YOU & ME | JENLISA

Chapter 45

Lisa

Her composure loosened, I made the smile she wore constantly fall and her eyes lost some of their sparkle. Instant guilt crashed into my chest, trying to break through my rib cage and get to my heart.

"I didn't mean that, I'm sorry." I told her a lie. Her perfectly arched brow furrowed causing worry lines to form between her eyes. Fuck it, there's no point in sugar coating my shit.

Girls are crazy, and sometimes they can just turn on you when things don't go their way. I don't trust them as a species, not just Jennie. But the way she's so fearless around me, puts me on edge even more so, she's probably the only female species that I want to trust the most but in actual fact, I trust her the least. I put my hand to my face and pinched the bridge of my nose. "You know what? Maybe I do mean it!" I snapped, letting the irritation of my drug withdrawal raise to the surface.

I was mad about Nancy but I was about to take it out on Jennie and there's absolutely nothing I could do to stop myself, except take cocaine. She watched me in silence, her naturally ruby-red lips parted a few millimetres and she breathed calmly, just listening.

"I don't trust you, you're all fucking crazy little psychopath bitches and you all ruin my life. I'm done, I'm so mega fucking done with girls, it's unreal. I don't want to see another one ever again. I don't want to hear them or smell them. I'm fucking done!"

She stood up from the sofa, her brown eyes softened on me and she started to move closer to me but when I rapidly raised my hands to stop her from coming any closer, her footsteps halted.

"It's hot. Why is it so fucking hot in here?" I fanned the material of my grey T-shirt away from my skin, I was sweating a lot. My T-shirt was practically soaked and I could smell my anti-perspirant working.

Jennie didn't move, not even a muscle. She barely even breathed. I got mad, I shouted at her. I acted like a psycho asshole and now she's probably frightened. It's the drugs, or lack thereof. I can feel the anger rushing around my body, fighting to get out and it was winning. I needed cocaine.

"Fuck this, I'm leaving. I'm not putting myself in this position again, not with you. I'm only delaying the inevitable anyway, right?"

"Lisa, please. You can shout at me, it's okay. I understand. Just don't leave."

My tongue slipped over the dent in my lip and I exhaled deeply. It's not okay for me to shout at her, she hasn't done anything wrong. It's me, I'm the problem.

"Thanks for trying Jennie but I'm not strong enough." I turned for the door but before I could open it I felt her dainty hand grab my arm. I froze on the spot and my eyes sharpened on her hand for a few seconds before I shoved her off.

"See! This what I mean! No concept for my boundaries. No concept for my personal space. Touching me, standing too close, being alone with me." I balled my fists into my palms and clenched down on my jaw, trying to release some of my frustration. "You're so fucking stupid! You don't listen!"

"Lisa, you're right. I'm sorry." She took a step back. "What do you need from me?"

What did I need from her? Space.

And at the same time, not space.

I sucked in a bated breath and closed my eyes. The sad reality is, I just needed Jennie to be aware of the truth. I needed her to be wary of me just like everyone else is and keep the fuck away. I needed her to understand why I'm like this, why I'm scared to death of another false accusation. It would only strengthen Nancy's claim.

"I need you to know what they're possibly charging me with in a few months." I spoke calmly now, quietly, ashamed of this part of my life.

"I already know." She whispered.

"Rape charges, Jennie. Fucking rape charges! You should be scared of me like everybody else, they keep their distance from me. They don't touch me and you'd never catch anyone of them alone with me."

"I'm not frightened of you, Lisa."

"I know and that fucking terrifies me because when we're alone, like this with no witnesses, the truth can get lost."

Her brows furrowed, she was trying to understand what I was trying to say. I was trying to tell her that I didn't do it. But do you know how embarrassing that is? Defending yourself to everyone and in return they look at you in that way. Like they don't believe you but they're not brave enough to tell you that. I can't see that look on Jennie's face, it would break me.

Eventually she uttered "I would never accuse you of something that you didn't do. You can trust me, Lisa. You can relax with me, you're safe with me."

"I wish I could but I can't." I stepped back, putting some distance between us. I needed to tell her, just get it out there. "I didn't fucking touch her Jennie and now I might spend crucial years of my life behind bars. I can't open myself up to that again, I shouldn't be alone with you right now and I don't want you standing too close to me or touching me. I don't want anything misconstrued between us."