had not disclosed everything.  Sighing he looked at his clasped hands debating whether or not he should give voice to some of his inner torment.  He missed the concerned looks exchanged between his companions.

"Jay there's something else you're worried about," Voight spoke, "want to tell us what it is?"
"There's nothing I .....,"
"Jay whatever it is you can trust us.  Please?" Will pleaded.
"I can't!" Jay shoved off his brothers' hand and got to his feet.
"Told you before Kid you don't know the meaning of the word 'can't'," the experienced Sergeant got to his feet to be at eye level with the upset man, "it have anything to do with the nightmare you had earlier?"
"Sarge!"
"I know you've been having nightmares," Will quickly cut in to avoid an argument.
"How?"
"I've heard you," Will shrugged, "anytime I went in to wake you you had already calmed down.  So what was the nightmare about?"
"Just something I hadn't thought of in years."
"So tell us Kid," Hank ordered gently as he retook his seat and gestured for the other two men to sit down.
"It doesn't matter," Jay stated as he sat down after a brief hesitation knowing running away was not the answer, 'can't undo the past."
"No but the future is yours to write.  What's got you so spooked Jay," Will sat down beside his brother, allowing their shoulders to touch on an effort to give some element of physical support which would not be rebuffed, "you've remembered a lot of stuff since that night in the car park and I know it's been hard but what's come back to you now?"
"I thought I knew who I was but ....," Jay trailed off unaware of the confused expressions his anguished words created.
"Go on Kid," Voight prompted after the silence lengthened.
"I ...... forgot ...... I forgot he ........ broke me."
"What are you talking about Jay?" Will demanded.
"I asked him to ........ kill me," Jay muttered ducking his head in shame.
"That didn't break you! You survived everything Jay.  Everything.  That's proof he didn't break you!"
"Your brother is right Kid.  You have an incredible level of tolerance to overcome everything he did to you and despite what happened you became a good man when it would have been easy to become angry and bitter.
"Don't ye see?  I forgot that day.  I thought I knew who I was," Jay spoke as if to himself, "that I never gave into him but I did!"
"Really giving into him would have meant giving up Jay and you never did," Will sought to reassure his brother seeing the torment in his eyes, "want to tell us about that day?  It really might help."
"I ...... was in the back yard.  He left me there after ..... well ye know ..... and ...," Jay looked at the carpet rather than his companions but was interrupted.
"Kid how about actually saying what he did to you?  You always gloss over the beatings.  Maybe it's time to talk about what you actually went through," Voight suggested gently, "only us here."
"There's no point," the beleaguered man quickly insisted, shaking his head.
"Just this once Jay.  Please?" Will begged wanting  his sibling to let him help him  fight some of  his demons at least.

The younger man eyed the two men knowing they had his best interests at heart.   He knew he needed to do something as he couldn't go on as he was with only a couple of hours of sleep here and there.   His boss was right.  He would eventually collapse and the prospect of another hospital visit caused his stomach to churn.  Hospitals made him feel vulnerable.  The lack of control an unwelcome reminder of his turbulent upbringing when he was at the mercy of the old man.   Sighing internally he gathered his resolve and decided to share the events of that long ago day with his visitors.  He only hoped that after they learnt about it they would not regard him differently.  That was a risk he had to take.

"If I'm doing this I need another whiskey."
"Sure thing," Voight hid his relief and quickly got a third glass, handing a shot to the brothers before pouring his own and retaking a seat.
"Go on Jay," Will encouraged even as his gut clenched with dread, his sibling never needed alcohol to deal with things but obviously what was to come was bad, really bad .......

tbc