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You said Forever and Always [Nika]

Book: You said Forever and Always
Author: lostlovefairy
Reviewer: Nikachu22
Chapters read: 10
Main Focus: Is the story enjoyable? Do the flashbacks make sense and tie in with the story or do they affect flow? Does the story make you root for Zayne and Naina? Is it easy to follow for some people outside the Indian culture?

Reading the first chapter, I’d say that you did well with describing Naina’s predicament. She has all of this going around her, common things that happen in a wedding and she’s just like a deer in headlights. The word usage, smooth transitions and the fact that you don’t use the actual name for things help heighten her state of mind.

‘A sudden flash of light startled me.’ Instead of leading the sentence with a camera flash startled me, you kept it within the range of her confusion, thus granting me a moment to take in her situation visually. I could picture a flash and then a teary-eyed woman looking for it, clearly distraught and lost. I knew what it was, but it was great that it wasn’t written in an all-knowing way. I’ve read where even confused characters, angry characters, and lost characters still know exactly what’s going on in a story/what’s around them when it shouldn’t be that way at all. In a moment of utter confusion, the mind goes blank and that should be harvested as you represented. I like that.

What could help others understand is giving us a brief description or rather a definition of some items that were used for the wedding. You wrote them in italics, but as a reader, I’m unable to picture these items because I do not know what they are.

Dupatta, lehenga, dori, choli, cardamom-- What are these? Help me visualize as a reader what these are. This will also teach us the items in Indian culture, so the next time we come across them, we will have learned what they are through your writing.

In chapter 3, there was a small, confusing moment when suddenly Zaina transitioned to a flashback of Advik. I think this should have been written clearly to show a smoother flow. In the previous paragraph, Naina says she promised herself she wouldn’t do that, so that makes me believe that she won’t, but then she suddenly does. I’d take out the part where she says she promised herself she wouldn’t and maybe lead with the example below:

"I can change into something else," I began, but he interrupted me with a smile. As he stepped closer, I looked into his eyes. They held traces of laughter, yet I couldn't discern anything more. His micro-expressions were a mystery compared to Advik's. I inhaled deeply.

Zayne's touch on my face momentarily distracted me from my thoughts. My eyes, glossy, eventually dropped to my feet. My chest fluttered with a tension I couldn't dismiss, reacting instinctively to the presence of either man. My toenails, adorned with a clear polish from a pre-wedding pedicure, looked impeccable. I chose to concentrate on the hues, easing my features. Then, my gaze shifted to his feet, his nails also neatly trimmed. In a sense, we were matching. I wiggled my toes, creating warmth through friction, and Zayne's hand moved, his thumb pressing against the edge of my bittersweet smile. At a time when joy should have been effortless, my mind reverted to its old haunts. The memories that I've lived--

"Ah, Nia, my beautiful princess," Advik exclaimed, his eyes reflecting pure admiration. Clad in the sundress he had gifted me, with my makeup perfectly complementing it, I felt radiant. "Turn around, let me see you," he urged. His words, light and teasing, prompted a laugh from me, and I twirled, my heels sinking into the soft grass beneath. At that moment, I was the epitome of grace in his eyes, the sole focus of his attention, and a wave of euphoria washed over me. The playful frills of my blue dress clung to my figure boldly, while the puffed short sleeves framed my slender shoulders and arms, adding a touch of whimsy. Striking a pose for Advik, I caught his deepening gaze, and the smile he gave me was one of sheer delight. That smile etched inside of my brain. "Gorgeous," he declared.

"Naina?" A voice not of Advik's calls my name. The images playing inside my mind abruptly came to fade black when the weight of my head lifted to focus on what was in front of me-- Zayne. He looked as if he had been saying something, but I didn't remember.

In Chapter Five, there is a lot of bouncing around from the past to the present. I think with a little wordplay, the transitions could be smoother. I think the story should introduce the flashbacks or maybe something Naina is doing that forces her mind into them instead of relying on the italics. By this, I mean for example as she's looking at the razor maybe mention how Advik told her how to shave him, then introduce the shaving scene only for Naina to use that scene as a means of becoming increasingly drawn to the item in a non-healthy way.

So somewhere maybe say Advik taught me how to shave correctly. It was my first time doing so and ever since then, I did well enough for him to ask again.

Then introduce the flashback.

After the flashback, now show Naina's weird obsession with the razor.

Once Zayne snatches it from her, she will be startled suddenly, a cold empty gaze his way before she croaks her protest, sighing.

This will further support Naina's mental rocking chair. How conscious/unknowingly she's doing these things. As the story goes on, we will get to see how she transitions slowly as the flashbacks continue.

There are small things you could incorporate to support the flashbacks and because you have so many, having that clear emotional pull before they happen will tell us the breakdown of them happening. I suspect these are memories playing out in her mind. Having them just randomly pop up without much leading into them won't seem as such. It would look more like Naina is just having these random visions that she is unable to let go of. What you want to do is support her mental anguish and then introduce the flashbacks. Thus, instead of these pop-up visions, you're getting Naina's raw mental health— which isn't the best.

The flow isn't messed up because the way you write allows the reading to go smoothly. It's just there are times when italics doesn't always mean a flashback is happening, so that leaves me trying to understand it.

Honestly, my opinion and this is just my opinion, but from what I've read, I root for Naina and Advik. She is really like... I don't want to say obsessed, but she's not over him, so it kind of looks like she is suffering tremendously to the point where she is being persuaded to be with Zayne. Zayne is a bad guy who stole her. I know this isn't true. It's a pull between her own free will and her willingness to go with Zayne. I think this is because of how much impact Advik seems to hold over her heart and how many flashbacks are happening as they are pretty regular. They are taking over her days. I know it's mentioned a few times that Advik isn't a good guy, but we don't get to see as a reader early on how he treats Naina. Her flashbacks seem to be mostly about a loving relationship and how Advik is kind of a sweetheart. This is from what I've read.

In the end, I think this is one of the best stories I've read thus far. The plot captures the mental struggle of what it's like being in love and then moving on too quickly, which I think in the end drives many insane. You are diving deep into that as if you're writing from experience. This shows the dynamics between women and men and how we operate and think. It's a naturalness. If you haven't experienced such a situation, you do well with having the knack of really diving deep and explaining it as if it was.

Thank you for allowing me to review your story. I know I took a hell of a long time to do so, but it is here. I think that with just a little tweaking when you're introducing flashbacks and some definitions/descriptions on what some of these items are and you're good.

Keep Writing Fairy!!

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