YOU & ME | JENLISA

Chapter 77

Lisa

I was falling in love with this girl.

Hard, fast, unrequited falling and I didn't have a parachute. My stomach always got an unexpected warmth whenever I was around her, like how it feels to ride a roller-coaster as it takes a sudden dip. The pit of your belly sort of somersaults and for a few moments, it makes you feel lightheaded.

But this was different. It was bigger, scarier and more powerful.

Watching her interact with my mom, making her smile and showing her the caring nature I always knew Jennie had was making me forget how to breathe. It had swollen my heart to double its size and now I was filled to the brim with raw emotion and passion for this magnificent girl. My feelings had surged and I wasn't sure how or when it happened but she was there, making my heart pump.

My mom laughed, actually laughed. It was minimal and chesty but it was genuine. Jennie had washed mom's hair and blow dried it and I had never seen my mom looking more like herself in such a long time. They told jokes together, mostly at my expense but I didn't care, not one bit.

Jennie gave me acrobats in the belly, she had my pulse racing and my words escaping. I loved her. I loved everything about her, how did I not see it before? The way her nose crinkled up whenever she laughed, the warmth in her eyes like the heat from a hearth on a cold winters morning, the goodness in her heart. I wanted to protect her from every bad thing forever, I wanted to show her my love and support in everything that she dreams.

"Jennie?"

Mom and Jennie looked up to meet my eye contact. I licked over the dent in my bottom lip and took a deep breath. "I've got to go to work soon, I think we should let my mom get some rest before I go."

"O... okay." She got off the bed and moved the copious amounts of chocolate on to the side table. "Call us if you need anything." She said to my mom before following me out of the room.

I took her to my bedroom again, it was safer in there. Less of Bryan's mess and drugs. I hit record on the audio tape recorder and she sat down on my bed and waited for me to address the elephant in the room. The big, brown, paper elephant.

"I don't have much time." I admitted. "But if you want to go through my file now, we could?" Those acrobatics turned into nauseating waves of nerves. How poetic, at the point that I realise I'm head over heels in love with this girl, is also the point I lose her. But there's also no point in hiding who I am, especially if I love her.

She rummaged through the brown purse hanging from a strap across her chest and then slowly lifted her to face mine, empty handed.

"It's not here."

Panic seeped through my pores and attacked every nerve ending in my body. A cold chill ran down my spine and a ball of anxiety blocked off my windpipe.

"What you mean it's not here!?" I shouted, probably a little too aggressively. I pounced towards her and grabbed her bag, pulling it towards me although it was still attached to her body. I opened it wide and set my eyes on the brown folder. Jennie burst out laughing and I shot her a scornful look. "You're messed up." I tapped her with the folder and sat down next to her, opening up the first page.

It was Bryan's mug shots and finger prints, not the aged version he is today but a version fourteen years younger. Jennie cast her eyes over the pictures on the page but didn't linger on anything in particular long enough to be reading anything.

"So I was three here, found abandoned at the gas station in the middle of the night. Bryan took me on one of his late night drug runs and forgot about me, I guess." I flipped over the page to see baby pictures of myself, all bruised and shit. Her eyes softened and her lips parted, letting out little sad exhales.

"Do you remember this happening?"

"What? Getting beaten or getting left behind?"

"Both."

"Not this particular occasion. I mean, I guess I remember getting taken in by the cops. I was always taught cops were bad people and I always witnessed them arresting my mom and dad, so I believed it. But I remember this particular night, it was so cold. The sheriff let me wear his hat and jacket. I remember playing pretend with his hand cuffs."

"So you don't remember getting beaten?"

"No Jennie, I got beaten up on a daily basis. One doesn't stand out from the other." I flipped over a few more pages, it was just more childhood dealings with the police department and CPS. Jennie's dad had pulled up every record with my name that involved the police.

Medical reports, statements, domestic violence calls from when Bryan beat my mom to a pulp. The times the school had called for a wellness check based on neglect. Everything. My whole damn horrible life.