You're Not Alone

82: Long Nights

AMELIAS POV
Noah's lungs were underdeveloped. He needed a ventilator to breathe and stay alive. It broke my heart. I was laying in the hospital bed thinking of Owen. I missed him so much. I wanted him here. He needed to be here.
"Mama?" Kamryn asked.
"Yeah?" I said.
"Are you okay?" She asked, "you look sad, is Noah okay?"
"Noah's okay," I said, "I was thinking about daddy."
"Oh," she said, "I miss daddy."
"I miss daddy too," I said.
"He's going to be happy to see Noah when he comes back though," she said cutely.
"Yeah, he will be," I said.
"Where did Doctor Arizona take Noah to?" She asked.
"Up to the nicu, it's for babies," I said. I looked over and Ellie was asleep in her car seat in one of the chairs.
"Can we go visit him now?" She asked.
"Mama's really tired," I chuckled, my body was exhausted and still so sore.
"Tomorrow?" She asked.
"Yes we can go tomorrow," I said.
"Do I have to go to school tomorrow?" She asked.
"I don't know, it's only the second day, don't you want to see your friends?" I said. She shrugged.
"Did you like first grade?" I asked. She nodded.
"Yeah," she said, "but I want to stay here with you." I would definitely still be too tired and sore to even get up at 8am to get her to first grade, so I figured she could get out of it.
"You can stay here," I said.
"Really?" She said.
"Yeah," I said. I kissed her head and she snuggled into me. I rubbed her back until she eventually fell asleep. I grabbed my phone and looked at the picture that Meredith took of Noah and I after he was born. I went through my camera roll and saw all the photos I had with Owen and the girls. I miss him so much.
-
"Mama," Kamryn whispered.
"Hm? What?" I mumbled.
"We can go see Noah," she said, "Auntie Maggie just told me."
"Okay," I groaned, "give me a minute." I opened my eyes and Ellie was awake and next to me too.
"Did you bring Ellie over here?" I chuckled. Ellie was snuggled into Kamryn and it was so cute.
"No, Auntie Maggie did," Kamryn said.
"Okay," I said. I sat up and my legs ached, which honestly I'd be more surprised if they didn't.
"Can you grab my phone?" I asked Kamryn. She nodded and got up and handed me my phone.
"Thanks," I said. I opened my messages and texted Maggie.
"Can you bring me a wheelchair lol," I sent.
"Yeah, be there in 5," she sent.
"Thanks," I sent.
"Mommy!" Ellie said, "Kamwyn waid we go see baby!"
"Yup, we're going to go see your baby brother," I said.
"Can we hold him?" Kamryn asked.
"Um no," I said, "Noah was born really early, which means he didn't have all the time he needed to grow inside my tummy, so because of that he has super tiny baby lungs, so he needs a ventilator to help him breathe just until his lungs are strong enough for him to breathe on his own."
"Oh," Kamryn said, "he can't breathe by himself?"
"No," I said sadly. The door opened and it was Maggie.
"Awnt Maggie!" Ellie giggled.
"Hello Miss Ellie and Miss Kamryn," Maggie smiled, "are you guys excited to go see your baby brother?"
"Yes!" They smiled. Maggie helped me up and my legs were killing me.
"You good?" Maggie chuckled.
"The wheelchair will be very helpful," I laughed.
"I can only imagine," she said and helped me sit down.
"Mommy can I sit with you?" Ellie asked.
"Yeah," I said and picked her up and she sat down on my lap. Maggie pushed me upstairs while Kamryn walked next to us. We walked into the nicu and my heart broke seeing Noah on the vent. I could feel tears forming in my eyes. He was struggling. I never wanted any of my kids to struggle.
"Mommy? What on his mouf?" Ellie asked.
"It's helping him breathe," I explained.
"He wittle," Ellie said.
"Yeah," I said, "he's tiny."
"He's cute," Kamryn said.
"Yeah," I said, "he looks like daddy."
"He does look like daddy," kamryn smiled. Maggie left to give us time and I looked at Noah again. He was so tiny. I really hope he's going to be okay. He has to be. He's strong like Owen. He'll fight through.
-
I was still in the nicu. I spent all day here. I managed to get out of the wheelchair and was curled up onto one of the chairs there. The door opened and I looked up.
"Hey," Meredith said, "do you want to come over for dinner? The girls want to have time with their cousins."
"I'll stay here if that's okay," I said.
"Amelia, you need to eat something," she said and came in. She sat down next to me and I wiped my eyes.
"He'll be okay," she said, "Arizona has the best nicu team out there, he'll be okay."
"I miss Owen, I don't want to do any of this alone," I cried.
"You have me, and Maggie, and both of your and owen's moms," Meredith said, "and Arizona said Noah just needs a little help breathing and he should come off the vent soon."
"I know," I sniffled.
"Hey it's all going to be okay," Meredith said and hugged me.
"I don't want to leave Noah alone," I said.
"I know the girls want you to come to dinner," Meredith said, "we can come back after." I looked at Noah and then back at Mer.
"We'll come right back? I don't want him to be alone for too long," I said.
"We'll come right back," she promised, "can you walk?"
"Yeah, just a little sore," I said and got up, "bye buddy, mommy loves you."
"Your mommy will be right back," Meredith said, "right?"
"Right," I said.
-
It was such a long night. I was eating dinner and I just wanted to be at the hospital. I wanted Owen. I wanted to be with him. I wanted to hold my baby boy in my arms. I wanted the girls to be able to hold their baby brother. None of this was supposed to happen like this.
"Amelia you've barely eaten," Maggie pointed out.
"Mommy uo have to eat," Ellie said cutely.
"I am don't worry baby," I said.
"Amelia," Maggie said.
"Can we go back to the hospital? It's been like an hour that he's been alone, what if he thinks I abandoned him? What if something's wrong?" I said.
"Arizona would call you if there was something wrong," Meredith reassured. The kids went upstairs to go play with their cousins after dinner. I was so worried about Noah. I helped my sisters clean up dinner and I walked upstairs.
"Mama!" Kamryn smiled.
"Hi baby," I smiled.
"Are we going to see Noah tonight?" Kamryn asked.
"Do you want to come back to the hospital with me?" I asked. She nodded.
"Okay," I said, "we'll go back." I thanked Mer and Maggie for dinner and then the three of us went back to the hospital. I held Ellie close to me as she was starting to become very sleepy. Arizona opened the door for us and I feared that she had bad news.
"Is he okay?" I asked.
"He's okay," she said, "everything's the same, the vent is working."
"That's good," I said.
"Yup," she said. I sat down with the girls and watched Noah. I looked over at my two sleepy girls and had no idea how I would do any of this if Owen didn't come back.