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Finding Death [Dee]

Book: Finding Death
Author: P_and_h
Reviewer: DHBurnside
Chapters read: 2

Be careful of repeating words or phrases more than once. ‘as’ is a word repeated in the prologue twice in the paragraph ‘Mommy doesn’t love you…’

The scene with the father was very abrupt starting with 'How was your day?' And then moving very fast into abuse. It seems an unusual question for them to ask. Maybe rather than him speaking she can ‘feel his energy in the room’ first before he starts hurdling abuse or she can be clean on his demands before making a mistake?

I loved the part about the violin. I’d love to see a little more detail here. Rather than tell us the reader how it was wonderful – show us. For example, ‘the day I picked up the violin, I remember hearing the beautiful sounds echo from it filling the room and finally I could share my sadness in a way words couldn’t…’

Chapter one
I enjoyed this chapter, it’s a brand-new concept.

My only issue with it is the hamster's perception of reality is way too human-like. And the detail of the hamster knowing what private school is for example just doesn’t seem realistic. I think apart from the opening, it would be easy to forget it's from the POV of a small furry animal. Like when he's travelling on his ‘master’ shoulder… wouldn’t he be terrified of this nasty person that he’s stuck with? That’s a good opportunity to feel what it's like to be at such a great height on unstable grounds.

Chapter two
If the master treats the hamster so badly why would he take him with him everywhere? That doesn’t really make much sense. Also, I think the hamster needs a name too and an introduction when the master's new friends are introduced.

You left a lot to mystery with the Mistress. I thought it was a bird or another animal for a while before I understood it to be a human I guess? I think you should make this clearer at the start to avoid confusion.

Great work. Very original idea that has the potential to be a fantastic novel.

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