words from a broken soul

Romance

Romance can mean so much but hollow no
That's what they feel to me I ponder why
Is it because I've never understood love
Or was it because my sense of love was
A sick twisted version growing up I know
Not the reason but I know kissing feels
Hollow but could it be because I'm still
Killing my emotions or is it a fear of
Experiencing more heartbreak than I have
Already despite my helpless romantic self
I'm afraid of getting back out on the scene
Romance can mean so much but hollow no

Everything I touch slips through my hands
Why is love any different it's not sadly I'm
Just a mere ghost coasting through life
Wise for may age because the hell I lived
To get to this point I'm nothing but broken
Trying to feel something that I barely understand
Sure I've dated before both times ended
Badly for me dumped to months in for
What reason I'll never get the answer to
That question the second time I can blame
Them I was a pretty bad partner near the end
But I can't help but always write love letters
Do people still wants those anymore sure
But why am I controlled my fear of having
A fractured sanity walking that thin line
Of being sane and insane never to be sane
Romance can be anything but hollow no

I'm abnormal most people see me as
Attention seeking or faking my illness
No they're just uneducated or just don't
Want to accept that the hell people get
Put through especially as children fucks
With the mind within the mind severe abuse
Can change all the wiring in the brain
Yet they don't understand that the brain
Will do things to make sure the person
Survives and you can't really get meds
For the result of that last ditch effort
How that effort makes relationships hard
Romantic Familia or friendships it doesn't
Matter which it is it'll fuck with them either
Way that's the curse of dissociative disorders
And yet the blood pumping through my
Veins feels like a curse no other so what
Is the point to romance when you see your
Blood as half dead what is the point to romance
When I'm forced to wear a mask all the time
Hide the altered psyche so I don't get left
Romance can be anything but hollow no

I've always felt alone just a ghost
Was never one to care grew up alone
Yet I wasn't but why did it feel like so
Romance isn't any different when it doesn't
Last or is that the pessimism in me talking
I'll never know for I'm afraid of being judged
Even more so on a romantic level dates
What are those when you're a homebody
Who just rather watch movies or anime
Maybe take me to a zoo or aquarium but
A restaurant date nah I'll pass to many
Possibilities for my anxiety to over think
A zoo or aquarium is much better for I'm
Not one for many words even less when
I'm the topic of discussion for I know so
Little about myself yet so much at the
Same time memories that are less than
Good don't want to trauma dump or info dump
So many issues when you don't know how
Proper communication skills such a shame
To be a helpless Romantic yet unable to talk
Romance can be anything but hallow no

I'm Content on being alone if it mean I
Won't be judge for the pain and misery
That was put on my shoulders for me
To carry and what the end result of it
Was to my mind broken and altered just
So I had a better chance to survive hell
I've survived but I'm nothing but numb
Cold because it's how I survived hell
Now what my relationships I try not to
Think about them to spare myself from
Spiraling of the fragile cliff of my sanity
Just to drown in the ocean of memories
I wish we nothing but smoke and ash
Unfortunately they'll always be with me
For they've been branded to my soul
Even my mind won't forget what I suffered
Romance can mean anything but hallow no