words from a broken soul

Numb

Being numb is all I've known
Kill the emotions before they
Reach my eyes because emotions
Are a weakness and overwhelming
Walked through hell because I was
Numb around it so I could survive it
Sure it cost me my insanity but you'll
Have to look past the mask I wear to
See the cacophony of broken parts
Being numb is all I've known

I may be haunted by my personal demons
Be it the past depression or suicidal ideation
They all lurk in the shadows behind
The mask on my face yet that mask
Fools even me don't know when it got like this
But it's been fooling me for so long now
Always pretending to be fine so no one
Worries about a ghost walking with the living
Being numb is all I've known

Yet the past that haunts me makes
It impossible to be numb to probably
Because I've could've done better yet
That's what we all think in regards to it
The past serves as life lessons but
I'm struggling to decipher the lessons
That my fog ridden brain decided to be
To important to turn into smoke and ash
Being numb is all I've known

The joyful child I know I once was
Where did he go is he still around
No wait that's not possible he died in the well
If he's alive is it a corpse or a ghost shadow
Of their former self I'm not sure anymore
The cold and numb self that took the lad
Place if the lad comes back what will he say
No what will he think of the ghost I am
Who took their place so we'd survive
Not unaltered but we survived hell
Being numb is all I've known

There's only so much I could handle
Hell was one of the things that broke me
So here I am with the scars of the past
Hiding behind a mask till the void forces
Those scars to tear open like lightning
Tearing through the sky always was a
Shadow of the original probably why
I've always seen myself as a ghost
Who's just meandering through life
Pretending to be one with the living
Being numb is all I've known

The only escape from hell was a friend
And the lovely things known as video games
They both gave me the will to survive
Another day of hell slowly dying just
To slowly lose bits and pieces of my sanity
May have survived those early years but
Now I really don't have the strength to live
I'm only doing it so I don't cause those
Who are close to me pain from my death
Being numb is all I've known