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Fall of Dragonesia [Danielle]

Book: Fall of Dragonesia  by _abhipreeti_
[preface, part 1: chapters 1-15, part 2: chapters 16-30, part 3: 31-35]
Reviewer: Dark_Ghostie

Cover: 4/5
I absolutely love the cover. The title is artistically designed and the colour scheme is beautiful. It gives off a mysterious vibe that attracts readers to click into your story. However, it would be better is the blue stood out a little more to make the words easier to read.

Title: 5/5
Your title is really interesting. It gives the impression of conflict and war and ‘Dragonesia’ is a word that I’ve never heard of before which piques interest into the story. It’s simple yet unique and memorable.

Blurb: 3/5
The blurb is just nice and gives an interesting summary of the plot. However, there are quite a few errors.
In the fourth paragraph, you used the words ‘vicious, cruel, monstrous’ to describe the Dragonesians. ‘Vicious’, ‘cruel’ and ‘monstrous’ have more or less the same meanings so I would recommend just choosing one of them.
In the fifth paragraph, ‘eighteen years old human’ should be ‘eighteen year old’ as it is before a noun.
In the sixth paragraph, ‘claims to despise the member of his own species’ should be ‘members of his own species’ because there is more than one Dragonesian around. Unless you’re trying to say that he only despises one of the Dragonesians then ‘the’ should be ‘a’.
Other than that, your blurb is quite good! The mentions of your awards also helps to attract readers as if your story won multiple awards, it has to be good, right? I would recommend placing the listings of the awards at the bottom though. Then the main blurb would be the star of the show and readers won’t be distracted by the award placings that the story has won before, but you can keep the 3x featured at the top.

Mechanics: 14/20
I’ve pointed out the minor errors out in the comments section using my alternate account.
In chapter 2, the sentence ‘Her back hit the hard wall, and what seemed like, she might have a swelled shoulder the next day.’ doesn’t really make sense at first and I only kind of got the meaning after rereading it multiple times. I believe you mean something like ‘Her back hit the hard wall, and it seemed like she might have a swollen shoulder the next day.’?
Chapter 3, in the sentence ‘However, hearing about Eluscan’s bad health was enough to make Alana’s day.’, the word ‘However’ isn’t the right connector to use in this context. ‘However’ is often used to mark a contradicting clause, like the word ‘but’. For your paragraph, it is hard to find another connector to replace ‘however’ so I would suggest rearranging the paragraph or removing the connector altogether.
And do take note that if using ‘however’ in the middle of a sentence, it should be punctuated with a comma before and after the word. When used at the start of a sentence, it should also have a comma after it.
You have a tendency to have a lot of run off sentences. Some examples are the repercussions of committing during their training in chapter 2, the three boys’ punishments in chapter 3.
I’ve also noticed that you like to use a lot of commas. Just take note of their placements and that somethings they are not needed. If you’re unsure of whether you’re using them correctly, try using editing services like grammarly or online spelling and grammar checks.
However, you’ve got good vocabulary. You use various words to illustrate what you are trying to convey better.

Plot: 20/20
The plot is original and interesting. Everything is clearly explained and there are no cases of info dumping which is a common problem in some stories. There are also no plot holes or inconsistencies so far.
I love the reference to COVID-19 and geography. The world was said to once be one mega continent before it split and now it joined back together which is an interesting twist. The naming of the different cultures and weapons were fascinating to read about.
The concept of Dragonesians was really interesting and the way they took over the world was ingenious. Your desctipions of them made it easier to understand why Alana hated them so much which moved the story on.
However, do take note of the errors mentioned under mechanics.

Flow: 8/10
All the chapters flowed well overall. However, the jumps between characters’ POVs can be confusing at times. For instance, one chapter can be about Alana while the other chapter in Cynthias POV. I would suggest maybe marking it clearly who’s POV it is.

Hook: 9/10
The story was definitely interesting and had a great hook. I was constantly itching to read more, but had to control myself. Good job!
However, so far, the pace is a little slow. In the blurb, it talks about a resistance. It is chapter 35 already, but there hasn’t been any real appearance or talk about one. But this is only my opinion.

Character development: 18/20
I love how your characters were developed. They were realistic and as the story progressed, more and more layers were uncovered and bonds formed.
At first, Alana was a cold-hearted, rebellious girl. She was nothing short of brave, but she was cautious of who to trust and tend to keep things to herself. I really liked seeing her becoming more protective of her friends, even going as far as to save Leon and look out for him even though she hates Dragonesians.
For Cynthia and Cora, I love how they really care for each other. They were willing to risk their lives for each other and formed some heartwarming relationships with the rest of the group.
I like the backstory of Lena and Lucien. They grew up together and were like siblings. They stuck by each other through hardships and trials. And I got to see how the past has shaped their present characters.
And Leon is another unique character. He is a Dragonesian, yet not one at the same time. He is different from the rest of his supposed kind and has morals. I love how he looks out for the rest, especially Alana.
However, I feel like at this moment, all their characters are more on the perfect side. If you could add in a little more flaws, it would make the story more realistic and allow more growth for the character. Maybe have them make a rash decision or something, then show how they handle it, their reactions and all. This is one way to test their characters.

Overall enjoyment: 5/5
I really enjoyed your story. It is engaging and kept me wanting to read more.

Total: 86/100
I really loved your story. You’ve got an amazing idea and wonderful writing skills, but the many grammatical errors can affect readers’ experiences while reading and may discourage them to continue. Other than that, keep up the good work and I look forward to reading what else is install for Alana and her friends.

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