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Chronicles of Mystery [Nika]

Book: Chronicles of Mystery
Author: rebecca_batteur
Reviewer: Nikachu22
Chapters read: 5

Main focus: Character portrayals/Plot

There were times when I would have liked the character portrayal to be a little on the heavy side as the way you naturally write descriptions. I think a little more detail in the part where she smiled at him and he was reminded of something disturbing. 

A little more portrayal here would support his personality as well as setting up the readers on what it is that they can gain from reading this/feeling this. When it comes to emotional disturbances there are small chances to allow the jolting effects in the character's mood/hearts. Though outwardly he seems to be rather dark and cool, I think at that moment maybe narrowing his eyes or having him cut his gaze hard and irritated might help. Also, give a sentence or two about what it does to him physically.

A lot of times authors allow character portrayal to do one of two things… fall within the dialogue (the dialogue explains the emotions of the characters) or two... simply explain the emotions through single-sentence movements. These can be as simple as a character looking away when something happens, but what happens to the body's physical/emotional pulls will help solidify the portrayal of a character.

When something happens to us as human beings I want you to keep this in mind. We often react differently depending on what truly bothers us, makes us happy, or sad. But what he feels can’t be explained with a simple look away. We feel things on a deeper level. Sometimes our hearts may pick up in speed if we are filled with sudden anxiety. Or people fidget others may clear their throat and some get offended, react coldly, or turn to complete awkwardness. You want to keep these basic reactions in mind when you have characters. Depending on the character traits you have, you can elaborate on the personalities you are dealing with.

I have seen some authors use words to convey and their word choice can simply explain everything with just a few sentences. I like to draw out an emotional triggering situation. This helps connect to the characters as well as help readers understand who they’re dealing with.

Lucy's personality is explained more through the dialogue than through her actions. What you don't want is to allow that to govern her. She’s high-strung by what I’ve gathered so it's really easy to allow her to express herself more through actions. Focus on homing their personalities and expressing them through distinct character movements. Because you chose her already bubbly personality, she is a naturally shining character and she will continuously outshine him if you allow it. She is like the second character that is driving the story. So, make her do small quirks and movements that are her own special thing, and make sure to not make her seem like she a bit on the looney toon side.  

Having these specifics also helps with character distinction. When you bunch a group of characters up, you won't suffer the dreadful... everyone acts the same just a different name trope. 

I know that naturally quiet characters have a bit of a struggle with the portrayal, but everything can be achieved if their portrayal relies on showing readers instead of showing the other characters. So let's say a character is quiet and they don't express themselves enough to those part of the story, but we as readers get to see firsthand what everything is doing to them by emotional description and their inner thoughts.

I'll give an example so let's use the scene I mentioned above.

She turned to him with a soft face, again smiling with spark in her eyes. A look that sent a sudden shudder up Alistair's spine when his gaze succumbed to its familiarity. He had seen this look in the past too many times just on another face, but that look wilted one day becoming a haunting image. He turned as if regretting ever allowing himself access to such pleasure. There was enough riddling his mind, threatening to burst from the clenching in his jaw-- the heaviness in his heart. His slim fingers grasped tightly to the object within palm. The soft sound of it crunching beneath his strength. He avoided subtle warmth for it wasn't as welcoming as forgetting. Painful marks forced his mind into uneasiness whenever he allowed his guard down. He hated it. If he could erase her expression he would, but then what pain he'd be giving to the young woman?

"That's alright. Let's continue." A whispered voice, filled with nothing but the hollow feelings he was clinging to. 

In the Chapter The Splendor of the Past, I think that the description of the Fiery Angel is a little excessive. It holds no weight to the plot itself. When it comes to chapters what I consider to be what is known as filler is when something can be skipped over during reading and not have missed anything significant to the plot itself. Ask yourself this? Is this important? Does it move the plot along in any way?

I think exposing Lucy's mind-reading abilities without a little of a build-up to support it is more of like a surprise to the readers when reading the story. I think when she first encounters the countess and maid/butler she should pick up on some mind reading first or do something that supports her abilities and then maybe tell Alistair that she saw nothing. This is an important ability to have for Lucy so introducing it first subtly is better than just ju ping right into it in my opinion. 

Overall: I think the story is good. I think there needs to be more detail on characters expressing themselves as everything that pertains to the character's emotions isn't explained in enough depth as I would've liked to see. You give a lot of detail when describing something/a setting, but the character's emotions/portrayal took a hit in the story. If you want stronger characters with more solidness to them then you must have them act out what they are feeling/saying and put the needed emotions into the things they are going through. Feel them as if you were in the story alongside them and then write it out. Act it out according to each character and their personalities and really relate to them. 

Also, I do not understand the -- used in place of "" when characters are talking.

The plot itself is a little slow to start because it takes a few chapters just for them to encounter The Countess only to again encounter some bumps. I know the first few chapters are like their introduction and them being detectives it sort of fits the flow., but at some point, something needs to be hook-worthy. In order to keep readers engaged. Maybe they get the case and know a little bit about it and maybe they are coming into the situation with so many expectations but the 'everything isn't what it seems' plot twist needs more elaboration. Maybe instead of The Countess coming to greet them, she never comes out of her room and Maude comes to greet them. As they are looking for her instead, Lucy goes out of the room after being warned by Maude to never venture around the house. Only then does she encounter The Countess and the woman is actually combing her hair, looking in the mirror. She stares empty at herself as if nothing but a shell. At this moment Lucy goes to use her mind-reading abilities but suddenly Alistair scares her and she jumps, knocking on the door. She turns to address him, but before she can The Countess has already found herself wondering who is there. They are caught. Countess is confused. What you want first and foremost as a character trait when working with detectives-- Curiosity. A character needs an abundance amount of curiosity because they will be intrigued by the case that is going on. So warnings and other things being told to them will not be followed and as they are not followed... things are uncovered, but the more they are uncovered the worse it gets.

This is only my opinion and suggestion. I hope that you keep writing. From what I read, you have a strong ability to describe something. I can see where you could really go off the hinges with it and create some masterpieces for objects. Harvest it and let the characters shine more.

Keep Writing Rebecca.

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