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Trapped [Alba]

Book: Trapped
Author: Violetrose3127
Reviewer: oraclesighter
Chapters read: 4

Title: 5/5
It suits the story incredibly well. It’s intriguing, attention-grabbing, compelling.

Cover: 5/5
Honestly, I love the cover so much. It radiates horror and gives us a hint on the plot as it’s about the protagonist feeling trapped her whole life. The font choice is perfect for the background image. It blends in and creates a gloomy atmosphere. Flawless cover.

Blurb: 5/10
The first two lines were perfect. They are guaranteed to hook any reader in, as it describes the main conflict of the story, a concept that has always been fascinating, to say the least.
However, after that, the interest died down for me. You could have taken the opportunity to use  better wording for the last section.

The line “What would be revealed as she unravels this mystery” can target a very broad amount of topics. It can basically be anything. It’s not as compelling as it could be.
I’d suggest being more specific, hint on what will happen (but not to the point where it’s a spoiler).

A suggestion for the last two lines would be to be more specific about that mystery, which is her mother.
Example: Olivia, a 21-year-old girl, is trapped in her house with her mom, who lives with her during the night but always leaves at dawn. Soon, she realizes that her mom is hiding something from her. What secrets will Olivia uncover as she digs deeper into this mystery?

Here, we’re given more context as to what that mystery might be and why we should keep reading. Otherwise, as I said before, we can imagine anything that’s got nothing to do with the actual plot. The reader could get a different idea and expect her to discover something way different from what she ended up discovering — which can lead to high expectations and disappointment at the end.
Be more specific!

Plot: 20/20
OH how I LOVE the plot! I’ve always been a fan of that creepy gothic vibe that your story carries, along with the dystopian thriller and victorian era type of feel. At least that’s what I imagined as I read your story.
I wouldn’t say it’s 100% original, as it’s been done many times in different stories where (SPOILERS)
the main character finds out she’s being tested on and it’s a whole experiment basically. However, I liked the twist you offered with making Earth deprived of any nature and not allowing Olivia to go out at all.
I was mostly intrigued about the mother, who kept leaving and then coming back. I wanted to find out more about her, including the world they lived in.

One thing that confused me though was right at the end, where Olivia woke up in the Hospital and, apparently, Jack was her husband…?
Was this, like, all a dream/fantasy? Was it all in her head, or did it actually happen? Or did Lisa somehow send Olivia to another reality where she was experimented on again, just in a different scenario?

Mechanics: 10/20
There were lots of incorrect uses of punctuation and missing commas. Including sentences that were structured confusingly and in need of periods.

I’d suggest using tools such as Hemingway Editor or Grammarly, as that can polish up your writing, including copyediting and grammatical errors. Although I did understand what was written, it needs improvement concerning grammar.

Hook: 10/10
Each chapter is full of hooks. Every single line is compelling and makes me want to read more. There are so many questions this story raises in me, questions that make me genuinely want to find out more about the characters and their world. This story has a lot of potential. I think it can go a long way if you’d turn it into a novel and polish up your grammar.

Word choice and author’s voice: 8/10
I think your voice as an author shines pretty bright between the lines. Your writing style is more straightforward, simple — not too focused on flowery words or expressions. I love it. And since it is a short story, I understand you chose not to use many idioms or creative expressions of describing things.

However, I encourage you to do so — although sparingly, just to add an occasional flare to your writing. Use a few hyperboles, metaphors, similes, anything that can make your description more vivid and engaging for the reader. It really adds a unique tone to your writing. Try it out for yourself and you’ll see the difference.

Another tip you should really consider is to use the senses when describing a sensation or an emotion the character is experiencing.

An example: When Olivia shatters the glass and it cuts her leg, she doesn’t care about it. But, I’d like you to mention how that cut feels, even if she’s ignoring it. Although you can choose to not react to pain, your body will never ignore it. That’s impossible.
Tell us how her leg went numb or how the cuts burned. Describe the sensation of warm blood trickling down her legs and staining the floor. Exaggerate a bit. Include any type of description that can immerse your reader to feel what the character is feeling and to really imagine the scene clearly.

I’d also like you to describe the surroundings a bit more — the mansion, in this case. Have her interact with her surroundings, mention the colors of the building, the style, the length of the rooms. Iis she a little dot amidst the huge parlors, or are they narrow and small with Olivia barely getting to take five steps until she reaches a wall?
Weave those small details throughout the story as you go, and don’t include them all in one whole chunk of description. Never stop the pacing of your story to describe something. I’d recommend you to always keep it short and simple with your descriptions, but also meaningful and with a clear purpose.
This’ll make it easier for the reader to imagine where the character is and makes it overall more interactive and engaging.

Characters and character development: 10/10
Overall, the characters were believable. Olivia is a very interesting girl with an immensely intriguing backstory, as she’d lived her whole life stuck inside a mansion.

And although she doesn’t seem to have much personality, it’s understandable and realistic since she’d never gotten to interact with other people her age, or anyone at all other than her mother.
But I think the most intriguing character of all was Lisa. I loved the air of mystery she had to her as she came back and then left, how she gave me questions I was compelled to find the answer to. What was she hiding from Olivia and where was she going all the time?
They’re overall well-written and realistic.

Overall enjoyment: 10/10
It was a fun read, to say the least. Probably one of my favorite genres when it comes to books. I did enjoy the fact that it was short, but I do wish to see this turn into a bigger project. It has a very interesting plot with a lot of potential — that perhaps needs a bit of fixing here and there to make it more original and readable. However, other than that, it was a nice story.

Total: 83/100

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