words from a broken soul

Misery

Misery follows everyone unable to be seen
The greatest misery I experienced isn't
The hell I became numb to survive growing up
Sure that's pretty high on the list but no
It's not the number one you might think
Was the lad falling down the well as a
Form of suicide the number one misery
Wrong again heartache that comes from
Being dumped was my greatest misery
Misery follows everyone unable to be seen

The heartache I felt was so much that I
Shut down couldn't feel the fist meet my
Thigh never felt it yet I saw the outcome
Bruises I put there myself to try and feel
Because the pain would wake me up that's
What I hoped it would do it never did just
Wound up with more bruises littering my leg
Yet I was always pressing on wear the
Mask to hide the emotions from the one
Who made me experience a new kind of
Heartache that I never felt not even when
The ones who meant the world to me were
Dead and nothing more than memories yet
Those memories are shoddy at best unable
To truly remember the time I spent with them
Misery follows everyone unable to be seen

The issue is the one who gave me a new
Outlook on heartache they can read me as
If I'm just an open book in their eyes funny
I used to be able to do the same yet I stopped
Because they'd lash out at me for bringing up
The things they didn't want to talk about
But when they did the same to me I didn't
Lash out at them not even when they tore
Apart my psyche not once did I lash out
Because I was lost puppy in their hands
The made feel loved and proved I was
Lovable deserving of so I'd bit my tongue
Even if it resulted in me having a mental
Breakdown because they kept bringing up
The demons of my past that haunt me
From my own shadows that I've lived in
Misery follows everyone unable to be seen

The thing is when I'm with friends things
Get complicated the mask stay on to hide
The misery I've lived through but also to
Make everyone comfortable while I'm the
One who's forcing themselves to be another
Someone who I'm truly not pretending that
My depression and the thoughts of suicide
Don't haunt me like the scars of my past do
Trying my hardest to ignore the whispering
Of the void It's telling me I'm better off
Dead trick question I've been dead for
Most my life became a ghost to survive
A hell that left me broken and altered in
Truth I'm more of corpse being held
Together out of spite to out live my abusers
Misery follows everyone unable to be seen

The act I put up it started fooling me wish
I could've seen it earlier I'm just stuck in my
Past because I can't help but regret how
I was to the person who broke my heart
When we were still dating but we were young
And naive but still I can't stop my brain
From thinking is there anything at all that
I could've done differently to make us last
I broke my promises to be there for them
Yet a part of me wants my best friend back
Then another part can't have that because
I'd just be leading myself on to more
Unknowns than I want to face by choosing
That I'm better than my emotions when I
Know better than anyone that I'm weak
To my own emotions quick kill them for
Emotions are a weakness and being numb
Is the strength I needed to survive that hell
Misery follows everyone unable to be seen

Misery I've known it most my life yet I can't
Bring myself to have my best friend back
Sure I'll be miserable to a degree but is it
A fair price to pay to have a friend back
But be miserable because the past still
Has that death grip tightly against my throat
It just doesn't seem fair to me or them
What type of friend would I be if I was
Miserable because I'm not thinking about
Being in the here and now of things I'll
Tell you I'd be a terrible friend for them
Yet is there really a friendship to salvage
The truth is the answer is eluding me more
Than what theories of what else I endured
Growing up because those are just theories
Our friendship it's probably salvageable but
Will it truly be the same as what we had as
When we were those damn naive kids will
I ever find out or will I stay stuck in the past
Misery follows everyone unable to be seen