live with yoongi feels like hell. not because the abusive or physichal content. just... he being so selfish. but its not his fault. this all pure mine.
i forced myself to move in with him, in his apartment and using his things. i forced him to be inside my life without asking what he was feel to me.
this night, he's not home again. been doing that every day makes me feels living alone. he sometimes home, but not for me. i am invisible to him. my appearance isnt worth. and im still lonely.
is he had another woman?
is he heading to another women's home?
was i too unworthy?
was i too selfish towards myself even its hurt?
was i... unloved?
i close the suitcase. the last carrier i have to close. and i look around, room full of boxes. smile a little, dont know was it happy or sad. just a grey smile. yeah... i choose to back off. i tend to move out. i need to give yoongi his life back.
isnt hard, truly.
he wouldnt know either.
would he even care? laugh at it.
this place is small, but warm. i seriously gonna miss this place. the room i not so often slept in because i sleep in yoongi's when he's not around. smell like him on the laundy, whiches on my clothes too. the couch i always slept on everytime watching tv. the water drop from shower every morning what makes me warm because i knew he's home. the floor, only things that makes me and yoongi feel close. that was just my opinion. and the table i used to put foods for him. we never eat together but i know yoongi eat what i cooked.
sighing, i stand up. reaching my bag and holding the suitcase.
"what are all these?"
i shocked. then turn around. its yoongi.
at first, i was happy to see him before leaving, but it feels like he is not. he is not happy.
i looked down. try to not care. "im moving out."
"what makes you want to move out?"
blankly stare, i realized something. i have reasons and must not afraid. even million reasons. "i have no rights to live here with you. i was so selfish and you're not even care. i do realized that im not belong here. not even with you. and i proudly gonna remove my life in you."
proud, huh?
for those things i said, it needed to be proud of.
"ridiculous."
proud, huh?
for the one word he said, im not proud of myself. im being laughed. poor.
"ok, thank you. im leaving, so excuse me."
"you're not leaving."
i stopped. not my will. because yoongi stopping me with his cold hand.
"you're not leaving this place. you're not be able to do that. you can come here whenever you want but i... im the one who allowed to let you leave. not without me. not even yourself. you're not gonna leave me."
"im not leaving you. i give your life back, min yoongi..."
"what is life when you're not here? do you think i can live when you're not around? or sleeping on my bed? how selfish you are to have thoughts like that."
"what is live when you're not even home? this place is hell! we're two but i always stand one. now tell me, who is selfish here?" i fight back, with teary eyes.
"i know this place is hell, so thats why i worked hard to take you out of here. day and night, working till my head hurts. i need money to buy you a better home. dont you think how hurt it is so seeing you live in this small places when you worth for the bestest?"
i shake my head. "no, yoongi, you're not love me. you werent in love with me ever since. stop saying bullshit!"
"if its not love, why would i let you interruped my alone life and invading my personal space? if its not love, i wouldnt be here with you..."
"the love you talked about, was not about us. it is you and only for you. the love i talked about is us. and the love i talked, never been here."
i pull my hand from his. start walking away. but once again, he pulled me. into his embrace.
"i always have people walk away from me, no matter how hard i tried to reach them. and when im building my wall, you came. breaking all the walls. yet, i keep try to fix it back. i thought people will never leave me again when my walls are built strong. sorry for letting you having this worse experience from me. now i realized, doesnt matter there is walls or not, i supposed to be alone...."
the embraces fading. yoongi walk into his room and close the door without saying anything. and i... feel empty.
a moment after, yoongi showed up. smile on his face. "let me help you carrying those boxes" he lift one, then turn to me. "have you call the move worker or you want me to drive you?"
i silent.
"yoongi..." my hand touch his. he look to me. "im not going anywhere..." i said.
"what are you saying? you can go wherever you want."
"yoongi, the only place i wanna go is you. and i dont think i could do that if im not here."
he put the box back then take my bag to throw away. he lead me to his room. open the drawer, yoongi grab a piece of paper. a picture. and he show me.
"this is my family. seven of us. on the left is seokjin hyung, older one. he is funny and his dad jokes arent. the beside him is jimin, the shortest one. but so kind. this one with red hair is taehyung, the rascal one. this is namjoon, brain of the family. our leader in everything. hoseok, the sun of family. brightest one. and jungkook, our maknae. even he's already 22, he still our baby. and you..."
yoongi lift my chin...
"...the only woman in my family. the only woman in my life. the only woman i love..."
... and we're kissed.
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tulisan paling mendadak dan tidak niat. sebenernya mo di translate ke indo, tp ku malas. bye my english.
