Sunshine...?

42

After the whole team finished crying and eating, they all went their separate ways. Hinata was alone as he walked back to the school to grab his bike. As he finally started making his way home, more tears built in his eyes and rolled down his face. This loss hit him hard. He thought that as long as he and Kageyama had their freak quick attack, they couldn't lose. He ended up being wrong. And it cost him a game. Now he can't keep playing volleyball on the court, he can't face any more teams. He has to take tomorrow off from practice as a rest day since the team had games for the past few days. He felt even worse, since he couldn't use volleyball as a distraction from these heavy feelings.

He rode his bike home, his vision being blurry for the most part. Luckily, there were no problems with getting home. Natsu was already asleep by the time he got home. He quietly closed the door, locking it before taking his shoes off. Slowly, he starts walking through the house.

His mother comes out of the kitchen, calling out to him. "Shoyo. Did you already eat dinner? How was your games?"

Hinata sighed, not turning to look at his mother. "I ate dinner with the team. We lost our game today. I'm tired, so I'm just going to shower and go to bed."

"Alright. Y/n is probably waiting for you to talk to her. She says that she was only able to get a hold of your club's manager earlier today. I think she's worried about you, even though she was trying not to show it. Make sure you talk to her sometime tonight or early tomorrow. Don't let that poor girl worry about you all the time. Actually talk to her, let her know your feelings. She's always going to be there for you, she'll stick by your side no matter what. Make sure you do the same for her. Well, I guess I shouldn't be keeping you from getting ready for bed. Goodnight, Shoyo." She disappears back into the kitchen, finishing up with the clean up from her dinner.

Hinata continues to quietly go upstairs. He grabs a fresh change of clothes, then goes to shower. He drags his feet while walking, moving slowly while cleaning himself off. For a few minutes, he just stands under the running water, not making an effort to move. He grits his teeth as more tears spill from his eyes. He clenches his hands into fists, feeling even more frustration build up within him.

It's my fault. It's all my fault. We lost because of me. Y/n is worried because of me. I shouldn't even be alive right now. I should just die so nothing bad happens to everyone around me. I was a mistake. I should've never been born. The world would be a much better place without me.

He gets out of the shower, having finished cleaning himself up. He slowly dries himself off, then gets dressed. He walks back to his room, after dropping off his dirty clothes to get washed. He closes and locks the door to his bedroom. He heads over to where he keeps his knife and medical supplies. Then he does his usual routine. He leaves somewhat deep slashes in his arms, cleaning everything up afterwards. He wraps his arms up, making them seem as good as new. Almost like nothing happened, like nothing was ever wrong.

But things were very wrong.

Hinata couldn't get rid of the dark thoughts swirling around in his head. He couldn't shake off the feelings his gained from this loss. He couldn't stop blaming himself, even though it wasn't his fault. There was nothing else he could've done. He can't go back in time and change what he did. He just needs to get stronger, but he can't see that at the moment. His vision continues to get blurry as tears keep building in his eyes, slowly spilling to be released from his eyelids. He let out sobs, trying to remain as quiet as possible so he wouldn't disturb his mom and sister.

He clenches his hands into fists, hitting his pillow as he buries his face into the fabrics. He wants to scream, but no sound comes out. He keeps hitting the pillow until his arms hurt so much that they become numb. He lays still, face first, on his bed. His breathing is ragged, his lungs hurting from how close he is to hyperventilating. He needs to let all of this out he wants to talk to someone. But there's no way he could let anyone know how he's feeling.

The thoughts of the day replay in his mind. How he rode his bike to school together with you. How he went to his class and followed his normal routine. He remembered how he left in the afternoon, close to the final class, and rode on the bus to the stadium he played volleyball in. Each second of the game against Aoba Johsai flashed through his head. The final point scored, the point he lost.

Hinata tightly gripped the fabrics on his bed, trying to feel something else. His body starts shaking uncontrollably. He grits his teeth, trying to get his mind to stop focusing on the match. He would rather feel the sharp pain in his arms, but even that is blocked out. He just feels numb. All his negativity has drained him. He lays in bed, hoping that he can suffocate so that he'll never have to think about losing again.

But he can't fall asleep. He managed to roll onto his back, eyes wide open. He looks at the ceiling in his dark room. There's no light, no sound. It feels empty, lonely.

A sound cuts through the room, gaining the boy's attention. A text appears on his screen as he turns his phone on. He reads it, a mix of feelings washing over him.

You
Kiyoko told me what happened today
I don't want to bother you, but I know you probably feel upset
Just know that I'm here for you
You can come talk to me whenever
I'll always listen to you
Well, you're probably tired right now
Get some good rest
Goodnight, Shoyo
I love you

Hinata turns his phone off, putting it back onto his bedside table. He lets out a sigh and closes his eyes.

I'm such an idiot.