𝐅𝐈𝐎𝐍𝐍 | Review Shop [CLOSED]

Phoenix - Consumption [Nika]

Book: Phoenix - Consumption
Author: YsmeriaGuilro
Reviewer: Nikachu22
Chapters read: 6
Main focus: Dialogue / Overall enjoyment / pacing/ readability of scenes/ and what you think is interesting to highlight.

About the dialogue. There is no quotation marks to separate the dialogue from the description. I noticed the dashes before every characters speech, but then it suddenly leads into description without giving clear indication of where the dialouge ends.

Example below:
-- I…I… I just didn’t expect to ever see you again, so don't get me wrong, it’s hard for me to believe what I’m seeing. I admit, my cheeks flushing. (Chapter 1 dialogue.)

*****I admit, my cheeks flushing.***** Is she saying this or is this description?

“I…I… I just didn’t expect to ever see you again, so don't get me wrong, it’s hard for me to believe what I’m seeing.” I admit, my cheeks flushing.

Or

“I…I… I just didn’t expect to ever see you again, so don't get me wrong, it’s hard for me to believe what I’m seeing. I admit, my cheeks flushing.”

The dialogue is rather confusing because it forces me to decipher what is descirption and what isn’t and this could frustrate a large amount of readers who may drop the book for an easier read.

Also sometimes dialogue becomes overpowering as the driving force for their interactions with little dialogue to support them as characters and help us either love or hate them.

Due to this, the pacing, when it comes to reading the story, is hindered. Trying to constantly figure out what is dialogue and what isn’t leads me to focus on that versus the actual plot.

Chapter 2 is a little overwhelming as a reader. There is something called information dumping and their entire conversation without a break or much movement/emotional description between them really piles on the information. Large paragraphs that are only dialogue. I’d suggest slowing down all the information a bit, leaving a lot of it to either one be introduced as the story goes on because they will have multiple moments of being alone thus have multiple moments of relating information. As the two begin to travel and/or keeping the elusiveness to some degree is something better then just dumping it out.

Clarity on the unfolding scene is diminished due to me again having to decipher dialogue from descriptions and the scenes are moving rather quickly. I’d suggest working on the dialogue first an foremost before making any drastic edits.

Without emotion placed in the writing, the story flow becomes a little rushed, zipping from one scene to another without fully being able to take in/feel the characters personality. As a reader I can’t immerse mysle. Picture the setting, there’s nothing. This becomes a story of just telling. While I can understand Ezio’s zipping as he seems more used to these things happening to him and his family, I can’t seem to accept how composed she is even after running, jumping, and flying at high speeds from men who want to kill her. I expected her reaction to be a bit more shaken at least, I am looking for that through what is happening to her physically as these things are happening.

Her thinking about Nonna and her death makes her dizzy, but what does dizziness do to her physically? Just telling us she’s dizzy doesn’t give enough of what Nonna’s death is doing. This is what is refered to as telling. Because it lacks the showing. Showing involves you as an author to force us readers to picture the mental state. Think of a song and how it makes you picture things-- influences your emotions. It makes you reminisce on the past or what’s to come in the future. Take these feelings and implement them into the characters.

She runnning a lot. Where is her physical exhaustion or at least mentions of it?

They also lack situational awareness because during chapter 3, she seems to be yelling and the bad guys are close by. That is a dead giveaway to their location.

It seems a bit unrealistic considering they are human and this is a story about humans. I’d expect a little more character perfection from a story filled with fantasy characters. But a story with normal human being, I’d suggest keeping their reactions and what they are going through more natural and more relatable. You’d want to keep the interest high enough to constantly draw readers. Scenes that are filled with action must deliver not only the energy but the the abilities to feed us a moment that’s unforgettable. As she is going through this, how resilient her mind and body must remain. She was running with no shoes on. I’d expect some damage to her feet. You don’t want them as characters to be too perfect or protected by the plot. You want readers to be drawn in by the details they hold as well as the impact of the situations around them because these will lead to something called… character development.

The text --Damn it, guys, we’re falling apart back at the car !

May I ask, who said that?
There isn’t clear indication on why it was said.
As for my enjoyment. The energy of the story is on point. Early on it’s delivering high amounts to keep someone interested because it doesn't start of slow. She instantly thrown into this chaotic world where her only hope is the man that seemed to have brought the storm to her doorsteps. While I have mixed feelings about him, I’d say she’s just being led around for now.

I do enjoy the plot, but it’s hard for me to read the story in its entirety and in the end it’s to get through some of chapters without feeling a bit confused. I’d like to have been able to understand it more clearly.

I also wish that dialogue wasn’t a lot of what I received and was actually given a setting to imagine. What he or she sees as they are going through this. Overall, I think that you have a knack for delivering the action and with one chapter after the other filled with packed on all out drama, you can make a reader go “Oh, sshhhh…”

Don’t stop writing and if you do decide to do some editing then I hope that what I’m saying could help you in the first steps of it. I think that overall and your ideas that you have a great story on your hands. The beginning doesn’t make me root for the characters because in order for me to root for them then I have to be able to feel them; however, it does leave me wanting to know what’s going to happen next.

Thank you for allowing me review your story. Keep writing Guilro. <3

─⁠──⁠──⁠──⁠─ ⋄ ☾∘☽ ⋄ ─⁠──⁠──⁠──⁠─

Thank you for requesting a review from us. Do let us know what you think so that we can improve to better provide for authors like you.