words from a broken soul

Control

Growing up I had no control
Now it's the thing that I don't know what to do with it
I struggle to control myself
Mainly my emotions
Growing up I had no control

This morning I spent an hour trying to
Figure out how to word a suicide note
All because I can't control my emotions
Yet here I am writing about it instead
Growing up I had no control

The emotions they overwhelm me
I suppress them as best I can
That's my form of control in this world
Even then I don't control them well
Growing up I had no control

Now I'm just Ghosting through life
Constantly feeling like I'm already dead
It would explain my flat effect as therapist say
But no I'm alive struggling to get through life
The thought of one quick hard slash against my throat
My life will ebb away like a flame that never lit the pit
Growing up I had no control

The pain will I forget it in death or
Will it continue to torment me
Will death free me from my suffering
Will death be the only thing that can make me feel in control
No I know it won't but it's so tempting
Growing up I had no control

This life is constant hell
His voice and mine mingle forming
One full of hatred
Always being the devil on my shoulder
Yet I think the devil would be nicer to me
Maybe because of the hell I've gone through
Growing up I had no control

Now I don't know what to do with my
Pitiful existence I have no talent
No special skills
No redeeming features
I'm constantly reminded I'm a fuck up
Growing up I had no control

When control is the only thing you want
But can never understand you
Feel lost like a ghost in the crowd
Funny thing is that's all I've been
Growing up I had no control

There's so much I didn't get the chance to learn
I don't know how to properly communicate
I don't know what trust is
I don't know what love feels like anymore
I don't know what my life means to me
Growing up I had no control

No idea what there is for me to do
When you crave Social interaction
But feel like you're annoying them
What is there to do but just leave the conversation
Go to the darkest corner and just observe
Silently watching everyone have fun
All the while you just feel like you don't belong
Growing up I had no control

This world terrifies me
I didn't plan to make it to twenty
I didn't even plan to get through middle school
I thought I'd commit suicide
Now it's all I can think about
Maybe then I can atone for the wrong I've done
While also escaping this hellish world
The thought of death doesn't scare me
It's who I'd leave behind that scares me
Growing up I had no control

The urge to burn down My childhood home
Sounds so fun watching it turn to ash
Maybe that would make me feel alive
But I know better than to do it but
The thought just makes laugh maniacally
Growing up I had no control

Perhaps that why I like fire so much
No matter what it has no control
The burns I've gotten from playing
With fire don't bother me I'm used to the pain
Growing up I had no control

I've wondered what It'd be like watching
My abusers life ebb away from the eyes
Like a flame that neve lit the pit
But I know better than to do it
But it's a fun thought to entertain
Growing up I had no control

Now as an adult I don't know what control is
I don't know the skills to get through this
Hellish thing we call life
What skills I do know don't apply to daily life
Growing up I had no control

I have lessons stuck in my head but
They're not ones that prepared me for
The hellish nature that is my self hatred
They're lessons about don't care for
Someone's looks care for their personality
Don't blow your money all at once make it last
Growing up I had no control

Now these are good lessons but they don't help
Not when I get overwhelmed with life
With Myself hatred
My emotions I repress so I'm not being
Overwhelmed but no one taught me
What to do in these situations
I've taught myself to avoid these things
Growing up I had no control