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The Artifacts of Damnation [Dee]

Book: The Artifacts of Damnation
Author: ST0RI3ST0T3LL
Reviewer: DHBurnside
Chapters read:

I think your opening paragraph is a little confusing. The first line talks about darkness consuming her existence and then as she retuned in the next sentence she was in actual darkness. I think to make the metaphor work more in the first line use another term that isn’t ‘darkness’.

In the forgotten language. The change in dialect threw me a little, is this a continuation of the whisper?

There are some longer than necessary sentences for example her heart pounded against her ribcage, beating to the rhythm of fear – her heart pounding is enough of a statement to say that she is afraid.

The part about her rushing for her exam was very drawn out and I felt distracted by the story. I would shorten this down to a paragraph.

I think you could start the rush of her going to the exam from the phone call. It was as if she was coming in and out of her remember she was in a hurry somewhere which didn’t make any sense.

Like in real life, if you knew you were going to be late for an exam, would you waste time showering and eating breakfast?

I think the start of the story with the dream was excellent but the rest of the chapter felt like nothing was happening story-telling-wise. By the time the first chapter finishes, we need to set the tone for the story. Who the characters are, what the goal of the story is, and where we are going. Why do I want to read on?

You have some very good writing skills and I encourage you to keep going.

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