𝐅𝐈𝐎𝐍𝐍 | Review Shop [CLOSED]

His Forever [Danielle]

Book: His Forever by icamilie
[prelude, chapters1-17] 
Reviewer: Dark_Ghostie 

Cover: 4/5 
The cover is beautiful. I believe that is Kiera? Well, the title is clear and legible. Good job! Even though the subtitle is clear, the font colour doesn’t really stand out, making it a little hard to read. 

Title: 4/5 
I love the title. It definitely screams romance though it isn’t exactly the most original title out there. 

Blurb: 4/5 
The blurb is good and intriguing. However, I feel that both parts can be combined together instead of repeating them. 

Mechanics: 13/20 
There are a lot of grammatical and spelling errors throughout your story. I’ve listed the more major ones here below for you though this is not limited. 

In chapter 1, you used the word ‘antic’ which means grotesque or bizarre or a playful trick or prank. I believe the word you want is ‘antique’ which means a relic or item of ancient times. And you also used the phrase ‘ankles crossed behind his head’. This isn’t physically possible unless you’re a contortionist so I believe you mean something like ‘hands crossed behind his head’ or ‘crossed his ankles’? 

In chapter 2, ‘Nathanaël ranged the doorbell revelling one of his mother's helps’ should be ‘Nathanaël rang the doorbell, revealing one of his mother’s helpers’. ‘rang’ is already the past tense of ‘ring’ so there is no need to add the ‘ed’ and ‘helpers’ refer to the the person who helps.  

In chapter 4, the sentence ‘they would always begin their two hours tale with two in replaceable words’ is a little weird and I had to reread it multiple times to understand. First, there is no need for the ‘s’ in ‘hours’. Second, ‘in replaceable’ should be ‘irreplaceable’, but I don’t think that it the right word here. I would suggest something like ‘regrettable’.

In chapter 14, ‘I did a mistake a year back which almost caused her life anf left her was her forgetting part of her life with amnesia’ should be something like this ‘I made a mistake a year back which almost cost her her life and left her with amnesia’. There is also a similar expression error in ‘well, due to a mistake I did she almost lost her life. We all thought she was death until I met her here’. I would recommend changing it to ‘Well, due to a mistake I made, we all thought she was dead, until I bumped into her here a few days ago’. 

In chapter 15, in ‘We want an explosive and passion adventure that people write about and they w the heart clenching poems of William Shakespear to have another meaning for them.’, there are too many elements and errors crammed into this one sentence, making it difficult to understand what you’re trying to say. I would recommend splitting it up or use different connectors to show the contrast between the love of today and the love in Shakespear’s poems.  

Chapter 16, you have a POV change. The chapter started out in third person, then suddenly switched to Sharon’s POV before changing back to third person with no prior warning. You might want to standardise the POVs so that readers won’t get confused as to what is going on.

I’ve noticed that you always use the word ‘gritted’ in your dialogues. Eg. ‘Dylan smiled and gritted him’ I believe you mean ‘greeted’? ‘gritted’ can mean dirt or the phrase gritted his teeth which signifies annoyance, none of which I believe is what you meant. 

I would strongly recommend using tools like Google docs, Microsoft Word and Grammarly to help you when it comes to spelling and grammar. These applications can help sieve out errors you might not know about which will undoubtedly improve the quality of your story. 

Plot: 15/20 
You’ve got a wonderful plot, full of potential. It is interesting and mysterious overall, leaving readers wondering how this will unravel. Your descriptions were lovely and I could clearly picture the characters and places perfectly. Good job! 

At the start, I wondered if Keira really was dead as only her body wasn’t found, implying that she might be dead afterall. And with that nightmarish dream that Nathanaël had, I thought maybe she had supernatural powers or something. You proved me wrong and led us hanging on whether Sharon was Keira who suffered from amnesia. I mean, it’s possible. 

I honestly think that Sharon was giving in a little too easily to Nathanaël and Jeremy, but at the end, you surprised me when she decided to ditch them. Her reaction to Dylan begging her to stay is realistic, though I feel like more emotion could’ve been added to make her choice more compelling and for readers to understand better why she changed her mind. Furthermore, those two chapters in part two were a little predictable. 

There is a lot of potential for a great story so don’t be afraid to explore and make this journey a thrilling ride full of twists and turns. 

Flow: 8/10 
Unfortunately, some of the chapters don’t really flow together as they jump between different characters and events before returning back to a previous event. One way to counter this is to rearrange the scenes, but if that is not possible, you can consider adding the main POV in the title. For example, Chapter 6: HESITATION (Sharon) or something like that to mark whose POV it’s in.  

Hook: 10/10 
Despite all its flaws, your story was captivating and I just kept wanting to read more. Good job! 

Character development: 15/20 
There is some character though there definitely is still room for more development. Currently, you’re describing their personalities and showing only part of it. 

For example, with Nathanaël, all I could really glean from the existing chapters was that he cares deeply for his friends and family, and that he loves Keira very much. Other than that, I don’t really know much about him, save for a few small glimpses of him through the eyes Jeremy. 

However, his rebellious little sister was very nicely developed. You told us what her personality was like, and I could see it clearly in her every action, form dying her hair blonde to outright talking back to her brother and the helper. And from the way she ran off to her boyfriend’s house, I’m assuming that she does have a soft side that she doesn’t show Nathanaël because he has hurt her in some way or another. This is a very good example of good character development. 

If you can develop all the major characters like you did to her, then you will have multidimensional, relatable characters that readers will love more and root for. Of course, you don’t have to do this all at one go, but spread it out here and there. It’s up to you how you want to develop them. 

One easy way is to try adding more character thought processes to show how the characters are feeling and show more of their personality. Sometimes, even their appearance can say something about them. Do remember the technique ‘Show, not Tell’ as well. Show readers what the characters and not just tell. Of course, take care not to go overboard with the showing.

Overall enjoyment: 5/5 
I must say, I quite enjoyed the story! 

Total: 78/100 
Just take note of your weak points and work on it. Other than that, you’re a talented writer. You really are. And I look forward to reading more about Nathanaël and Sharon/Keira. Keep up the good work!

─⁠──⁠──⁠──⁠─ ⋄ ☾∘☽ ⋄ ─⁠──⁠──⁠──⁠─

Thank you for requesting a review from us. Do let us know what you think so that we can improve to better provide for authors like you.