YOU & ME | JENLISA

Chapter 50

Lisa

"How long has she been like this?"

I ran alongside my mom as the doctors and nurses carted her up the corridor on a metal framed trolley bed in a hurry. She lost consciousness in the ambulance, but I think she was delirious for a while before that. Her lips had a purple hue now and her oxygen stats had dropped to dangerous levels.

"Uh... I don't know, maybe for half an hour?"

"And she has a terminal lung condition? When was she last X-rayed?" The nurse asked, turning a corner sharply and moving up a second corridor.

"I don't... I don't know." I admitted, feeling completely useless. The nurse looked at me with sharp eyes, they lacked compassion and were small like a snake's. She made me feel like shit, like I wasn't doing enough for my mom. Maybe I wasn't. Maybe she should've had extra X-rays and more medication. I should've forgone the cocaine and paid more money into her health. I'm so fucking selfish.

"Did you bring her drugs with her? What is she taking and how often?" Our footsteps moved to the rhythm of the trolley cart wheels. It sounded like a high-speed train pummelling down the track, taking me to a destination I never wanted to go.

"She's on oxygen tanks permanently, pirfenidone three times a day and nintedanib twice a day. She takes regular pain medication as well."

"When was her last dosage?"

"Uh... I don't know."

Fuck! Why did I spend my morning jacking off instead of sitting with my mom? I planned on going straight to school from Jennie's but she turned me on and I needed to get it out of my system. Things could've gone so differently if I didn't decide to cut those first few classes.

"Did she feel unwell before she lost consciousness?"

"I don't know!" I snapped, getting pissed off with the questions I couldn't answer.

"I'm sorry, you can't go beyond these doors. There's a waiting room up ahead, the doctor will be out to speak with you shortly."

The double doors slammed closed in my face, the train wheels becoming a distant noise. I watched my mom disappearing through the window and a voice deep within told me it was the last time I was ever going to see her alive.

I sat down on the rough waiting room chairs, the material was torn beneath my jeans and I picked at the foam underneath. The chronic under-funding of our local hospital was evident throughout the waiting room. Patients lay crammed on trolleys, waiting for a room. Doctors run ragged, over worked and underpaid. Nurses forced into doing the doctors' jobs on poorer salaries. Relatives strained and stressed but supporting one another though a time of crisis.

I tilt my head back and rubbed my face with my hands. I had a clump of tears behind my eyes which I coerced into staying inside, I couldn't cry. Not here.

I sat for hours, alone. Several times I pulled out my phone and scrolled through my contacts, looking to call someone for a shoulder to cry on or a companion to talk to while I waited. But who could I call? Bryan? He didn't care. Bambam? We're not really at that level of friendship. Sam? Fuck, I needed drugs now more than ever.

The lights were abrasive, naked fluorescent white tubes running along the polystyrene ceiling tiles, bright enough to kick start a migraine. I rubbed my temples in circles and closed my eyes.

"Excuse me, Ms. Manoban." my eyelids shot open and curiously I eyed up a doctor in a white coat, ballpoint pens poked out of his pocket along with a round, silver watch pin. "Your mom is awake now, and she's asking for you." He smiled softly, crinkling up the aged skin around his eyes.

Tears flooded out of me, enough to fill an ocean. I wiped the snot from my nose and pushed away the salty tears. It was relief and worry and fear and happiness and dread and everything rolled into one moment. The doctor clasped his hand around my shoulder and gave it a light squeeze.

"Would you like me to give you a moment?" He asked gently.

"No, I just want to see my mom." He nodded and handed his clipboard to a receptionist. I followed him down the clinical corridor, everything sparkling white and stainless steel. He took me to a ward, a room with eight bed bays in. We couldn't afford a private room. Elderly ladies watched me as I walked to the far bed and pulled back the curtain on my mom. She sat up, propped by pillows. Her cheeks had some colour now, though still pale. A transparent tube stuck out of her nose and a hiss of air could be heard over the steady heart monitor beep.

"Oh Lisa..." she exclaimed sadly, while holding her arms out. I climbed onto her bed and lay beside her, cradled in her arms. "You're upset. I'm sorry that I scared you." She still struggled to talk, it was like one of her worst days. Breathless and wheezy, coughing and spluttering. I cuddled her tighter, never wanting to let go. I wasn't ready to let go of my mom.

"You didn't come home last night." I lifted my head off her chest and looked into her dull eyes. They shined with a certain happiness, one that I haven't seen in her face for a while.

"I'm so sorry mom, I... uh... stayed with a friend last night. I won't do that again."

I left home after my mom had fallen asleep, I'm not sure how she even knew I wasn't there but I guess mothers always just know.

"Nonsense, I love that you stayed out with someone. You need to live your life, Lisa. I don't want you to be alone. Did you stay with a girlfriend?" She inquired suspiciously.

"Just a friend, mom."

"Who is a girl?" I laughed.

"Yes mom, just a friend, who also happens to be a girl."

My mom's smile grew and she pulled me tighter, clearly satisfied with my answer.