words from a broken soul

Present

It's best to live in the present yet I'm stuck
Stuck in the past wondering if I could do
Things differently would it matter anyway
I know I messed up a lot of times add the
Mistakes to the demons that haunt me
But I've owned up to them an apology won't
Fix the relationship with others It's better
Than just letting myself ignore what I did
Learn from what I did have faith I don't do
The same shit to others but terrified I'll do
It again doomed to repeat the mistake for
I got one foot dead and stuck in the past
As the other is slowly dragging itself to
Be in the here and now but will it just stop
I don't truly know yet its my trauma ridden
Psyche I should know but like so many things
I just don't know a bunch of questions any
Of them lack a proper answer just theories
It's best to live in the present yet I'm stuck

The lad what we would he say if he saw his
Copy with fear of the unknown of the present but
Pushing on as the ghost he's always been
Doubting if his words are truly art or just
The distant rambling of someone who lives
Life wearing a mask to hide the battles he
Faces with his anxiety and depression trying
To escape the abysmal void whispering the
Lies he's grew up hearing trusting them to
Be the truth knowing that they aren't but he
Sees them as something because that's all
He's ever felt a childhood hell full of pain and misery
I'm not sure of what love should be when I
Was growing up was I loved or just seen as
A toy in someone else's sick twisted game
Got blood running through my veins that
Feels more like a curse even if it's half dead
It's best to live in the present yet I'm stuck

Wondering when will the void shove me off
The cliff with in my mind into the ocean of
Emotions I've killed so I could be cold and numb
It's all I've ever really knew growing up the lad
He was the one who was joyful and giddy
And yet he chose suicide threw himself down a well
The emotions and thoughts rain down in
A way that's threatening to make me drown
The flashbacks courtesy of the void make
Me remember memories I wish would turn
Into nothing more than smoke and ash as
The abysmal void is whispering in that sickly tone
Telling to let the fire die become embers douse
Those embers feel my life slip into the cold
Embrace of death will dying truly free me or
Is it just one hell to another for my ashen soul
Forced to endure because pain is all I've known
The concept of death isn't scary I grew close
To it at a young age when those who meant
The world to me Became dead before I
Was even in middle school yet its the fear
Of what is after death that really scares me
Will I be forced to relive the things that
Left the scars on me things that left me
Altered and broken like a fracture in a mirror
It's best to live in the present yet I'm stuck

But what is truly scary is family what will I
Be like if I have a family of my own will I
Become just like the nightmare I grew up
With or will I become what I needed to feel
Like I wasn't just some worthless fuck up
To actually feel loved instead of hated who
Knows it's not me that's for sure but who'd
Want to start a family with someone who
Has to balance between being sane when
They're truly insane will I ever learn to love
Myself or do I just despise who I am a copy of
There's so many things in my damaged mind
Yet so many that I don't know is that good
Or is it bad I don't know truthfully but maybe
It's really a bit of both don't know what other
Horrors I've could've live through yeah its
A bit of both to me but that's my opinion
Maybe you think differently than me but
That's okay opinions are different for everyone
It's best to live in the present yet I'm stuck