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Dungeon [Dee]

Book: Dungeon
Author: Ablazeisaleo
Reviewer: DHBurnside
Chaptlers read: 3

Ideas – 4
Details and content – 4
Organization – 3
Introduction and closure – 4
Voice – 3 (because of occasional wall breaking)
Spelling – 4
Analysis – 3

Chapter One
The first chapter was good and engaging but I just feel it was missing something to really capture the audience's attention and wanting to read on. I think the ending was a little weak. It started captivating in the middle of a dramatic scene which was perfect, I know it was a dream, and then when Bryan awoke I loved the detail about him hating the authority, which really intrigued me. I think it was the last paragraph that was weak when it says – his whole life is about to take an unexpected turn. This is telling and not showing the reader. Maybe, let him get an actual text or phone call of something happening and start the story rather than tell me it's going to start.

The language used, for me personally, was a little heavy. I think it could be told a lot simply so you don’t ‘tire’ the reader out.

Chapter two
This chapter repeats the ending of chapter one but starts the story – possibly an opportunity to merge.

I was a little confused by the paragraph of the 17-year-old. I think this needs to be a little clearer, are you saying Bryan is 17? It wouldn’t make sense for him, an orphan, to be living alone yet. I’m sure an 18-year-old would be given benefits to live alone and a home, and then he could pursue a job. I got the impression he was a lot older. I think we need more of an explanation or a hint as to why a 17-year-old orphan would be able to live in an apartment alone.

You tell the reader 3 times he doesn’t get many phone calls I think once is enough.

I think the ending to chapter two is strong. And I would suggest that maybe you could merge 1 and two together.

Chapter three – unplanned encounter
The first line breaks the third wall between the writer and reader and for me personally, I found it jarring. This is a purely personal comment but I would consider whether experimental writing is something you are going for?

When he turns into a restless fighter I found it surprising to learn of it for the first time in chapter three. I think you could make him the aggressive confrontational type a little sooner like when he was on the way he could be preparing for it.

The sentence starting in ‘isn’t it ironic… uses the word ‘world’ twice. Avoid repetition. The same thing happens at the end of the paragraph with ‘they reached a dead end.’

The attacking man. You refer to him as ‘the man’ a lot throughout. I would suggest picking a distinct feature like – scar face or square jaw as an alternative, as there are two men fighting in the scene.

I thought ‘the man giggled’ seemed a little odd. I would use a different phrase like chuckled. It was disarming making him less scary.

The last line in italics I would assume is speech. To me, I would read that as an internal monologue because of the format. I would suggest to put this line into normal speech brackets.

Overall, this is a really interesting story that I enjoyed a lot. I was very tempted to read on. I did find the chapters to be too short and I would recommend making them a little longer – again, this is probably a personal preference. I would have liked more conversation throughout and more detail of surroundings, where he is, and his life. Using his senses more to really get a 3D visual of the character would be beneficial so we can really see him. I still find it very surprising that he’s supposed to be so young. I don’t think this is realistic without an explanation.

Great work!

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