words from a broken soul

Survive

Survival is apart of us since birth
What happens when you go through
So much that it leaves you as
Nothing more than a broken and fractured like a mirror that
Was punched you can survive pain and hell
But you leave it in an altered state got ptsd
Yet you survived the hell was it strength or
Was it the sheer will to escape from the horrors
In my case I became cold and numb
Emotions got beat out of me in a way
I was taught they were a weakness so
What to do I kill them before they surface
Survival is a part of us since birth

When survival is all your brain knows
And you keep getting thrown into hell
The brain does desperate things like
Locking away the horrors of the past
In more extreme situations it'll create
Voices to help you to survive the hell
But those voices become one with you
And yet they're separate versions of you
But now you aren't normal better to start
Hiding behind a mask because meds
They don't exist for this situation but
You get used to the voices they give
Perspective on things and what haunts you
But thing is these voices only form from
Severe and repeated traumatic events
During someone's childhood if that
Happened for you the voices will form
Survival is a part of since birth

The only thing that helps you truly is
Having people support you in these times
But I didn't have support growing up family
That word is alien to me it stems from the
Pain and hatred I witnessed and felt from
Supposed family but who's voice made
Me hate my own existence in the world
That I'm dead to just a ghost puppeting
A corpse that has a pulse but not living
Just meandering through life fearful of any
Unknowns terrified and wondering when
Will the abysmal void force me to survive
Another flashback of memories I wish
Were just smoke and ash yet they fester
The scars of my survival hidden behind
The shadows that lurk in my eyes can
You see them the horrors I've lived or
Are they so far hidden in my eyes you're
Unable to see them hopeful that you can't
Survival is a part of us since birth

You see this life I've lived I ran from my
Past but eventually the past catches you
Can't escape it like death you'll find it grip
Your throat unable to fight back drinking
Just speeds up the process of the past
Coming a knocking but it'll catch you
Hopefully it's not a bad time but it will
Come be glad if the past catches up when
You're at home It caught up to me in a park
Wondering why I was having problems just
Breathing why was I shaking just from a
Song wait why can I relate to this song
That's about someone's experience with
Sexual abuse did I go through something
Like that myself then things started clicking
I was sexually abused as kid by family
My brain locked the memory away yet
It became unlocked from one song damn
I knew I lived in hell growing up but this
Fuck wasn't really expecting this to be
Something that happened to me but it did
Survival is a part of us since birth