Sunshine...?

52

Hinata flopped on his bed once he got home. He finally let the tears he'd been holding back escape from his eyes. He forced himself to get up. He showered quickly, going back to his room and locking the door. For a moment, he felt all his strength leave him. He slid down his door, covering his face as he started sobbing uncontrollably. He just couldn't believe what he learned today.

She's definitely breaking up with me. She was serious, and the other guys wouldn't lie to me about what that means. And I can't believe she likes Kageyama now! Why didn't I see it coming?! They became friends right away, and he even smiled while talking with her often. I should've suspected something when they were spending the whole week together. And Y/n completely distanced herself from me. According to the second and third years, that's a sign of her not liking me anymore. I knew I should've just been open and honest with her! I pushed her away so much, and now I'm going to be losing her forever! I don't think I'll be able to handle it once she and Kageyama get together. I can't be selfish, I promised to always put her happiness first. I'll let her go without putting up a fight. I want her to live her life. I should probably stop clinging to her so much once she ends it with me. I'll only be a burden for her. She shouldn't miss me when I'm gone, so I can't keep a tight hold on her any longer. Fuck! I'm gonna miss her so much! I fell in love with her, she became my reason to live! I've been cutting myself much less after she and I confessed to each other and started dating. I'll just kill myself after letting her go for good. I'll make sure that she won't miss me. It'll be better for the both of us. I won't get far in life, no one likes me. I just make problems for everyone no matter where I go or what I do. I'm better off dead. I don't deserve to be alive.

I should've never been born. Y/n should've never met me. I only made her life worse. I told her about my dad, and she's been having so many problems. It's all my fault. I'm a curse. I need to get out of everyone's lives. They don't need me around. Everything will be better once I'm dead. Everyone would do much better if I stop existing.

He slowly gets up, tears still flowing down his face. He drags his feet across the ground as he grabs the knife. He leaves several slashes on his forearms, allowing them to bleed. He gasps when he starts coming back to his senses.

"Shit."

He moves himself across his room to get himself cleaned up. He wipes the blood flowing from his arms, wrapping them in bandages. He looks at the droplets of blood that have splattered across the floor. A string of curses fly from his mouth, all being muttered so no one else can hear him. He grabs his cleaning supplies and spends 20 minutes or so cleaning up all the blood off of the floor. He sighs as he puts everything away. He flops down on his bed, laying on his back. He stares at the ceiling for a moment before groaning. He gets back up to turn the light off, crawling back onto his bed and looking up at the ceiling as he rests on his back.

I don't want to break up. I wanna live the rest of my life with her. I love her so much. How can everything just come to an end? I thought everything was going so well. Why did I have to fuck up so much? Why can't I make her happy? What did Kageyama do that I can't? I'm so worthless. I shouldn't have cleaned myself up. I shouldn't be trying to stop the bleeding with bandages. I should just drop dead. Y/n deserves someone much better than me. Kageyama is smarter than me, he can play volleyball better than me, hell he's fucking taller than me. Maybe that's what Y/n wants. Kageyama is perfect for her and I'm just a mistake. Did she ever really love me? Or was it pity? She probably would've never tried dating me if I never told her about my dad abusing me. I deserved that abuse. I should've died long ago, before Y/n and I could've met again in high school. I should just stay out of her life. I never deserved her. I never deserved to be alive.

He lays awake in bed, unable to fall asleep. His dark thoughts swirl around in his mind, making it impossible for him to even think about sleep. He knew tomorrow he'd get his heart broken. He wanted to be prepared for it. He couldn't have any good thoughts about himself, or else everything was going to hurt him.

You weren't the kind of person to just abandon him. Hell, you didn't even like Kageyama or anyone else as anything other than a friend. The only one you could ever love was Hinata Shoyo.

But he couldn't believe that anymore. Not after what the other members of the team had said to him. Hinata was confident that you were going to break up with him first thing when he steps into your house.

Maybe she won't even let me in her house. She'll probably just open the door, break up with me, then slam the door in my face and lock it. There's no way she'd be kind to me. I was a horrible boyfriend. I was a horrible friend. I'm a horrible person. My parents should've never had me. I'm just a big mistake. I just need to die. I don't even want to go to Y/n's house tomorrow. I already know what's gonna happen. What's the point of letting it happen? Wait, no. I need to go over to her house. I need to know from her directly that I'm shit. That she doesn't love me. That she doesn't need or want me in her life. I need to hear it. Just so I know I'm right.

That I'm much better off killing myself.