words from a broken soul

Heartache

You never want to feel it again
Got called a coward two days ago
Because I rather avoid the heartache
Instead of trying to rekindle a friendship
With an ex that feels like a dead corpse
Because everytime I see them my stomach
I can feel it filling with lead and osmium
Because I still love them I've lost count
Of how many times I've tried killing that
Damn emotion towards them it never works
You never want to feel it again

I'd just be leading myself on if I was
Friends with them again I know nothing
Would come from it so why cause
Unnecessary pain for myself when
I've been a damn corpse walking among
The living pretending to be fine when
Deep down all I want is to die
Maybe give someone else worth living
The time I borrowed since my birth
You never want to feel it again

Yet I'm somehow a coward for choosing
To be with my family over a house full
Of people who I don't know nor care to
Get to know them I'm a coward because
I'm not wanting to be the lost puppy anymore
I'm the outcast of the fucking outcasts
Antisocial because people are fucking
Nightmares to me I rather keep Stabbing
Myself in the back than be surrounded
By a bunch of strangers when I know one
Person and even then I don't know them
Not anymore and they don't know me
You never want to feel it again

I may be an open book to them but
At one point so we're they but it pissed
Them off so I killed my skill to read people
So many versions of myself that I failed
Ultimately I failed myself the most
Because I killed a skill to please someone
Fuck that you got the skill to read people
You don't want to feel it again

Don't fucking kill it for the sake of others
It maybe a survival skill from the hell
That we've walked through but it's the
Most useful skill that we learned from
Being in a situation that ultimately
Altered us so yes I'm a coward but I just
Rather not lead myself on when I know
That nothing will come from the heartache
You don't want to feel it again

I may be someone who's stuck in the past
Yet I'm also in the present there's just somethings
That can't be forgotten no matter how
Much you wish you could forget about it
Turn it into nothing but smoke and ash
But you just can't no matter what I can't
Forget about the past because I was
Happy just to be brought back down
From the happy-go-lucky kid to someone
Who always hated their existence again
You don't want to feel it again

I'm always pretending to be fine
Truth is I'm not fine to many emotions
And guess what breakdown central
Those feels towards my ex when they
Resurface it always leads to a breakdown
Because there's so much unsolved that
I just bury deeper and deeper to hopefully
Forget about them because I can't kill them
You don't want to feel it again