𝐅𝐈𝐎𝐍𝐍 | Review Shop [CLOSED]

Harbingers of Apocalypse: Pale Horse [Nika]

Book: Harbingers of Apocalypse: Pale Horse
Author: YooliaSthings
Reviewer: Nikachu22
Chapters read: 2

Main Focus: Chapters 17 and 18 (Helping readers understand the flow of the story.)

Chapter 17:
So, Chapter 17…. Wow. Let me start by saying there is a lot that is going on… I love that it's progressing. There is a lot of suspense being placed into what the characters are doing and how the scenes are unfolding. Keeping the readers engaged.

Her father and his interaction with the elders/seraphim has a lot of dialogue I think could be slowed down a bit with some added description. We are experiencing some pretty heavy plot scenes here. We learn a lot and I feel like this is a verrrrry important scene. I feel like it's so important that it cannot be told at such a fast-paced. (Dialogue after dialogue without much description.)

With scenes like these that pile on action one after another, you need to draw a line somewhere and that line should be placed in the moments where the action isn't at its heaviest or where characters are interacting the most. You'd want to put in any information you need to as well as completely slow what's happening so we will read the smooth transitioning/character interaction by adding more description to support the characters.

The moments where there is action/fighting are okay to skim over if you’re not good at detailed fight scenes. You do well with giving us readers a clear picture of how they are fighting with the little description you use.

Not so much dialogue between the characters because then all it becomes is a talking fest that we can’t feel or relate to. We are only given emotion through dialogue. The flow becomes a bit jumbled for me here because I’d like to feel the characters and emotions. I think it’s a little rushed. When you're trying to do something allow us time to picture it, soak it in, and read it to a point where it seems like we are watching a movie. If you move too quickly, the images won't process well enough. I’ll write an example below.

So her father has made his grand entrance right, but as this part is unfolding, there is more talking than anything else. What can be done to give the characters more shine than dialogue?

Unedited:
“Tobias! How I longed to see you my old friend” My father spoke as he wiped his sword with his cloak.

“You are no longer a friend of mine!”

My father titled his head looking hurt but suddenly sprung up and laughed merily, “Did I come in the bad time?” His eyes scanned the surroundings and stopped at Amadeus.

“My, my, my, the seraphim has returned!” My father strode closer and revealed a long scar on his arm, he held it high so Amadeus could see. “A wound that never heals, do you remember?”

Edited:
“Tobias! How I longed to see you, my old friend.” My father's voice rang out laced with sarcasm and intimidation. His confidence didn’t seem rehearsed and I could feel he had come with intent on his mind. Narrowed eyes, I watched him intensely from my location, unsure of what would happen next. Lifting a stray piece of fabric on his cloak, his sword swiftly glided across it as his eyes remained on Tobias, a small smile on his lips.

“You are no longer a friend of mine!” Tobias barked back, taking a step forward and throwing his arm to the side severing any mockery my father handed out.

A tilt of my father’s head played a role that he was suddenly hurt by the remark, his eyes puppying against harsh words. The fleeting pain but imagination when his mood sprung up as if never faltering. An eerie laugh soon echoed the stage and the look he was given by the onlookers changed swiftly.