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Pristine's Problem [Alba]

Book: Pristine's Problem
Author: sparklet11
Reviewer: oraclesighter
Chapters read: 2

The title along with the cover are both very attention grabbing. The cover is well made and aesthetically pleasing to look at, as well as attractive and would make me want to click on the story if I saw it on the homepage.

Moving onto the blurb, the first paragraph is incredibly intriguing. It has a strong hook that is guaranteed to reel readers in, as well as being a compelling and interesting storyline.

But when we get to the second paragraph about Avril, it sounds like a completely different story. They clash entirely. It doesn't sound like they're from the same world, nor from the same plot. The only thing that confirms that they are is because Andrei was mentioned. But it's very disorienting.

It made a bit more sense when I read the entire thing. But it was still not clear that both chapter 1 and chapter 2 belonged in the same storyline. They're too different.

In chapter 1, we get introduced to a world that seems more mundane, with a hint of magic because of the fortune telling/wish granting, sure. But in chapter 2, we've been sent to a completely different realm, with higher levels of magic, a whole family with superpowers that have their own stories to tell.

I'd suggest you make it clearer that Pristine is from the same world as them. Maybe mention Avril's name somewhere? Or give a description of Pristine's surroundings that make it obvious that they exist in the same world. But then again, these seem like two completely different storylines from each other.

And second of all, why does Avril have anything to do with the murder of Andrei? If it would be anyone, it should be Alan in this case. Since at the end of chapter 2, it's mentioned that he was the one who killed Andrei?

I also think that's very confusing to read as well, concerning plot. First, we get to see that Pristine killed Andrei - and now we have another character, Alan, who says he's killed him. And then the blurb has Avril saying he's also killed Andrei??? What is going on?!

It would have made more sense that Alan was a part of the murder because, as I remember, he could control minds. So he could have schemed up a whole plan about the wish lady and Pristine, etc - it would have made sense. But I think that's still not too clear. You have to mention that earlier on in the story, or at least hint at us that another person had something to do with Pristine murdering Andrei.

It also gets too confusing to understand the plot because you don't deliver enough context as to how all these characters relate to each other. How does Alan know Pristine and why does he want to kill Andrei?

And why is Avril even mentioned in the blurb? How is he incorporated in this?

I'd also like to shine light on the second chapter. I've read in your foreword that these are mainly inspired by prompts, but I'd also like to see how such different and unique prompts weave into a complete story and how they relate to each other. Cause I don't see it here.

In the second chapter, we're introduced to a big cast of characters who don't really contribute much to the plot. I truly do think that they're interesting and have a lot of potential, but they don't seem to have any purpose. Whether that purpose may be causing an impactful change on their world or for the rest of the characters, such as Pristine.

Yes, they are Arabella's family, but why are we getting to learn so much about them just now?

I'd also encourage you to do less telling and more showing instead. We get to learn a lot about Arabella's family, to the point where we know them better than the protagonist, Pristine.

Show action instead, we can learn more about the characters as we progress through the story. But if you want to give a description as to how a character is, I'd suggest you make it brief and simple. Maybe give one or two examples of a past situation they've been in that makes them who they are today, etc.

Otherwise, if you go on for too long, like for half a chapter just talking about who your characters are, it will bore your readers. Show who they are instead of telling us.

And in a way, I find myself more interested in Arabella's family because they've got more things going on in their lives than Pristine. And that gets me to wonder: why is she the main character in the first place? More emphasis has been put on the superhero family instead of her.

Other than that, I genuinely think these are very creative and interesting storylines that could make a great story - great novels, in fact. I found the idea of the wish grant going wrong to be incredibly suspenseful and appealing. It reels me in. I want to read more about this, find out what happens after Pristine realizes what she's done. The first chapter was very well written, to say the least.

But I'd suggest either writing different books for each prompt, or at least making it clearer that they live in the same world and how they relate to each other.

Concerning mechanics, you have a descriptive and engaging writing style. You manage to write vivid descriptions of characters' actions, entertaining dialogues, and have a few funny lines here and there.

One thing I'd encourage you to do is to incorporate the senses more into your writing, and try to describe the characters' looks and their surroundings.

Don't write a huge chunk of text describing how a street looked like, though. Describe it in one or two sentences, simple and straightforward. Yet, with vivid and clear descriptors that could possibly give the readers an idea of where the characters are. Have them interact with their surroundings, touch objects that are relevant to the location. Describe the smells and what the characters hear, etc. Go all in. Immerse your reader as much as possible. This is what makes a story unforgettable.

Overall, this story was very enjoyable for me - at least the first chapter.

It's an intriguing concept with various unique and creative ideas weaved into it, such as fortune telling, wish granting, romance, murder, etc. The only thing I wish to see improve is the plot concerning all these vastly different characters.

Unfortunately, I would have wanted to find out more about Pristine and what happened after the cliffhanger. I see this story is ongoing, however. So I'll be looking forward to your updates.

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