YOU & ME | JENLISA

Chapter 106

Jennie

"But I always do it with a condom and we haven't talked about everything." She seemed nervous, maybe even a little scared. This was good. If she said no, I didn't have to. I didn't have to explain to her why I didn't want to do it. I didn't have to delve into my trauma and why I was starting to feel scared about committing my body to her.

"You're so in your own head. Don't you want to do it?" I asked.

"No, fuck I want to do it. This just isn't how I go about it usually. But fuck it, I'll overthink it later."

Oh shit.

She continued kissing me, but there was a little less need from me now, a little less passion. She flipped us over, taking me by surprise and pushed her heavy weight down on me. Lowering me deeper into the mattress. My throat constricted, she was cutting off the airways to my mouth with her kisses. Her hand was skimming down my body and it was getting ready to dip inside my panty waistband.

Rapidly, I turned my head away from her mouth and she pulled back to look at me, only seeing my left cheek.

"Jennie?" She asked.

"Get off!" I pushed into her and she started climbing off me but not quick enough. "Get the fuck off me!" I kicked her, while thrashing my legs all over the place to keep her at bay.

"Jennie, what the fuck!?" She shouted.

"Don't fucking touch me!" I was crazy, I knew that I was crazy. She knew I was crazy. Fuck.

I wanted to cry and dance and just get these thoughts and feelings out of my mind. She stood back, next to her safety blanket but I was too absorbed in my own darkness to know if she pressed record.

"Jennie?" She tried again, softer this time. No longer angry but confused. She didn't understand, why would she?

"I hate you for doing that to me!" I said viciously and then made a break for it to the bathroom just so I didn't have a full blown panic attack right in front of her. This time, it was my turn to shake. I slipped down on to the floor, with my bare back resting against the cold bathroom tiles and I sobbed hard into my own hands. I thought I was okay but I was far from being okay. I'm so embarrassed.

I stood up and fixed myself a glass of water but my hand was trembling too much and I accidentally dropped it, shattering the pieces right by feet.

"Jennie!" Lisa shouted, while bursting through the door. Her footsteps halted and she inhaled at the sorry-looking sight of me. All puffy-eyed, tear stained, and terrified. "Oh Jennie." She grabbed me and pulled me into her chest. Caressing my hair softly. I listened to her heartbeat, it was steady and comforting. Her smell was soothing, of her body gel and with her holding me up, I realised just how exhausted I truly was.

Mentally. Physically. Emotionally. Exhausted.

"Come on, it's okay." She held my hand and guided me out of the bathroom. "Watch your feet." She warned as I avoided the glass. She lay me down on the bed and tucked the blanket over me, I faced away from her. Too ashamed to look at her. "Do you want to sleep alone?" She asked.

I turned rapidly, she was wary of me. I don't blame her. Maybe she didn't want to sleep with me. I don't blame her on that either. But I really wanted her to hold me and comfort me. Was it selfish to ask her to?

"No." I said, with worry drowning me.

She swallowed, "Okay." She replied softly. She glanced at the tape recorder, which wasn't recording us and then climbed into bed. I grabbed her arms and wrapped myself up in them. She stiffened but she didn't utter the word 'boundaries.'

"I know this makes no sense to you Lisa, but here, wrapped up in your arms, I've never felt safer."

She looked at me differently now, seeing something she didn't see before. My weakness. My vulnerability. My truth.