Tolerance Book I (Chicago PD/Med FF) by Frances51163

Chapter One Hundred and Sixty-Four

The silence lingered as Jay finished reciting the events of the day in question. It had taken over two hours for him to relay the story. When he quietly relayed the part about wetting himself the older men seemed unfazed which gave him tbe strength to continue.  He had hesitated in his recital frequently, unsure if either man wanted to hear any more. Each break in the sorry saga was met with patience and encouragement to continue. Will looked over at the stone faced Sergeant and saw the battle raging in his eyes.   He recognised it for he knew his own eyes betrayed the same emotions. Rage seemed to course through his veins but he knew, as Voight did, such emotion would only hurt the younger man. Listening to Jay revisit just one day of many similar days had sickened the Doctor and he once again marvelled at his brothers' resilience.

"Jay you have to know that what that b*****d did to you is on him, not you," Voight finally spoke, "you have nothing to be ashamed of or embarrassed about."
"You can talk about what the old man did to you anytime," Will joined in, "I want you to know you can tell me anything and it won't change my opinion of you."
"Same here Kid," Voight readily assured, "I know telling us about that day wasn't easy but maybe it might mean one less nightmare for you."
"He didn't break you Jay. He never did," Will reiterated firmly as the image his mind conjured up of his sibling feeling so bad that he would ask to be killed made his gut clench.

On his part Jay heard what his companions said but found the words hard to accept. He had asked to be killed after all and that was the epitome of giving up in his book which he equated with being broken by the sadistic man. He looked from Voight to Will and back again.

"Ye're wrong. He broke me the minute I asked him to ...... kill me."
"No he didn't," the Sergeant stated emphatically, "I know you were a child but I'm willing to bet you knew he wouldn't go that far.  You asking him to kill you was a reaction at the time to the horrible situation you were in.  You're here today because he couldn't break you Kid.  That's a fact."
"He's right Jay.  We're not just saying this to make you feel better we're saying it because it's the truth."
"I can't believe I forgot about that day," Jay confessed with a sigh, "I always told myself when ...... it was happening ........... that I got through ... well ye know ...... the other times and I'd do it again.  Knowing I had made it through the other times gave me the strength to survive but now .......,"
"Now what?" the redhead frowned.
"Everything I relied on was based on a lie!" Jay stood up and began pacing.
"You did make it through the beatings," Voight countered, "you may have pushed that day to the back of your mind but it doesn't matter.  Hell anyone would have said 'kill me' when they felt it was too hard to deal with the pain you endured Kid.  You told us about the broken ribs and the beating you suffered that day but we all know you experienced that kind of pain before and after that day.  The cruel thing I've learnt about pain, physical or otherwise, is that no matter how many times you suffer the exact same type of pain you never get used to it.   The blunt trauma you suffered for years was not lessened because you were familiar with the injuries and yet you somehow managed to survive and become a good hearted young man.  That speaks volumes about your tenacity."
"Pushing something hurtful to the back of your mind wasn't a foundation for a lie Jay," Will rose and stopped his sibling pacing, "it was a foundation for survival and I'm damn glad you're still here."

"What else are you worried about Kid?" Voight leaned forward on his seat as Will guided his brother back to the armchair.
"Nothing," the young Detective answered too quickly.
"Whatever it is why not tell us?"
"I just .....,"
"Jay what is it?" Will asked with renewed concern.
"Ye'll hate me," Jay refused shaking his head vehemently.
"Never going to happen Kid," the Sergeant assured without hesitation, "just say whatever it is.  There's no judgement here."
"Go on Jay."
"Deep down I ...... I wanted to ..... kill him .... in the warehouse."
"Be surprised if you didn't," Voight pointed out without surprise, "you're human Jay.  No one can blame you for wanting to hurt him.  No one."
"I told you before Jay if you had killed him that day I wouldn't have blamed you," Will reminded honestly, "I know it's easy to say but you have got to let yourself off the hook.  You're pubishing yourself when there's no need to.  You need to accept that thinking about doing something is far removed from doing it.  In the end you risked your life by shooting to injure not kill. You couldn't be sure he wouldn't be able to retaliate when you shot him. You took that risk knowing you were in no condition for a physical struggle. That's the person you are Jay, decent and honourable. "

"When will it stop?" Jay asked despondently, unwilling to address the compliment.
"What?" Will could guess what the distressed man was alluding to but wanted him to say the words.
"Everything .....," Jays' voice lowered, "it's like my childhood is a movie stuck on repeat ... I don't want to remember anything else."
"Maybe you're remembering things at this time because you're able to handle the memories now," Voight suggested looking from Will to his Detective and back again, "what do you say Doc.  Does that make sense?"
"It does.  The attack at Med threw open the door to your memories but they've always been with you Jay.  You consigned them to a place in your mind where they could do little harm but they were always there."
"So how do I put them back?" Jay pleaded brokenly, keeping his gaze on the floor.
"That's the six million dollar question," Voight stated evenly, "I'm guessing if you deal with them in time they will stop torturing you. You don't like talking about yourself but bringing those nightmares out into the open should go a long way in banishing them."
"We all know nightmares fade when scrutinised," Will added, "maybe tackling each memory as it comes back to you will work.  Surely there's no harm in trying anyway."
"And you have plenty of people who will listen, not just Will and myself.  Of course if you prefer just to talk to us that's grand too.  We're here for you Kid, whatever you need, whenever you need."
"Might be an idea to talk to Sam," Will suggested evenly.
"No," Jay shook his head adamantly, "I'm not talking to him about what happened when I was a kid."
"I thought you got on well with him," Voight frowned.
"I do.   He's a good guy but I just can't talk to a stranger about ..... personal stuff.  It's too hard."
"Well he will still have to sign off on you returning to work but if you agree to talk to us or someone else I'll back you Kid.  Do we have a deal?"
"Deal," Jay offered his hand to consolidate his promise.

For his part Will was unsure if this was the best way forward for his sibling.  Neither the seasoned Sergeant or himself had degrees in psychology and the younger mans' problems were deep rooted.  The Doctor glanced at the Sergeant wondering if he had picked up on the propability that there were still more memories which his sibling was avoiding confronting.   A shiver went down his spine realising there were even more painful days that his baby brother had endured.  Voight looked at him and nodded imperceptibly.  Yes he was aware there were more things to be dealt with.  He was also aware however that Jay would not confide in
the Counsellor.  They would have to thread carefully through the minefield his Detective was stuck in and hope to get him out in one piece.

tbc

Authors' Note

As ye know I am Irish. Just to clarify I used 'ye'll hate me' as in Ireland that means 'ye will hate me'.