words from a broken soul

Silencing

Never liked Silence that comes from going deaf
Growing up there wasn't much Silence
When there was it was because everyone was asleep
Even then I couldn't enjoy it thanks to a thousand thoughts racing through my head

Even now I have background noise playing
Silence is the worst response to me
Especially when I'm trying to join a conversation
If I'm ignored I don't take it personally

I just assume no one wants to hear me
So music it is when that happens
Even in sleep I can't bear the Silence something
Has to be playing for me to even fall asleep

I'd rather be arguing with the fires inside me
Just to have noise an assassino and the ghost rider
Better than just sulking in the bleeding silence
Hell I rather be bleeding then be in silence

Chaos growing up made me resent silence
I always feel like I'm better of snuffing my life out like a flame that never lit the pit
When I'm in silence that's usually when I hear him

Talking mad shit for a voice in my head
Yet no matter how many times I "kill" him
He alway fucking comes back like a fucking roach
That's what he is a fucking roach

If not him it's me doubting myself and my skills
I'm not good at much besides video games and even then I know I'm mediocre
I play them to escape and have fun
Not to be good at them never want to be
I'm content being mediocre yet I long to

Prove to them that I'm not like them that I'm better than the sick fucks that they are
But being belittled all my life fucked with
Myself worth always seeing myself as
Nothing just a mistake made from another mistake

Two people who should've cut it off before
I was born but that's just the pessimism talking
Racking in my brain always
Giving mania
Making my brain
Hurting like a gunshot to the joints
Racing thoughts can never silence them

Deafening to me but I push through
Trying my hardest to be something I'm proud of
Failing to be proud of myself
Seeing myself as a failure
Hating my existence on this

Dying planet
Wishing things could be different
Longing for the sweet embrace of death yet
Fearing it at the same time
Wanting to be happy with my life but

Finding little to be happy with that isn't family or friends
Nothing feels the same the silence
Numbing makes me feel like I don't belong
Yearning for things to change yet
Refusing to put in the effort to change

Things happens when you're reminded your worthless
Freezing when there's thoughts of
Ending it just to remember that it would hurt too many people
Putting other first myself last
Bothering to most yet to me it's because I don't think highly of myself

Looking back at a lot of things I fucked up royally
Finding it hard to justify any of my actions
Falling deeper into the well
Clawing to get out
Losing hope in everything

Ghosting my way through life
Flaming rage
Burning within
Seeking to be let out
Hoping to feel the flames die out
Knowing that's blind optimism
Meaning the flames will be

Raging till the day I'm
Breathing my last breath
Timing never been good with it
Going out my way
Pleasing others because trauma
Falling behind my own standards

Standing by myself
Abandoning myself
Dreaming for better days
Locking myself away from others
Neglecting myself yet unbothered
Heating my wounds to feel
Needing distractions from my brain

Lighting match after match
Watching the fire burn
Enjoying the sulfer smell
Suffering in silence
Smiling in front of others

Making sure no one is worried about me
Lying to myself that I'm okay
Masking the pain I hide as best I can
Sewing the mask to hide my true self
Fixing the wounds within me

Messing them up worse than before
Aching pain from my past
Shaping who I am
Sharpening my guard around others
Bottling my emotions up

Wondering when they'll burst out
Terrifying those who know me as calm
Trusting that I can control my emotions
Believing in the lie that I can control them
Eyeing the pain in me
Staring at me

Taunting me every day
Haunting me I can't escape his voice
Following me everywhere I go
Tournamenting me day after day
Killing the voice
Granting me a week or two of somewhat peace
Returning no matter how I kill it

Torturing me over and over
Forcing me to go through my past pain
Thinking you won't be
Breaking me more than you have
Laughing madly at the hand I've been dealt

Menacing thoughts of what to do with the voice
Looming over my head constantly
Dreading the day I see the man behind the voice
Decaying soul
Something isn't right inside me
Everything makes sense yet doesn't as well