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His Puppet [Ash]

Book: His Puppet
Author: Violetrose3127
Reviewer: _Ash_es
Chapters read:

Cover: 4/5
That is a creepy but strangely beautiful cover and it matches the story perfectly. I can see the blend of thriller and romance on there and I like that.

Title and blurb: 8/10
Really unique title. I like the way the font and colour matches the tone of the story. The blurb was successfully creepy. And intriguing also. Written well with no grammatical mistakes. Though your punctuation had a problem. There was a space before every full stop. There shouldn't be. The second to last sentence was a question but it was missing a question mark. Also, I think you should space the whole paragraph out into maybe just two different ones.

Introduction: 10/20
The girl's story is really sad and emotional. It's great that she has someone that brings her happiness. It was a touching beginning. it was easy to read but I think you should perfect using drama form of writing or learn the prose method because you aren't getting the dialogue well. In the beginning, when you're mentioning the main characters, I suggest you space thee parts about them into single paragraphs beacuse it was confusing at first. The part where Alice was writing in her diary, using a quotation mark for the sentence she's writing would make it easier to comprehend. All the parts where you wrote (using sign language) won't be necessary if you just state there in the beginning that's she uses sign language. I didn't know because you said she was mute. You would have said ‘dumb’ instead and then there wouldn't even be need to say she uses sign language anymore. Finally, some sentences were awkward and you should work on them.

Mechanics: 5/10
Your grammar was good. Your paragraph spacing was also good. You didn't make any spelling errors and that's great. But the problem with your work is the punctuation. You're not supposed to put a space between the last letter before a full stop. The space only comes after. There are places where you needed to put quotation marks but you just left it so it was confusing till I had to read it again. You also omitted full stops at the end of some sentences. In the first paragraph in the prologue, the part where you were like: ‘they have been together for twelve years, five years of friendship, three years of dating and four years of marriage' would look better like ‘they have been together for twelve years, five as friends, three as lovers or something, finally got married and have been for four years.’  I guess. You know, I should bring this up again: choose the format you want. Drama or prose because in your dialogue, sometimes you use drama format and next line you use prose. You also don't need to add 'he said' after you use…like for example John: I like football, he said. There's no need for the 'he said'. Lastly, the same person or different people can be speaking in different quotations. It's confusing. Please work on all these things.

Plot: 4/5
It is a very interesting plot. Intense and full of gore. It was a really emotional horror. The evil games were creative and the death scene of the main girl's husband was horrifying. 

Originality: 8/10
This is actually a story that I've never seen before. I mean, I've seen romcoms, fantasy romance, but I haven't seen this before. It is a unique blend. Thrilling, I won't lie. And that characters are unique too.

Writing style: 12/20
Okay so, the writing style is pretty simple and there's nothing wrong with that. But there were some word choices and some sentences that I have somethings to say about. Some sentences were awkward and needs to be rephrased. Some were too long and needs to be cut short. Oh yeah and in one part you were like, squint your eyes. Squinting already means tightening your eyes to make you see something clearer so there's no need to add the eyes. I noticed you were also changing tenses randomly. In the same sentence you use past and present tense. Try to stick to one.

Enjoyment: 14/20
I actually liked the story line. It was thrilling and emotional. It's a great one. It's just that the errors I pointed out made it a bit hard to read and understand. We're all learning and in a matter of time you'll be amazing at this. Don't give up.

Total: 65/100

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