words from a broken soul

Misery's misfit

I'm a misfit yet misery is familiar to me
I've known misery for most my life
Got familiar with death came naturally
When those who meant the world to me
Died before I was in middle school put
On a mask to hide my pain from others
Battling depression yet not knowing
What that truly was nor how to explain it
Anxiety what that's something I dealt with
In silence same as my depression just two
Years out of high-school unlocked memories
Of being sexual abused because of a song
I'm a misfit yet misery is familiar to me

Was deaf for a time a year at most I was
In like first grade cause was people yelling
It was such a daily thing I got used to it till
The lull of a hurricane became one then
The next thing I knew I can't hear anything
Just silence it was peace for a time but
Frustrating being unable to communicate
The voices were my only solace yet why
Did I have these voice how do I bring up
That I hear things that no one else does
And why do they seem like the version of
Me I needed to be to survive in a hell I was
Numb to it because it was all I knew in life
I'm a misfit yet misery is familiar to me

Asking what is love when all I knew was
A sick and twisted version of it for it was
Giving to me by being the toy of someone
Who I was supposed to see as a guardian
Use as a bargaining chip in a battle I was
Unaware of till I grew up in a normal home
Yet can someone as damaged as me find
The courage to accept that I can be loved
Or will the abysmal void win and remind
Me what a truly am yet whose voice does
The void us I'm never able to pin it I guess
That's the beauty of having a fog ridden brain
My psyche is so damaged that memories
Are unreliable most days and shoddy the rest
The blood that's half dead coursing in me
It feels like a curse for I'm terrified I'll be
Like the nightmares I grew up with hope
I don't make my family fear me like I did
With mine time will tell I suppose I should
Move on from the past that haunts me from
My shadows waiting to break me down
I'm a misfit yet misery is familiar to me

Don't have many friends was isolated
So I was the stray outcast of every group
Yet I didn't care because I've got too many
Trust issues to really connect to others
Makes sense when I was fed lies most
My life by the one I called my guardian
Now I'm just antisocial survival skill to me
The only knives getting driven into my back
Are my own doings for being naive thought
I knew who I was friends with realized I don't
I'm my worst enemy I cave socialization
Yet I never want to be a bother to others
Just drowning in being alone yet I'm not
Truly alone being abnormal has its perks
Have conversations with myself yet not
Myself two sides of the same coin yet not
Trying to live a life that I feel like a ghost
That's puppeting a corpse I have a pulse
But don't feel like I'm living meandering
Through one foot stuck in the past the
Other is slowly but surely joining it
I'm a misfit yet misery is familiar to me

The void delivers the flashback of things
I wish were mear smoke and ash as it tells
Me that I should let the fire in me die out
Watch it turn to embers and then douse it
Yet I keep pressing on not for me but for
Those who know me so I don't cause them
Pain by snuffing out my life like a flame
That never got it's chance to lit up the pit
Funny how you never truly know someone
No matter how close you think you are
Look in their eyes can you see the turmoil
Behind them or mine what do you see is
It good or just hiding what hell they have
Gone through the value of a face that wears
A mask is hollow yet its to survive in hell
That the mask feels like it fused to their
Face unsure if it will ever be removed
It's a constant reminder that they have
To pretend to be someone their not
Yet they're so used to it It's just second nature
Just like breathing you don't pay attention
Yet you know your breathing just automatic
I'm a misfit yet misery is familiar to me