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His Avacado [Alba]

Book: His Avocado
Author: _authoranuu__
Reviewer: oraclesighter
Chapters read: 32

The first few chapters, especially the first one, starts off with too much telling, too much info dumping. It’s not as creative as it could be. The readers won’t be too invested since you’re spoon feeding them every single detail of your world and characters without giving your readers a chance to find out on their own. You need to make it more interactive and engaging, find other ways to make us understand the characters and who they are without straight up telling us.

Try to remain a bit more “mysterious” about your characters and their backstories. That should be independent enough to be able to unravel throughout the story naturally. 

I see you’ve already got an established scene with lots of interesting actions occurring. Arohi is at an event in Italy where paparazzi are taking pictures and, as you mentioned in the paragraph, is a widely known public figure in the business industry. 

The issue here is that it’s already obvious enough that she’s a well-known person due to the paparazzi snapping pics of her.

Instead of starting off with your first chapter explaining how famous everybody is, and just in general who they are, I’d like you to show us what makes them so famous. How can we know, without an explanation or backstory, that they are so respected and well known? How can you show us that? 

This is called “show don’t tell.” I wager you must have heard that term somewhere before, but I’d recommend you really dig deeper into it and find ways to weave it into your writing. 

Now, there are numerous ways you can show that Arohi and Mr. Armando are well known. Just like the example you put, you can show that through paparazzi taking pictures of them, and have them ask a bunch of questions to her. You nailed that part on showing us how she’s famous. However, I really think you need to omit the part where you explain how and why she’s famous. It’s not necessary. We can find that out for ourselves as the story progresses.

You also introduce way too early the fact of her father having passed away and Arohi having built an empire at just 21. As I said, show don’t tell. 

Have a paparazzi ask her “how does it feel to have built an entire empire just by 21?” or “how does it feel to be the youngest and most successful female CEO?” 

Something along those lines. This is a scene where we, as readers, can understand ourselves that Arohi is somebody important and that she’s in quite a high position. And moving back to the death of the father, I think you should introduce that a bit later on in the story. Not necessarily ten chapters later, but perhaps one or two chapters later. It’s quite a touchy topic and seems to make the scene a bit more emotional when you mention her thoughts about him and what he left behind.

An example I could give you on how to introduce him to the story is to have Arohi be in her office or something, maybe at her house, I don’t know, and then see a picture of her father that she either has on her phone or desk. THEN you can tell the audience who he was and how she felt toward him. 

But that’s just my suggestion. There are lots of other ways you can show their dynamic, perhaps in an even better way than I suggested. But then again, I urge you to do your research on “show don’t tell.” 

There are numerous videos you can find on YouTube, as well as articles on Google that provide very useful insight about it.

Other than that, you perfected the setting in which you started your story. It was at the perfect place, perfect scene to show the readers the general vibe of the story and also the theme. It suits the characters well and overall gives us a clear understanding of what we can expect for the rest of the story.