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The Last Bounty : Melee Billy [Dee]

Book: The Last Bounty : Melee Billy by N10Mc29
Reviewer: DHBurnside
Number of chapters read: 2

Idea: 3
Details and content: 2
Organization and structure: 2
Introduction and closure: 3
Word choice: 2
Voice: 3
Spelling: 0
Analysis: 2

Chapter 1:
There are random capital letters in places mid-sentence which was distracting to read. Be careful about using the same words twice in a paragraph. For example, alone was used twice in paragraph 2. This was done again in the Carolina section with the word 'Bartender', it wasn't necessary to say it three times here.

Some sentences didn't make sense. 'A lone and famous wanderer, his name was Billy." Just doesn't sound right to me. I think it would sound better as: a lone and famous wander, Billy, had both his guns.... Etc etc. Using hahaha in a sentence is fine if you are sending a text message but when you are writing a story, it doesn't work. Rather than adding ha ha ha - say he chuckled to himself.

Your dialogue is excellent. Really engaging. I would suggest you need to see more of the scene - I don't know where they are exactly, what it feels like, smells like, warm, dark, what time of day is it? Put this in throughout the story slowly as it's unfolding. What does Billy look like?

The woman was very interesting too. And the chapter ended on a good cliffhanger. I think with some heavy editing, this could be a great start but it needs work.

Chapter 2:
Good start switching characters. Again, wehave no idea of where they are though other than in London. 'death or alive' didn't sound right. 'Dead or alive' fits better.

In the Carolina section: 'Old' used twice in the first paragraph. 'My father. Todd Mayer.' Doesn't look right. Rather: 'My father, Todd Mayer, he is still.... I didn't understand why you were using letters ahead of dialogue like T and B. I get it stands for their names but it doesn't look right at all. Unless you're writing this book -Ahhh, was used in dialogue. Again, that's for children maybe? Although, considering the content, I guess not.

Overall, what I really liked about this story is that you just got right into telling it, I think the storyline itself is fantastic but there are a lot of writing mistakes that might put off the reader. Thankfully, these are easier to fix than storytelling. It just needs more world-building to set scenes and a bit more work in just the writing where a couple of mistakes were made. Otherwise, I think you have a fantastic outline for a story. Good luck with it.

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