Tolerance Book I (Chicago PD/Med FF) by Frances51163

Chapter One Hundred and Sixty-One: Struggling

It seemed to Jay that he was stuck in a never ending cycle of memories which assailed him mercilessly. Since his chat with Will other memories had come to the fore, ones he had pushed so far down he had never expected to have to deal with them again. Now he cursed himself for discussing his childhood with his brother. What was supposed to have been a step in the right direction had somehow veered him onto a path of more torment. Sam had phoned and enquired how things were going but Jay had brushed over his problems, unwilling to speak of the fresh nightmares he was reliving. He had cancelled the scheduled session after his babysitting stint, citing a sick stomach. If the Counsellor had doubts about his excuse for cancelling he had kept them to himself. Now Jay eyed the cell on his hand trying to find another reason to cancel the next appointment. His mind was not offering up any excuses and he tossed the phone onto the couch beside him in disgust. Maybe he just wouldn't turn up. No. That wouldn't be fair. Sighing Jay walked into the kitchen to make yet another coffee. His mug preparation was cancelled by a firm knock on the door. Damn! He really wasn't in the mood for company. He had just decided to ignore whoever it was when he heard the door being opened. What the hell?! Walking out into the living area he frowned upon seeing the intruder. Voight. What was he doing in his apartment and more importantly what was he doing with a key?

"Sarge you could have phoned if you needed to talk to me. How did you get a key?"
"Will leant me his," the Sergeant replied easily, "figured if I phoned you'd put me off visiting."
"You have no right to break in."
"I look on it as checking in on one of my men," the older man handed over the key, "could use a coffee."
"There's a coffee shop on the corner," Jay nodded towards the door in a not too subtle hint that he wanted to be alone.
"If I go you're coming with me," Voight stated confidently, assessing the younger man and not liking what he saw, "when was the last time you slept?"
"Sarge I already have Will mollycoddling me. Don't need anyone else."
"You want to tell me what's keeping you up at night?" Voight asked without preamble as he headed into the kitchen to make some coffee.
"Sarge I know you .....,"
"Halstead you look as if you're going to drop any minute. Something is keeping you from getting sleep and I want to know what it is."
"I'm fine ......,"
"You never were a good liar," the experienced Sergeant pointed out as he passed a steaming mug over to the younger man before heading back into the living room and sitting down on the couch, "you can't talk to Sam about whatever this is?"
"What did he say?"
"Nothing at all. I asked how things were and he said you had missed your last appointment. You can't talk to Will?"
"I did," Jay admitted in defeat as he sank down into an armchair, "it just brought up other stuff."
"Nightmares?" Voight queried leaning forward, resting his elbows on his knees after putting his mug aside.
"What?"
"Kid with all you've gone through it would be a miracle if you didn't have nightmares and I'm guessing that you talking to Sam is also bringing up things, things you'd rather not deal with. No wonder you don't want to sleep."
"Look Sarge ..........," Jay began to deny the other mans' intuition but was cut off.
"I've got the rest of the day off. You lie down for a few hours and ........,"
"Sarge .....,"
"You need to get some sleep before you collapse. I promise the first sign of a nightmare I'll wake you up."
"You can't ....... I can't ask you to .....," Jay could feel himself blushing in embarrassment.
"I offered," Voight rose to his feet purposefully and took his Detectives' mug, "this is between you and me. Just get some rest Kid. I promise you'll be safe."
"But .......,"
"Trust me Kid. You need this and I'm not doing anything so just lie down for a while."
"Okay Sarge," Jay stood and eyed his bedroom door before returning his gaze to the older man hesitantly, "you'll ......,"
"I give you my word," Voight assured, "first sign of a nightmare I'll wake you up."

Two hours later Jay had finally fallen into a deep sleep, exhaustion finally winning the battle. He hadn't really intended to let his guard down but his body had other ideas. The dream began as it always did ......

Ten year old Jay eyed the back door from where he stood in the yard. He had been standing there in the same spot for over an hour and he badly needed to use the toilet. That need was even over riding the pain from his newly broken ribs. His father had warned him not to move until he came back. Jay wasn't sure where the old man was. He might be in the living room watching television or he might be upstairs. The one bathroom in the house was upstairs. He knew he couldn't risk it. He also knew that his mother and Will would be back shortly so his father would have to let him in soon. Trying to think of something other than the pressure to release his bladder Jay thought of what he would do when he was older and bigger, when his father would not be able to hurt him. Those hopeful thoughts were suddenly shattered as a figure appeared before him. He hadn't even seen the old man coming out of the house. His shock caused his body to react and he felt the wet patch on his jeans. Forcing himself to remain still he looked at the big mans' smirking features and braced himself as a flat palm was pressed against his injured side, erasing all embarrassment and leaving red hot agony in its' wake.

Voight had meant what he said to his Detective and to that end he had been
checking on the young man in regular intervals. He had just been on the brink of leaving the bedroom after one such check when he noted a look of shame seem to overtake the pale features momentarily only to be replaced with a look of pain. The prone man stilled just as the concerned man was about to lay a hand on his shoulder to wake him up. Taking a step back Voight eyed the calm features and decided the nightmare had passed. He was about to leave when two words halted his steps.

"Kill me."

For a moment Voight thought he was imagining things as he eyed the slack features but Jay began to talk again.

"! don't care anymore! Just do it!"

Quickly returning to the bed the older man gently placed a hand on one exposed shoulder.

"Jay come on. Time to wake up."
"What?!" Jay suddenly opened his eyes as he tried to stop his heart pounding.
"You were having a bad dream," Voight explained gently as he looked at the young mans' ashen features, "I'm no Counsellor but I've been told I'm a good listener. Get dressed and I'll make you something to eat. Then you can decide whether or not you want to talk."

Jay watched the older mans' retreat to the living area on his self appointed task. Wiping sweat from his brow he shuddered as the remnants of the nightmare still lingered. Why was that day from so long ago now suddenly resurfacing? Will knew nothing about it and if Jay had his way he never would. The shaken Detective frowned as he realized the full import of the Sergeants' words. He had obviously said something in his sleep but what? Jay knew he could trust Voight and whatever he disclosed would remain forever between the pair but the very prospect of talking about the day in question struck a tangible fear in him. A fear he wasn't sure he could face.

Voight busied himself in the small kitchen making two cheese omelettes as he considered the words his subordinate had divulged. This whole thing with Halsteads' old man had struck a chord with him from the moment he found out his Detective had been abused. He felt a fathers' urge to protect but was unsure if Jay would appreciate such instincts. Neither man in general was vocal with their emotions and although he had assured the younger man from the outset of the depressing saga that he had his back he wasn't sure if he should reveal his paternal feelings towards him. Of course he had touched on the subject previously but as he served up the food he contemplated broaching the topic again. Sometimes family didn't share the same blood but shared the same heart and that meant sharing the bad times most of all for anyone would do for the good times. Hearing the bathroom door close he took out a six pack he had conveniently found in the fridge. Coffee was the last thing the young man needed and Voight was hoping the alcohol would help to put him at ease.

In the bathroom Jay rinsed his face with cold water and then eyed his reflection in the overhead mirror. Sunken features gazed back at him. With a sigh he shook his head. He couldn't avoid the older man forever, even if he wanted to. He'd convince him he was fine. Simple as that ......

tbc