Tolerance Book I (Chicago PD/Med FF) by Frances51163

Chapter Eighteen: Nightmare Revisited

Jays' wish for a rest devoid of disturbing dreams came to realization but only because he had not been able to fall asleep. Apparently at the moment being injured and tired were not suitable ingredients for a slumber recipe. After abandoning the bed he had gone out and made himself a coffee. While doing so he had asked Al and Antonio to promise they would not tell Voight about his disappearing act. Both men had considered the request then Al had sought a promise in return that Jay would not take off on his own again. Being honest Jay had reluctantly stated he could not give such a guarantee. It took some persuasion after that genuine admission but the two men finally gave their word that they would keep quiet. The relief he had felt was palpable and after thanking them he had once again retreated to his room.

He spent a couple of hours sitting by the window as recent events engulfed his thoughts. To this day it still hurt to know that his father hated him. It had taken years to finally accept that harsh reality which brought with it unquantifiable hurt. As he grew older he had told himself that his father was not someone worthy of respect and therefore his opinion should be null and void. His head knew that was right. His heart however was a different story altogether. The main source of his torment was founded in the fact that he had never done anything to engender such hatred. At times the young man had actually wished he had in fact done something terrible to warrant the animosity for at least then he would have a reason for the hurt which to this day was a fabric of his very being. His childhood tribulations did nuture a desire to protect others and luckily he was able to do a job which enabled him to do just that. A hand on his shoulder startled him and turning he found Adam crouching down beside him with a frown.

"Jay are you okay?"
"Yeah," the Detective was confused about the question.
"I've been talking to you for the past five minutes."
"Sorry. Just been thinking about stuff."
"Anything you want to talk about?"
"Nah you're good," Jay dismissed and stood up, "the others here?"
"Yeah. We arrived about ten minutes ago," Adam straightened up, "thought you would come out when you heard us but obviously you didn't."
"Sorry," Jay apologized again and headed for the door.
"Jay if you need a break at any time just say so. Everyone will understand."
"Just what does Voight want to talk about with the guys?" Jay paused as a momentary fear grasped him.
"He wants to go over what exactly your father might have heard in Mollys the night he attacked you."
"He already knows that," Jay was unconvinced.
"He wants to know everything they said," Adam watched the younger man pale.
"There's no need ...," this was bad, Jay felt his breathing quicken.
"Hey Jay?" Adam closed the gap between them and waited for the upset man to look at him.
"What?" Jay asked hoarsely, wishing he had thought to ask the guys just what exactly had been said.
"It's going to be okay," Adam was glad when his friends' breathing evened out.
"Let's do this," Jay turned and headed out with a concerned Adam following behind.

Walking into the living area Jay paused upon seeing Conor present. The Surgeon was sitting on a kitchen stool with Al beside him. Hank was sitting on an armchair with the three ex-Soldiers occupying the couch. Adam began to guide Jay towards the remaining armchair but the pale man quickly shook his head and walked over to lean against the window by the wall, already distancing himself. Adam casually brought two chairs over to the window, placing one beside his friend wordlessly, then sitting down on the chair he placed a foot away from his friends. He had meant it when he said he wanted to be there for Jay.

"Here Kid," Al had walked over with a large glass of 7UP knowing that helped if the other man began to get dizzy.
"Thanks," Jay accepted the ice cube laden drink and quickly availed of some as the sweat broke out on his forehead.
"Jay this is necessary to find Halstead Senior," Hank spoke for the first time from where he had been silently assessing the young Detective, "you tell me now you're not up to talking and we can leave it."
"For good?" Jay questioned hopefully.
"No," Hank sighed internally wishing he did not need to push the matter.
"Just do it," Jay lowered his gaze to the floor.
"Jay you say stop and we stop," Lance spoke for the first time, ignoring the Voight glare sent his way, "you're the boss."
"Thanks guys," Jay smiled knowing his friends would not be ordered around by anyone including the Sergeant.

"So tell us everything ye spoke about while ye were in Mollys," Voight ordered.
"Well, as ye know, we discussed the award ceremony. We spoke of how Jay would hate it," it was Mark who began, "we also spoke of how he deserved it."
"We spoke about the ambush in which Jay was hurt saving two men. The actions of that day are the reason he earned the medal."
"Didn't earn anything," Jay disputed morosely as he took another sip of 7UP.
"Go on," Voight urged.
"Why did ye?" Jay unexpectedly interrupted.
"Why what?" Adam frowned.
"Why did ye discuss it?" Jay ignored him and looked at his friends on the couch seeking an honest answer.
"Guess the ceremony brought it all back."
"Hell that day never left in the first place to be brought back. It's always there."
"You're right," Lance agreed solemnly, "but truth is we had never spoken about it. I mean we all know what happened but talking about it just didn't seem right."
"So why was it right that night?" Jay asked quietly.
"It just happened," Jack rubbed his forehead, "it wasn't that we decided to go to the bar to see you and discuss it. One thing just led to another. Can't even say we were drunk."
"Tell us about the ambush," Al directed quietly from his stool.

"Is that really necessary?" Jay demanded, a hint of anger colouring his words.
"It might help," Al was his usual pragmatic self.
"It might not."
"True," it was Voights' turn to cut in, "but it's a chance worth taking."
"Jay how about we start," Lance looked across at his friend still leaning against the redbrick wall, "you can stop us any time."
"That's a fair deal," Jack cajoled for he knew this might be the only chance to get the younger man to talk about the day in question.
"Okay," Jay agreed hesitantly after a long silence then sat down on the chair, wearily leaning forward to lean his arms on his knees despite the discomfort to his ribs.

"We were on a recon patrol intending to scope out a hill. In the final hour of darkness we got past friendly lines safely ....,"
"'Friendly lines'?" Adam raised an eyebrow.
"Camp was surrounded by such things as barbed wire, landmines, machine guns," Lance explained, "once you were past them you were out of friendly lines and in the combat zone."
"Go on," Voight directed sending his curious Detective a warning glance, this was not a Q&A and while he himself was also interested like the other civilians in the room questions would only drag out the conversation and Jay was already looking beat.
"So anyway once past friendly lines we began zig zagging, the usual practice in case the enemy is watching," Lance explained easily sending Adam a look letting him know he hadn't minded his query, "we were intending to be only out a few hours," he closed his eyes thinking back as that fateful day sprang to life in his memory ........

The boiling early morning Afghan humidity enveloped the men as they walked, immune to the discomfort. They were heading towards a few deserted houses, which had long since given into the demands of age and begun falling apart, and from there would veer north. They had taken two water breaks and the Lieutenant Colonel in charge, a well liked and respected career army man by the name of James Gonzalez, had designated a rally point in case a Soldier lost contact with the group or if the squad was forced to scatter. Approaching the ruins there was nothing to signal anything was amiss. Jay had taken Lance and one Sam Goldberg with him and gone on ahead checking for any signs that the enemy had been in the area. There were no signs. Despite the all clear the Lieutenant Colonel had opted to veer to the left of the buildings' remnants rather than going through them. There was nothing wrong or unusual about the order to go around despite the all clear. It would have been considered prudent if the decision had no consequences. Unfortunately on that particular day, as is the fickle and cruel nature of war, the decision resulted in the loss of many lives.

tbc