Tolerance Book I (Chicago PD/Med FF) by Frances51163

Chapter One Hundred and Twenty-Five: Will Accepts The Truth

Chicago Med

Conor finally found his quarry sitting on a wooden bench outside the hospital entrance. Walking over he noted the look of turmoil in his friends' eyes.

"You want to tell me what's going on with you and the Unit?" the Surgeon decided to get straight to the point as he knew they could be paged at any time.
"I told them about my concern for Jay," the redhead replied succinctly.
"As you know when Adam called me after your visit to the precinct he didn't tell me what exactly was said.  He just wanted me to talk to you before you did something to hurt Jay."
"He's my brother!  What am I supposed to do? Just ignore my worries?"
"Given your response when you heard about the collision I can guess what you're concerned about," the black haired man stated knowingly, "but Jay isn't showing any signs of clinical depression."
"He hardly eats, he won't talk about his problems and he isn't getting enough sleep."
"True those may be an indication of depression but I understand he has always had a small appetite," Conor spoke softly, "and he never, willingly, talks about his problems."
"What about lack of sleep?" Will challenged.
"He has a lot on his plate, especially now with the injuries he sustained," Conor turned to face the other man as he continued seriously, "but you should look at the bigger picture. Jay clearly turns his anger inwards, look at the incident in the shower, that's probably partly how he dealt with what he went through growing up.  Sure it's not healthy and for some it can be a small leap to go from unintentionally hurting oneself to actively hurting oneself and in turn that may lead to someone taking their own life.  For Jay though I don't think that's the case.  He didn't give up before and I really don't think he will now."
"You sound so certain," Will said half accusingly.
"You're too close to him to see everything that's going on.  You love him and you want to keep him safe but given your job you've seen worst case scenarios take place which may be tainting your view somewhat."
"You saying the bad things that happen here don't stay with you?"
"Course they do but I make sure I put things into perspective.  Will you can't live life on the basis that the worst case scenario is going to happen, especially in respect of Jay.  He's proven he's incredibly strong.  Trust him to live his life how he wants.  I never had a brother but if I did I'd want him to be like Jay.   You my friend are incredibly lucky."
"I'm just so afraid of losing him Conor," Will finally confessed his true torment, "I've let him down so much over the years.  He went through losing Mom all by himself.  I couldn't even face coming back.  He'll never really talk about that time or what he went through growing up and I can't force him."
"No you can't," Conor agreed, "but by being around now you're helping him.  He knows what you've sacrificed in giving up your time and going into witness protection.  I think it would hurt him greatly if he thought you were thinking along the lines of suicide not because of the act itself but he could perceive it as your lack of understanding about who he is."
"What do you think of people who commit suicide?" Will asked quietly, wondering if the other man would open up about his mother.
"Honestly I think it's up to every person to decide their own fate.  Oh I know a lot of people think those who take their own lives are selfish but that's too simplistic.   The only difference between those who take their own lives and those who don't is that those who don't haven't been faced with their breaking point.  Every one of us has one but luckily most of us never learn what it is.   My mother ..... she took her own life.  I was a kid at the time so I didn't really understand it.  She had a mental illness which I don't think was treated properly.  Later on I realized that for her it was the only option she felt she had.  We both know there are many different reasons why people kill themselves.  No one has the right to judge anyones' decision.  It's their life and their choice."
"I think ...," Will hesitated.
"What?"
"I've never contemplated suicide, ever, but ........ when I think of everything Jay has gone through I think I would if I was in his shoes.  You're right ..... I have been projecting my fears onto him."
"You just got to be patient and accept Jay as he really is, which is a pretty great young man with a stubborn older brother!" the Surgeon stood up with a wink.

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After sharing a couple of sandwiches in the apartment, as Adam had abandoned his culinary efforts, Sam had left with a reminder to the injured man that anytime he wanted to talk, day or night, he was available.  To that end he had given the two Detectives his business card.  Adam had been about to protest that he didn't need it but stopped himself figuring it would send the wrong message to his friend.  Of course Jay had not helped by informing the Counsellor before he left that Adam had dreams about walking into Mollys naked.  Sam had simply grinned without comment as the blushing Detective spluttered out a denial.  Once he closed the door on the visitor Adam eyed his friend, the mirth now gone, no pretense needed.

"He really does seem like a good guy.  Did you talk to him?"
"Yeah I talked," Jay answered quickly not elaborating, "don't suppose you have any chocolate on you?"
"Actually you're in luck," Adam went over to his jacket, which he had thrown across the back of the couch earlier, and took out two Mars bars, "I picked these up this morning."
"I need to get some groceries," Jay accepted a bar and went into the kitchen for some milk, "shouldn't you be getting back to the precinct?"
"No," Adam frowned where he stood in the doorway, "Sarge said to stick with you."
"If they can't get Williamson to talk he's going to consider me going into hiding again," the tired Detective stated unhappily, "if it comes to that this time I'll do it fully on the books."
"What do you mean?"
"I mean I'll go into witness protection officially.  The rest of ye can get on with yer lives," Jay elaborated before he shook three pills into his hand and swallowed them with a gulp of water.
"The witness protection before was all on the books," Adam looked at his friend in surprise, "didn't Sarge explain that to you?"
"Even the house Platt arranged?" Jay asked sceptically as he picked up his glass of milk and walked back into the living room with his bar.
"Yes actually.  You know Voight.  He sorted it all out with Crowley.  The fact that we weren't using registered safehouses meant that other people could.  I just assumed he had told you," Adam sat down on the armchair opposite his friend, "apparently she didn't give him any grief.  He was able to temporarily list where we stayed as safehouses, with her approval."
"How come?" Jay took a bite as he rubbed his temple.
"Well it turns out she happened to agree that your old man needed to be dealt with asap."
"Well that may be but the fact is I rubbed several people up the wrong way in school," Jay rubbed his good hand down his face, "Sarge is going to want a list but ...,"
"But what?"
"I can't recall them all,"
"You remembered Carter."
"Oh yeah, definitely.  He was kinda hard to forget."
"Want to tell me about him?" Adam enquired as his cell buzzed and he checked the text.
"What is it?"
"Williamson talked.  Sarge and Antonio are on their way here," Adam sent a reply back as he grinned before becoming sombre, "was Carter the worst of them?"
"In some ways I guess so," Jay replied thinking back on what Sam had said about bringing bad memories out and facing them, debating if he should put the theory into practice.

tbc