words from a broken soul

Smile

I don't know how to smile
The best I can offer is a jagged smirk
Maybe it's because of how cold and numb
I am maybe it's the depression I battle
Could be how often I think of death
Are they the reason I don't know how to smile
Or is it because I took the place of the joyful lad
Endured hell yet I couldn't save myself
Where did the lad go did he really fall down a well
Or is he somewhere alive in my head
I don't know how to smile

If I find the lad maybe he can teach me
How to properly smile and not a crooked smirk
But that's if I find him in the fog and ash
That plague my brain nothing is the same
Beside being haunted by the scars of the past
They've always been lurking in my shadow
Waiting for the void to tear them open
The past is best forgotten no but what do
I do when the past is imprinted to my ashen soul
There's just no forgetting what imprinted to you
You can only manage it like it's a job
I don't know how to smile

Always wondering if I'm doing it right
Or do I just look like a fool when I smile
I might as well be a fool with how well
The mask has made me think I'm fine
That mask I wear on my face so no one
Worries about The ghost I am just living
In someone else's place because we were
Altered from hell truly broken as a lad
Become numb to the hell and you survive it
But that's all I've been doing surviving no joy
Just living not for myself for others so
I don't cause anyone pain from my death
Put on the fake ass smile so no one
Questions my suicide jokes because humor
Isn't my strong suite nothing is besides
Wasting the time of everyone around me
I don't know how to smile

The only escape I have is video games
And the few close friends that I do have
They bring joy to the coldness in my heart
The pain I hide behind a mask can you see
It when you look into my eyes is it visible
That I'm a dying fire producing more smoke
Then the warmth that I so desperately crave
Is it obvious that I have trust issues
Can you notice my smile is usually fake
Who'll notice that I really just want love
Yet I'm terrified of putting myself out there
Because if they get to know me will they
Leave when they realize how broken I am
I don't know how to smile

How I'm an amalgamation of parts pretending
To be normal so I'm not looked down on
For the simple reason I'm Insane yet able
To pass off as something I'm not years of
Wearing that mask thanks I guess
When I'm around friends I think the smile
Is genuine but at the same time I know
Just how fake it truly is can't do anything
But when I'm drunk I truly feel joy simply
Because I forget about my horror filled
Past the haunts me like my personal demon
But I don't want to add addiction to
The list of things that hide in my shadows
I don't know how to smile