words from a broken soul

Trauma

When you're traumatized you're different
To those who aren't they see you different
Yet they usually don't learn what you have
Gone through because they don't know
What it's truly like until they experience it
But the shit I went no one deserves let alone
A helpless kid who's made themselves a ghost
Because they had it drilled into them that
They were as worthless as dead flame
When you're traumatized you're different

The pain I suffered for nine years so much
That it was locked away and walled off from me
The wiring in my brain stuck in survival mode
The broken and altered parts of me they
Question what did we do to be forced to suffer
I'm aware I come off as cold and numb disinterested if you will
It's because I am I'm constantly coming up
With new theories of things I don't want the
Answers to yet I'm cursed with them all the same
When your traumatized you're different

Cursed to experience flashbacks and the void
Whispering sickly in my head reminds me
That I was just a worthless kid who didn't
Deserve any love shown to me never earned it
But what's there to earn in a dysfunctional family
Hell I'm being generous calling what I had
Growing up a family it wasn't much of a family
More of a broken narcissistic bitch and
A sick motherfucker for a dad no sperm donor
My grandfather and an uncle were the closest
Thing I had to a father figure in that hell
When you're traumatized you're different

The thing is trauma isn't something you forget
You can never forget no amount of drugs
Will let you forget and the triggers can be
Just about anything and everyone just expects us
To not breakdown when we get triggered
Thing is the flashbacks and reality they
Bleed and morph into one thing becomes
The demons of hell that haunts us the past
The past can never be forgotten it'll rear its
Ugly head back up when you least expect it
When you're traumatized you're different

I've been running from the past because I'll
Never be the one I'm meant to mimic no
No the memories which are mine which
Belong to that joyful lad the one who died
They all bleed together yet I fail to differentiate them
Who was the lad before the suicide when
When was the suicide just when did I replace him
Things I'll never truly know but it's just life
Thing is life isn't much to live for not when
I'm held together by my spite toward those
Sick fuck I'll out live them but what then
When you're traumatized you're different

I'm always wondering who to trust yet I
Can't even trust myself because I failed
Myself lost count to be honest I'm filled
With the diseases of my failure reminded
By the scars that are festering that are
Barely stitched close and even then
They will tear open not an if but a when
Got used to the scars and the depression I
Get when I'm looking at them the battle
Hasn't even been won and I'm losing to the
Void whispering in that sickly voice how
It'll take just one hard slash against my
Throat and my life will ebb away like a
Flame that never got in lighting the pit
When you're traumatized you're different