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Penny - Guardian [Nika]

Book: Penny - Guardian
Author: SunshineRo91
Chapters read: 6-10
Main focus: Plot and Characters

So, reading the first chapter, I noticed that the more I read the more confusing the plot became. From the first half of the chapter, she introduces everything and we get a feel of her personality/tastes. She goes to the store where she pays for everything and then suddenly she’s home and then I’m guessing she attended a parade. The way you transition scenes is quite confusing because there is nothing that tells the readers of the transitions or what is to become before the transitions. If she is moving then state that. State she sees someone across the room and decides to join them. State where she is with a little detail. Describe the setting a little. You could even state a certain amount of time has passed. If she went to bed, woke up the next day after all night of doing decorations with her mom, then fill us in on it. Otherwise, the scenes are bouncing around without a clear path and it’s confusing to hold the plot.

There are mentions of her brother and how he impacted her, but this information is suddenly placed on readers without any clear build-up to allow us time to soak it in. I suggest while she is with her mother who seems to be kind and sweet she notices her mom staring off into a certain direction, or at an item that she knows reminds her of her brother. Then drop some information like -My brother has been missing for quite some time and mom always tends to think about him without saying it, but I know she misses him. His true nature was discovered, leaving me and Mom to clean up the aftermath. - She goes to pat her mom on the shoulder. Her mother looks at her suddenly with empty eyes and says without hesitation “Now, where were we.”

They continue to make decorations until bedtime. The next morning the parade starts bright and early. She attends with the idea of helping the smaller stores, but as she walks around, she notices the not-so-welcoming participants. This is where she hears someone whisper about her identity.

Claiming she is the sister of the famous walking lie detector or whatever codename you give her brother. She hears this, looks away with a saddened smile and only at this time do you drop the info onto us about her brother and how life has been for them.

This is what transitioning smoothly means. It will help fill in the plot, ground the character, and allow readers to enjoy the story smoothly. What you don't want is to hop around with no clear path.

In Chapter Two, her emotions fluctuate so much that she seems to respond to what is being said at that moment instead of being a grounded character with a solid personality. It is alright to have a character shaken up, but she still needs to have character traits that she always falls upon. One moment she dotes on him and then when he says anything she doesn't like she instantly becomes very ‘ugh, whatever.’ but then he moves suddenly and she catches butterflies. He soon dives deeper into denying her leaving the community and she’s abruptly now wanting to scream at him.

If she is a person that bounces with conflicting emotions then that is fine, but I’d still suggest grounding her as a character. It’s alright to show a small dislike for situations and character interactions if said characters do not like what is happening, but what you want to stray away from is a character that seems to not soak in the interaction itself, which means a character that’s never deeply affected by small and large things. She doesn't seem to be in the moment with him, just reacting to whatever sentence/movement he is saying, giving her a sort of airheaded persona.

Make her move, challenge him, and stand on her ideas. It’s still alright for her to catch butterflies if she thinks he’s a handsome man; however, she must not forget that this is a serious conversation. Her role in this moment is to relate as much to readers as possible. You'd want someone to go 'I know how she feels.' She is trying to gain freedom to do as she pleases and right now, he isn’t allowing it. So, what can be done? Allow some sternness in her beliefs, put her in the moment. Keep her reminded that this is her moment to convince him and then let her shine.