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17 (Draft) [Nika]

Book: 17 (Draft)
Author: JMKeira
Reviewer: Nikachu22
Chapters read: 5-10

Main focus: Story structure, world building, character structure, dialogue structure, enjoyment

Story:
Having read only the prologue, I found myself somewhat perplexed, yet it was a pleasant sort of bewilderment. The writing's unique style was a refreshing departure from the norm. However, despite its script-like brevity, the narrative falls short of conveying the necessary depth and structure for readers to fully immerse themselves and connect with the characters. The inclusion of the characters' expressive movements was appreciated, but as readers, we yearn for an emotional journey, particularly during events that impact the characters profoundly.

The camera angles can sometimes be confusing, as it's unclear if they enhance the story. Some angles are difficult to visualize. As readers unfamiliar with the story, viewing it from our perspective could aid your understanding of our experience. You are intimate with the story, characters, and angles, and what you write may seem vivid to you. Remember this as you write: we lack your knowledge. Therefore, you must convey the story with utmost clarity. If we cannot envision what you intend, the narrative suffers. This story demands strong visuals; we need to immerse ourselves in the narrative to follow along, akin to actors in a play.

The vocabulary used, or the lack thereof, seems to diminish the experience for us.

Regarding camera angles, constant movement isn't necessary. One moment, the camera focuses on a character's face, and the next, it switches instantly as another character moves. If this were in a movie or show, it would be quite a headache to follow and decipher the rapidly shifting images. I believe the frequent camera changes should be significantly reduced. It's better to concentrate on the important movements and the characters' facial expressions.

Ananis is in the nurse's office, and there are numerous camera movements. The camera should remain panned out to encompass the entire room, keeping all characters in focus. However, when the situation intensifies, a close-up shot of Ananis should be given and maintained until it's no longer necessary. The same applies to Aria. This technique will signal to readers that the narrative has zoomed in on him, allowing them to visualize his actions and reactions. While your writing captures the emotions and movements of every character, this level of detail isn't always required. Some characters in the chapters serve primarily to advance the main characters, particularly once the leads have been established.

Unless you have a cast of significant side characters who contribute as much to the story as the main characters, without being central, constant focus on them simply because they appear in a chapter is unnecessary. Characters who are rarely or never seen don't require much attention. Consider whether they advance the plot, if their removal would impede the story, or if they add to the experiences of the characters.
Regarding the random individuals in Chapter 5, I fail to see their relevance.

The nurse doesn't need extensive camera time; a few shots depicting all the characters should suffice. You could reduce camera movements by describing Ananis watching the nurse leave with scorn or worry on his face, depending on the emotion you wish to convey. This approach solves the camera angle issue and supports his character while eliminating unnecessary movement.

As I continued reading, I noticed chapter remakes within the author's notes. What exactly are these, and what's happening with the story? New characters are introduced, and I'm puzzled why these remakes/edits seem to be replacing the chapters without actually doing so. It feels like you've shared all your edits with us while maintaining the original story above. Could you provide an explanation for everything? I'm concerned I might be misunderstanding something or have missed a detail. It's quite perplexing.