words from a broken soul

Self love

What is it will I ever be able to love myself
Growing I was made to hate myself don't
Know who made me hate myself but I do
Just like I don't know which family member
That the abysmal void use to remind me of
The lies I've accepted as truths or when it
Whispers to me in that sickly tone of how
I should truly just become a corpse instead
Of seeing myself as a ghost puppeting a
Corpse that has a pulse yet confused on if
It's truly living or just meandering through
The misery of flashbacks of memories gift
Of the void reopening the scars from my past
Feeling all the hatred and pain lacking love
The pretended feeling of being loved as a
Person and not someone toy or a bag to hit
What is it will I ever be able to love myself

Thing is the past I can't forget every time I
Look in the mirror I see the times where I
Understood the lad choice of suicide by
Throwing himself down a well yet he left
Me a copy in his place unknown of what
Hellish nightmare I was just brought into
I may have escaped hell but it's left me
Altered my psyche I fractured and broken
The Blood being pumped through my body
It's half dead to me and feels like a curse
My brain has a lot of things out wack that's
Because of the repeated trauma I survived
Yet I'm cold and numb to those who try to
Be my friends got to serve of trust issues
Got doubts if my friends will stick around
If they got to know the me behind the mask
On my face hiding the insane shell I truly am
The rain in my fog ridden mind it's drowning me
The fire is more of smoldering embers for
I lack true passion these words don't feel
Like art to me just distant thoughts that
Sound best to help me not kill my emotions
What is it will I ever be able to love myself

The parts that make up my damaged psyche
What do they think of me when snap in rage
For I was shoved off the cliff into the ocean
Of emotions that I kill because they're a
Weakness and being cold and numb is the
Only strength I have in my battles with my
Depression and anxiety face them alone to
Not be a bothersome burden to my friends
Lacking the will to look into my eyes lest I
Be reminded of the horrors that haunt me
Fearing of just being forgotten by everyone
Terrified if I'll turn into the nightmare I had
To call my guardian when I have my own
Family do I want to have one when I see
The blood coursing in my veins as a curse
They'd know not what the blood did but I
Would for it was branded on to my ashen
Soul forever stuck in my head what my
Disowned father did to his own kid the
Forever fearful that I could be the same
What is it will I ever be able to love myself

All the questions in my head feels like I'm
Dying of thirst yet I never find the oasis in
The desert as the sun bleeds the truth and
My deepest insecurities of myself for who
Could look past how damaged I am look
Past the fact that I'm insane yet sane as well
There's no medicine for me and the parts
Are the only people who kept me company
When I was deaf and silence was the only
Thing I knew felt like it was a year just silent
Only able to talk to myself and I was fine
With it meant I didn't have to hear the constant
Fighting I escaped what alway felt like a
Hurricane of hatred and yelling but the silence
I started to resent it made me hate it I have
To have background noise lest I drown in
The whispering of the abysmal void again
What is it will I ever be able to love myself