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Deviant [Danielle]

Book: Deviant by Mikkula011
[prologue, chapter 1]
Reviewer: Dark_Ghostie

Cover: 4/5
The cover is simple and the fonts used are clear and readable. However, overall, it isn’t very eye-catching, but if you like then, of course, keep it!

Title: 3/5
The title has a lovely meaning, however, I don’t really know what connection it has to the plot so far.

Blurb: 3/5
There are a few grammar and capitalisation mistakes littered here and there. More of this will be discussed under mechanics.

For the second half of the blurb, there is also some weird spacings. I assume you were trying to centralise it on your desktop? Well, the blurb for the mobile and desktop versions are the same size, so if you want to centralise your blurb, I would recommend following the mobile sizing so it will reflect nicely across both versions.

Mechanics: 14/20
There are quite a few errors in your story so far. One major problem that I’ve noticed is irregular capitalisation. The first letter of every sentence should be capitalised, while words in the middle of a sentence shouldn’t unless it’s a proper noun like a place or a title.

And do take note of your punctuation as well. There are a few missing commas and such.

For the prologue, you can actually combine a few sentences into one paragraph. This makes your story feel more like a real story. For example, ‘Little did she know, she managed to catch Leonardo’s cruel attention, something that nobody ever wants. And he is hell-bent on making her regret the words that came out of her mouth.’ something like this.

Another thing you can consider is splitting up some sentences. For example, Leonardo Augustine, a self-made billionaire at just 29. He was the king of the Italian mafia and filled with cruelty that caused even the most influential cower in fear.’

These two points also apply for chapter 1 and the blurb as well. And the second half of the blurb can actually have a greater effect if you wish to standardise the question stamp. For example, ‘Will the sassy bitch be able to escape from his trap? Or will he fall in love with her? Or will he kill her in the end?’ The impact is greater and piques readers’ interest more into what will happen.

I would recommend using tools like grammarly, Google docs and Microsoft Word to help you weed out your errors. Another tactic I would recommend is proofreading what you’ve written a few days later. When you read it again, it’ll be easier to spot plot holes and mistakes that you’ve never noticed before. Similarly, you can try reading aloud to someone or having someone else read it to also weed out errors.

Plot: 18/20
You’ve got a great plot with lots of promise. I believe the earlier you catch your mistakes and polish up a bit, you’ll have a wonderful story. This does not only apply to the two published chapters, but for the rest of the chapters as well.

Your writing improves from the blurb and prologue with lots of description and narrating. Do take note not to over describe, instead using a balance of showing and telling.

Flow: 
It is too early in the story to tell so I shall not include this portion

Hook: /10
Your story is quite interesting. Good job!

Character development:
It is too early in the story to tell so I shall not include this portion

Overall enjoyment: 5/5
Despite the errors, I quite enjoyed your story so far :)

Total: 57/70
I really like your story. You’ve got an amazing idea with lots of promise, but the many errors potentially turn readers away if not resolved. Other than that, keep up the good work! I look forward to reading what happened next :)