Tolerance Book I (Chicago PD/Med FF) by Frances51163

Chapter One Hundred and Fifty-One: A Matter of Worth

Chicago

The men had been back in Chicago a week and all noted that although Jay didn't seem as tense as he had been he was still feeling unwell.    On his return Conor had insisted on checking him out.   The Surgeon had confirmed that the younger man was run down and needed a chance to build up his strength.  Suggestions of taking it easy however were quickly brushed aside by the still injured Detective and he turned up to work on the same day as Hank and Adam returned.    The Sergeant had insisted on talking to his subordinate about taking some time off but was met with a blanket refusal.   Now the Unit watched their youngest struggle through the work days without complaint as he withdrew further into himself.    After Jay had left for the day Adam looked around the open plan office with a heavy sigh.

"Thought getting Franklin would make things better.   We've tracked down everyone who was going after him so he should be feeling good but he isn't."
"It's not that easy to flick a switch and say everything is alright," Hank stood at his office door, "a lot of things have been brought up that he never really had the chance to deal with while we were busy chasing down suspects."
"Now the case is over there's no excuse not to deal with those things," Al concurred, "bound to be tough on him."
"So how can we help?" Antonio demanded impatiently, he was tired of sitting on the sidelines as his friend struggled.
"Don't think there's much we can for now," Hank confessed unwillingly, "he obviously wants space so we give it to him.    He knows we're here if he needs us."
"Hell!" Adam slammed a fist on his desk in frustration, none of them were good at doing nothing.
"Let's just see how the next few days go.   Then we can regroup," Hank directed as he headed back into his office unhappily.

For his part Jay knew nothing about the consternation he was causing his friends.   After leaving work he had decided to go to Mollys and chose a seat at the back as usual, close to the kitchen where he could make a quick getaway if he wanted.   He needed to be somewhere familiar and safe but wanted to be by himself.   Still nursing the green bottled beer Herrmann had dropped over to him thirty minutes ago he pondered his present mood and could not understand it.    Franklin was behind bars and he knew now why so many things had happened and yet there was no great feeling of resolution to signal an end to this chapter in his life.   Absently rubbing his healing hip as he moved unwisely on his stool the young man shook his head and thought back over the attack outside Med which seemed to trigger a catalogue of events.  He thought of all those who had willingly put themselves out to help him. He still couldn't get over that.   Will, Conor and Ethan had gone into witness protection all because of him.  They had never complained about it just simply done it.  He thought of his old Ranger friends and of James and Diego Ortego all helping him willingly.    Didn't they know he wasn't worth it?   He was never going to be able to repay them that much he knew.   Then his thoughts turned to the Unit.   Those men had become brothers to him and that was something else he couldn't understand.  They had learnt of his dark secrets, well some anyway, and yet they stood by him as if it was the most natural thing in the world.  It didn't make sense.   He took a sip of beer and closed his eyes.

Herrman had been watching the young Detective unobtrusively  since he delivered the beer and didn't like what he was seeing.  To say the man looked as if he carried the weight of the world on his shoulders would be a gross understatement.  Knowing that the Detective was looking for some time alone he had not ventured toward the back table after serving his friend.   Sighing he looked up as Kelly and Matt arrived at the counter.

"You don't usually look so serious," Kelly observed as he followed the older mans' gaze to the back table, "he been here long?"
"About half an hour.   Think he wanted to be somewhere familiar without any distractions."
"Done that a time or two myself," Matt acknowledged honestly, "looks like he has some serious things on his mind."
"Yeah," Kelly agreed as he accepted a beer and sat down after shedding his black leather jacket, "guess he has."
"Well Voight said they had sorted out whoever was targeting him," Matt reminded, "that should be a load off his mind."
"He's been through a lot," Kelly put in thoughtfully knowing that the Firefighters only knew part of the story and what they knew was bad enough, "guess now the dust's settled he actually has time to deal with everything.  Can't be easy.   Ever since he was attacked outside the hospital things seem to have gone from bad to worse for him."
"Well he won't appreciate us discussing him so let's change the subject," Matt advised as he noted Cruz and Otis heading their way.
"If he wants to talk he knows we're here," Herrmann spoke softly before raising his voice in greeting to the two newcomers.

Jay had eyed the three Firefighters at the bar, sensing he was the subject of their conversation and ready to take off if anyone approached.  He shook his head.  They were his friends and he was thinking of evasive measures.  In fact since he got back to Chicago  pretty much all he did was avoid Will and his friends.  It hadn't been a thought out move on his part but it simply was how he reacted.  All the hurt and shame he had ignored for so long seemed to have settled like a cloak around him and he found it hard to face people.  Taking a sip of beer he wondered if he would ever regain his old confidence.   Such confidence had been hard won and born in a harsh childhood through the tolerance he had painfully forged but its' tangible absence at the moment was proving difficult to deal with.  He knew if he went on the way he was he would prove a liability to the Unit, it would only be a matter of time.   The past couple of days his thoughts had drifted more and more towards an unwelcome realization.  His job.  It had been an anchor for him throughout everything, a safety line to cling to to give him purpose.  Now he was considering giving up that anchor for fear of getting someone hurt when his head wasn't in the game.  Even the thought of walking away hurt on so many levels but he reminded himself he had been hurt before and survived.  He had become so engrossed in his thoughts that a voice close by startled him and he looked up to see Will and Conor looking at him with concern.  Their presence another indicator of how off he was, another reason to walk away.  His instincts were way off.  Now he just had to tell Voight ...

tbc

Authors' Note

Might be slightly longer gaps between chapters as Real Life complicated at moment.  Will publish new chapters asap.